Rx for My Life (Medicine is the Best Medicine)

 

I have been and continue to be

Struggling

With a derelict brain

That imperils my mind,

A dangerous proposition as the words I write fall from my mind

Into my brain,

Through the shame and disgust

Embarrassment and pride

I have risen above the fray,

Or at least am trying to,

Doing battle with myriad conditions that now require

My sincere expression of what I am breaking from

But not broken

As much for your benefit as mine own.

 

Bipolar Disorder,

Manic high to manic low,

Majestic heights that make me feel like there is nothing I can’t do,

Terrifying lows where even a breath seems like more effort than it is worth,

The drinking helped for years, excessive beyond measure,

Drinking just to get some sleep,

To deal with school,

To deal with work,

To deal with people,

To deal with me,

I ran from the truth, as I knew it for two and a half decades,

Twenty five years is a long, long time to run from anything,

Let alone your own truth,

Personal and universal,

Coming to accept it is a whole different battle and I did,

Lithium entered my life that day,

(So far so good)

Still ups and downs but less frequent and powerful.

 

Major Depressive Disorder,

Just as ugly as it sounds,

Compounded by the manic nature of the BD this condition is exhausting,

No movement is really possible,

It feels as if you’re stuck in quicksand up to the neck and fire ants are coming,

But you can’t move,

Your brain is lethargic and incapable of doing anything,

No focus,

No watching TV for anything more than ten minutes at a time,

Reading a book is impossible,

Going to the bathroom is a chore,

It feels as if life is caving in on you like

A collapsed roof,

Admitting it is not as easy as you think,

Stigma exists but when you get to therapy,

Tell the truth and explore

What you can do both as an individual and with

Medication things can and do change,

It took nine medications before we got to

Wellbutrin,

Seemingly it works,

But then again they all worked in the beginning,

A couple weeks in it seems good,

But only time will tell.

 

Schizoaffective Disorder

Has been such a treat coupled with the

Paranoia,

For I see and hear things that are not there,

Auditory hallucinations and delusions

Those frighten me beyond words,

Snipers with lasers after me,

Miniature black helicopters, also with lasers, after me,

Generally afraid of single engine aircraft and official vehicles,

All of which have been present in one form or another

Since my middle teens,

I dealt with it the only way I knew how,

I drank,

Excessively and often,

Which would quiet the voices but not the visions,

(Hemingway just tapped me on the shoulder,

“Don’t forget about me.)

Some of the delusions are useful, at least Hemingway is,

But the rest I can do without,

Enter Haloperidol after six other meds didn’t work

And it seems to be,

But I have a wait and see attitude.

 

So why write about all this,

Why so openly and honestly?

 

If one person reading this is aided by it

Then I have done my job.

I wrote this to show that we don’t need to be sidelined,

That we don’t need to be embarrassed or feel shame,

There is no shame in chemical processes and imbalances

Over which you have no control,

It is not your fault,

It is not your fault,

It is not your fault,

Know we can take an advocacy role in our own lives,

YOU can work toward a brighter future for yourself,

It just takes a good support system, people that love you,

Confidence that tomorrow is a new day and

That today I can only do what I can and no more,

Stop beating yourself up,

Stop tormenting yourself,

GET HELP,

Take it all in and accept that we are all made differently and regardless

Of your personal struggle

It can, will and does get better.

 

Medicine in my case is the best medicine

And that is the

Rx for my life.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Rx for My Life (Medicine is the Best Medicine)

  1. The first step to healing is admitting you need help. Second, never be ashamed and then not to care what someone else thinks of you or your disorder. In the scheme of getting well is learning to love and understand yourself and the hell with the ignorant.

    Wysteria

  2. this is fucking awesome!!! I relate to every part of it – except for the schitzoaffective symptoms from which I have been spared. But, the BP and major depression and the drinking (which only made things so much worse for me) – breathing was such an effort at times, and then the nights after nights of endless thoughts and creativity that felt great at the time, but I knew I would pay for it later when I crashed. I have a link to a short video I came across about the difference between our spirit and our mental illness that was very enlightening and comforting to me. Let me know if you want it (didn’t include it here because I was afraid it would land this comment in your spam.) or you can search the following and probably find it: “Mooji Answers” (on vimeo.) The title to look for is “How Can I be the Self if I am Taking Pills that remind me that I am Mentally Sick.” Good luck. Welbutrin worked great for me at one time. I hate how the meds stop working after a while (or don’t at all.) “Medication roullette,” my friend calls it. Right now, Lamictal is the most important ingredient in my current drug cocktail, and for me, alcohol is the most important ingredient to leave out (smiles)

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