Miserable Companion

O miserable companion and only friend,
My deepest fears and contemplations,
Pissed on and over,
By a menacing Black Dog,
A misunderstood and misrepresented dalliance,
Of my souls greatest demands,
Freedom I cry,
As my leash is pulled and I am returned,
To this horrible life,
Reminded of the ordeal that is now my life,
Feeling minimally adequate,
In that I can speak this righteous pain,
To readers the world over.
O miserable companion and bastard child,
Of I and I and I,
Capable for years, as I was, of holding at bay,
The myriad effects that now run me over,
Like a bus,
Cross town traffic,
How do I loathe you for your trespasses,
Yet still I do loathe myself,
For this is part of me,
And therefore I am at fault,
Filled with doubt and shame,
Shame and doubt,
As I raise my eyes to the sky,
Crying out for more permanent relief,
As I beg the universe, the ether,
To give me more than words,
That never comes.
O miserable companion and fleeting friend,
Taking hold of this mind, not just my soul,
Forcing tricks of my eyes,
My hands to shake tremble just as my fears,
Realized daily,
At least lately,
Why must depression sink me to the bottom of the sea?
Why must I drown in the discontent,
Inside the furious maelstrom of neurons firing,
Neurons over which I have no control,
Made simpler for you to understand, at least I pray,
Should you want to,
Dip your toes momentarily,
Into my surreal reality,
Do you think about breathing?
Or does it just happen?
My predicament is the exact same as that,
I have no control,
As I move hour by hour,
Will never be won.
O miserable companion and jubilant destroyer of worlds,
What shall I do,
What tone must I take for my salvation,
Shall I,
Continue down the garden path of your design,
Medicated fantasy of a life reclaimed,
For without those pills,
The many pills,
My mitigated life,
Would become a deadly ambassador,
Felled first by chemical reaction,
Then my intellects destruction,
Finally my mind grasping as a child a forbidden candy,
Moved to obliteration,
This fate,
Worse that death to me,
For what am I without a mind,
Without the faculties to set me free,
From depressions bloody curse.
O miserable companion and surreal master,
I beg with you,
Set me free,
Give me back a beautiful taste for life,
Rather than the misery of this horrible plight
Let me again taste sanity,
Move me back to this side of normal,
I beg of you,
Set my arms free,
To these tomes,
In depressed tones,
Left of pain,
To realize again,
As I reclaim my life.



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2 responses to “Miserable Companion

  1. wysteria

    I am in awe of your writing about depression, bipolar and how desperapte your fight is. You speak for those of us who can not put into words the sadness, the constant battle to just get up and start a new day. Meds? The hit and miss, the trials and hopeful samples that may work for a month or two, only to drown us again in depths of despair.

    Thank you Sender, believe it or not, you are a healer


  2. Felt. 3 things,IMHO. Illness is not your fault, medicated or not all life is an illusion (or fantasy as you say), and wtf is “normal”? 😉

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