Longing for YOU!

I still find myself thinking of you,
The lustful fire that brought us together,
The intense passion that swirled,
That mentally still does,
One I can recall at any moment,
Merely by imagining your perfect little body,
Your inspiring mind,
Your beautifully menacing smile,
Realizing that you saw a piece of me,
That I myself am yet to understand,
Of course it is too soon,
And in your care and compassion,
You had the verve to tell me,
Though I still think about both good,
And long times,
Pondering the smile on your balcony,
The one that revealed things in an instant,
that neither of us wanted revealed,
for passion is not love,
desire is not love,
lust is not love,
even if it is on fire,
with you I found that it was alright,
for me to be myself,
for you accepted all of me,
knowing that I was wounded,
knowing that I still am,
I still find myself thinking about you,
How words slipped from my mouth,
That I wish I could have contained,
Lashing out at you,
In place of another,
Lashing out at you,
Because of another,
And that leaves me empty and cold,
Wishing that I could somehow turn back time,
Take back the tempered insanity,
The alcohol fueled rage that had absolutely nothing to do with you,
I can’t take it back,
I can’t change it,
Though I must seek to understand it,
To understand me,
To find the space to allow myself,
Once again,
To find my way if not to you than another,
And another and another,
My greatest desire,
Still unattained,
My greatest desire,
May remain,
Creating a chasm that no lilac can fill,
For I know what I did,
Though I don’t know how,
I know what I did,
Though I don’t know why,
Involving you in a melodrama that had begun,
Less than a month before,
Lashing out at you,
In place of another,
And you knew,
And you knew,
Still your kindness reigned,
And you forgave me my alters trespass,
You forgave me though maybe not him,
For I certainly have not,
And now all I have,
Is the dazzling memory,
The marvelous surrender of me to you,
And you to me,
Of tender kisses,
Of caressing you as you slept,
Of the distinct sweat smell of two bodies thoroughly engaged,
Carried to me on imagined gusts,
That lingers on me,
As your fingers did,
And I am longing for you,
As I think about your smile.



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