One Day Closer…

I struggle with worry,
A life threatening worry,
An empathic worry,
Through no fault of my own,
I did not ask for this brain that I was given,
I did not ask to be cast into the stormy waters,
Of My Black Dog’s urine pools,
Raining on my parade,
It’s foot squarely placed on my neck,
The throbbing pulse of my own discontent,
Paining me in ways I can not share,
No, I did not ask for this life,
Something out there in the ether,
Graciously allowing me a blessing and a curse,
Blessing for an intelligence that baffles even me,
Curse for the reasons same,
Yet I did and continue to do everything I can within my power,
To ensure that the natural gift,
Was accented by a voracious hunger to learn about as much as I could,
This allowed me to be lifted,
To a different plane,
Whereby the ether implores me these words,
These words are not what I do,
They are what I am,
For without them,
I would be slave to this non stop engine of a mind,
Firing on all cylinders and with overdrive,
At times menacing,
As the stern admonishments of my own lack of self worth,
Reveals to me daily that this battle is endless,
And continual,
Since the time of my birth I have been dying,
Internally waging the good fight,
With a baby like innocence that is tempered by what I see,
By what I experience,
By what I feel,
Puck I am,
Forcing recognition of a blinding weakness of a world that I seek to understand,
Finding no way save these words,
My desires like anyone else’s,
Just a silly boy looking for an elegant girl,
The frame of my existence,
For love is the only currency worth trading,
As I find myself at the foreign exchange of ascending emotions,
Though I seek not the picture perfect idyllic western love,
The one with two kids, a dog and a white picket fence,
I want something authentic,
I do not want the western love,
With possessions that own me,
No, I am, free, from that burden,
A truth that makes me smile daily,
Even if only for a minute,
A full tooth smile,
The temporary radiance from this tragic soul,
Realizing that with this mind,
I cannot have my cake and eat it too,
Knowing that these sad Irish blue eyes,
Undercut a truth that is obvious to any curious enough,
To access the recesses of me that I barely entreat to surrender,
I’ve lost patience with myself,
Understanding that I can no longer just be along for the ride,
But need to be an active participant,
In the good, the bad and the ugly in me,
Fighting for my survival,
In this test called life,
Fearing that it is passing me by,
One sentence at a time,
Or perhaps I am capturing anew,
The hands that will guide me to the inner peace I so desire,
Perhaps now,
In this way I cannot only see the door of possibility,
But may walk write through it, that’s right, I said write,
My way into the life I’ve imagined,
Since the moment of my birth,
For I am dying,
As are you,
And as the pink hues of my own admonishment,
Send me to a vivid and surreal hell,
I know that I must embrace the heaven that is this existence,
Even if sometimes it makes me feel,
As if the story is flat,
Mine celebrated in words,
Seemingly effortless words,
Those torment me,
That I cannot resist,
I did not ask for this brain,
Nor the misgivings that threaten my very life,
As poet warrior I tensely advance,
One day closer,
Non Omnis Moriar.



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