Monthly Archives: March 2013

One Thing…

“Look, if there’s one thing I’ve learned………”

…Tomorrow is another day

…The sun may not come out tomorrow but it WILL come out

…if you get buried you will become worm food

…the Sun is going to destroy this galaxy

…one plus one equals six hundred and forty three thousand one hundred and twelve

…The square root of greed is nothing compared to the square root of compassion

…A kiss is never just a kiss

(except when it is)

…Passion is not the same as love

…Lust is not the same as love

… your heart will be broken time and again

…There is nothing so intoxicating as love requited

…LOVE is the answer

…Beauty is perfectly captured in a child’s laugh

…We ALL are going to make mistakes

(big ones)

…You are not your job

…EVERYBODY lies

…No stupid questions only stupid answers

…Life is a series of yesterdays that do not equal tomorrow

…we ALL re going to die

…trying is not the same as doing

…doing is not the same as trying

…a Butterfly is the most perfect example of wonder in the universe

…I am not made of water, blood, tissue and bone

…the future is decided by YOU

…Destiny is a bitch

…Fate is fickle

…nothing you learn in school matters

…eat your greens

…old wives tales are usually right

…divorce is not a prerequisite to marriage today

…God, whatever God there is has an awful sense of humour

…These words are meaningless

…PEOPLE matter
…MONEY DOES NOT

… this is woefully inadequate in exploring the just one thing I’ve learned!

SDM

 

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Blade of Grass

 

Walking through an imaginary park,
With what you would call my imaginary friends,
(though their words commune with me daily),
Hemingway was carrying a basket,
Really just a code word,
For anything filled with booze as we approached,
The meadow was soft and inviting,
Hazy,
As in a dream,
(fitting no… for that is just what this is as is life)
Zelda and F. Scott as per usual standard operating procedure,
Were dancing about like two love sick children,
(how I wish to be a love sick child for all the rest of the days of my life)
Their love propagated in equal measure,
By a steadfast admiration,
And empty bottles,
(perhaps a word or two if they could stay sober long enough)
Picasso had already set up his easel and was painting something,
Abstract,
The cubes not making sense to me yet,
And truth be told,
I wondered if they ever would,
His sly smile lighting not just his canvas but also this meadow.

Joyce, Eliot and Pound were deep in conversation,
Wondering how spectacular the vistas might be if they had some opium,
From the corner Picasso yells out;
“Do you want some?”
The ignored him and continued their loud and verbose considerations,
Gertrude and I were hand in hand,
Like a mother and child,
(her caress moving me to my safe place)
Swinging our arms to and fro,
When a glint hit my eye,
So powerfully that I was stunned,
I could not move,
I was transfixed,

for I saw love’s face,

realized,

in time,

this time,

now!

Stein asked;
“What is it?”
I dropped to my knees,
Putting my head neatly on the hardened ground,
As tears welled up in my eyes,
I pointed to the blade of grass,
Just one simple yet affirming blade of grass,
Like none other I had ever seen,
Even in a dream things seem unreal if they are too perfect,
And this blade of grass was just that,
“A blade of grass?”

Without missing a beat I pleaded with her,
As a boy does his mother,
To join me on the ground,
She bent down,
Placing her hand on my shoulder,
Which I took as a cue,
To unravel the secrets of my twisted soul,
Reciting as I do,
Whitman immediately came to mind;

“The wonderfulness of the sundown, or of stars shining so quiet and bright,
Or the exquisite delicate thin curve of the new moon in spring;
These with the rest, one and all, are to me miracles,
The whole referring, yet each distinct and in its place.”

Upon finishing,
Hemingway had set up court,
And passed a series of drinks around,
Gertrude summoned them over,
As tears fell from my cheeks,
I wondered if one might be so fortunate,
As to live out the rest of its short life,
On another blade of grass…

Each in their own way asked,
What it was,
Why I was so enraptured,
Why such a thing as a blade of grass moved me…

You’ve all heard me ask,
Where is God?

Hushed hums and hahs,
Yeses filled the air.

In that reflection,
That little glint of dew,
Falling to its ultimate demise,
Is the prism that reflects our lives,
That reflects our passions,
Our concerns,
Our hopes and our desires,
Right there,
As I pointed.

There is God! There is my God!
Right there,
In that specific blade of grass,
In this moment,
In that droplet,
The mysteries of our lives,
Of our place on this earth,
Of the universe,
Is right there…

The collected giants joined me,
In weeping,

For in that spectacular moment,
We all felt,
God,
He/She/It/They,
Embracing us,
As humanity can never embrace God,
And love,
Love ruled the day,
Fulfilled and fulfilling,
Love!

In a dew droplet on a blade of grass,
Missed by most,
But not us,
Not on that day,
As the enigma that is love revealed,
The promise of life,
Hope,
In one simple blade of grass,
My eternal love,
And hope;

YOU!

SDM

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Call My Name

http://www.azvideos.com/videos/prince/callmyname.html

Please,
Call my name,
Whisper it into the winds of hope,
That Lady Destiny,
In her infinite wisdom,
Perfect poise and grace,
May lead me to you,
May lead me to you.

Please,
Call my name,
Let it ring through the endless forests and valleys,
Climb over the mountain tops,
And cross the rivers of desire,
To finally bring us together,
May it lead you to me,
May it lead me to you.

Please,
Call my name,
Gently let it sweep over you,
Let the universe reveal me to you,
Whether in Dublin,
Shanghai or Tennessee,
I promise,
I will hear your cry,
I will answer your call,
May it lead me to you,
May it lead you to me.

Please,
Call my name,
For no matter where you are,
My radar is on full alert,
And I feel the inviting cadence,
Of your soft and tender voice,
Calling my name,
Calling my name,
And I will answer you,
The only way I know how,
With all I am,
All I have to give,
And all I have ever desired to be for you,
Please,
Call my name,

I
Will
Answer.

Touch my soul and I will…
I will love you…

I will be for you what none has been able to be…

I will, without equivocation, be yours;

Evermore!

SDM

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Where are you?


Where are you,
She that will follow me,
To the ends of the earth,
Do you know who you are,
I think I do,
She that will stand by me,
Despite my faults,
Legendary though they may be,
She that will look passed those faults,

mine,
And see that I am more than a diamond in the rough,
Instead a rough diamond,
Where are you?

I know,

I know;

and so do you!

Where are you,
She that will follow me,
She that will understand the parts of me,
That I attempt, in vain, to keep hidden,
She that will feel the full brunt of my love,
She that will awaken my soul,
Once again,
Relieving an over burdened mind,
With a simple touch,
A telling look,
Or a gracious word,
Where are you,
She that will follow me?
Where are you.

Where are you,
She that will follow me,
To the edge of sanity,
Teetering between the line of genius and insanity,
Passionately revealing that which requires no notarization,
Save these words I write,
She that will uplift, inspire and adore,
She that will be my muse,
As so certainly I require,
Where are you,
She that has a beautiful mind,
And can understand exactly what a beautiful mind is,
Filled with opinion,
Insight,
And intelligence,
She that will value my mind,
As I do hers;

Yours;
Where are you,
She that will follow me?

Where are you,
She that will cradle me in the night,
Understand the torment that I experience daily,
Revealing to me a poised elegance,
That radiates from the inside out,
And reigns in my blatant self imposed meager existence,
Where are you,
She that will walk through the fire,
To punch Cerberus in the nose,
Allowing me to kick this Black Dog,
Where are you,
Where are you,
That I may no longer search in vain,
That I may finally know what the meaning of soul mate is,
That I may reveal completely,
To this world,
Who and what I am,
With your help,
Where are you,
She that will follow me?
Where are you.

Where are you,
She that will follow me,
She that will remain beside me,
Up and down,
In and out,
She that will caress my talents,
She that will push me to ever greater heights,
She that will help me see,
That life is not a series of despairingly painful incidents,
Book ended by more,
She that will aid me through this suffering,
Revealing to me plain as day,
That my life is not dark as night,
Where are you,
She that will follow me?

I know where you are,
BUT,
Will you follow?

SDM

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Primordial Breakthrough

Breakthrough…

Break

Through…

The first breakthrough,
At first,
Seemed more like a break,
Shattered,
Busted,
Broken,
From reality,
From the world,
From my love,
From these words,
The Ether delivering me devils and demons,
My sleep, skeletons and ghosts,
Of an imagined past and a deadly reality,
The nervous tension of my wounded pride,
Awoke the sleeping giant,
This giant,
Warrior Poet,
Though not yet a man,
I had to learn again how to wiggle, crawl, walk;

This was only the beginning of a wayfaring journey,
No destination detected our sought,
A journey, endless,
For as I started wiggling,
I felt the urge to crawl,
One I started crawling,
I was overcome by the desire to walk,
But after that,
Then what…

With invisible scars that none can operate on,
Save me,
Save me!

The second breakthrough,
Painful,
Heart wrenching,
Soul piercing,
Shock and awe,
My system,
Downed,
Crashed,
Crisis,
I was no longer able to walk, wiggle or crawl,
For I could not move,
I could not leave the couch,
Helpless yet helping myself,
Captured in the black hole of my mind,
There was no escape,
Dogs barking,
Black,
Depression, hallucinations, delusions,
Fearful creeping lightless thoughts;

My words my only salvation,
And even they seemed determined to fail me,
To destroy me,
Yet after that,
Then what…

The third breakthrough,
Acceptance,
Gaining insight into my fractured psyche,
With the aid of therapy and pills,
Learning how to wiggle,
Oh, how uncomfortable it was,
Then longing to crawl,
It felt a little better but still uncertain,
Then panging to walk,
But only for a moment,
For now I am in the pursuit of running,
Left foot,
Right foot,
Left hemisphere,
Right hemisphere,
All at once the sum and the whole of my parts,
Fragmented though they may be,
But then what…

The fourth breakthrough,
My flaws are no better nor worse than your own,
My mental condition may or may not be better than yours,
Life is life,
And if I ever gave into the darker sides of me,
Those that ask me to do things that need not be done,
Should never be done…

So day after day,

As I journey to gain a few steps closer,
To the me that I have always been,
I realize,
My personal primordial fog lifted,
It is the simplest atoms in me that are askew,
It is the living chemistry of this troubled mind,
That though dark and dangerous,
Keeps me marching toward…

Another breakthrough,

That I may one day know,
I have survived and thrived,
Pressed on where others may have fallen,
Given into the dark urges,
The silent demons that you can’t hear,
But deafen those of us afflicted,
Given up on the pharmaceutical nightmare,
The zombie nature of my life,
Giving way, once more,
To self medication and an abiding dedication,
To LIVE,

I have;

Gotten up when kicked,
And down when beckoned by my Black Dog,
That each day offers the opportunity of challenge,
That each challenge is the building block of opportunity,
And if ever,
Whenever,
However this breakthrough comes,
I wonder if it will finally be that unattainable,
As it would seem it has,
Now,
Though I search,
For that which escapes me; the,

Perfect sentence,
Freedom,
From this tormented oscillation,
Vacillation,
Down and up,
Up and down,
Victim and victimizer,
Student and teacher,
Sage and village idiot,
I feel it coming,
I feel it,
All my life,
And there is nothing I can do;

I have been waiting,
All my life,
All my life,
To discover that I must press on,
All I can do is;

Persevere…
In wait!

SDM

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The Enemy Within

Even Bach,
Air on the G,
Brings no respite this day,
From this cycle’s big bang,

Bipolar,
An ever expanding colossus of terror,
Driven by the clash of my neurochemicals crashing,
Body drawn and tired,
Mind,
Falling prey to the maelstrom firing,
Inside the faulty wiring,
You might call a brain,
I’m told I have one, one that I continually let victimized,
Succumb to feelings,
Emotions,
Temptations,
Of a personal xenophobia,
Unwavering,
Save for the perpetual up and down,
Daily, weekly, monthly and yearly,
For twenty five years or more,
Unresolved childhood trauma,
Unresolved adult trauma,
Shall I be on trial?
Trials?
For this contempt,
Hate,
Of self,
Coupled with an abiding faith in love,
Loathe this cruel trick played upon me,
By me,
Seeking control, where none there can be,
Bach,
Usually J.S. helps me deal,
With the B.S., of these days,
Fighting my nature,
Fighting systems that can not be fought,
Battles that reach within,
As I live without,
Where I can not nurture, serenity,
Save the calling from the Ether,
Ceaseless,
Supporting like a crutch,
This searching spirit,
More in need of a cuddle or a cradle,
The intimacy,
Which is the only thing,
That can or will mitigate,
Though never shatter the wall I’ve hit,
Walls,
Since thirteen,
Countless cycles of possessed repression,
Where skeletons become ghosts,
Ghosts become haunting realities,
And reality becomes the Matrix,
For while I am no Neo,
I will follow my white rabbit,
Love,
Wherever,
Whenever,
However and whomever,
She may be,
That I may restlessly hide,
Inside the warmth of her smile,
Hugged, caressed and cajoled,
So as not to shut down,
System,
Reset,
By the simple words;
“It’ll be okay, you’ll be okay.”

Fighting as I do,
Like Patton’s phantom army,
The enemy within.

SDM

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Childs Play

The deafening absence of anything,
Apparent apathy,
Pierces deep within,
As manic considerations of;
What ifs? Why or how?
When?
Shatter reason,
Rendering logic as useful
As a Rubik’s cube to a toddler,
Choking on my own insecurities,
I wonder, or is it posit?
That the love I seek is in fact projected,
Less transcendental, more Gatsby,
That I am caught inside the picture of a picture
Inside this cagey mind,
Wandering lost,
Yet believing I am found,
Perhaps this insistent doppelganger,
Constant, inferred dilemma,
Imagined,
Is in fact the reassembly of I and I and I,
Three egos, three ids in search of more,
Relentless,
Tireless,
Hungry and craving,
Though that doesn’t change the abject pain,
In fact it reinforces it,
Felt each time I imagine your smile,
Envision your eyes,
Say your name,
A treasured x that marks the spot,
Where you’ve made a direct hit
At the very core of me,
You strike at the heart of this matter,
My atoms transformed,
By whom I am transfixed.

Are you my Rubik’s cube?
Am I just a toddler?

When what I really want to know,
Is where are you now?

SDM

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