Primordial Breakthrough




The first breakthrough,
At first,
Seemed more like a break,
From reality,
From the world,
From my love,
From these words,
The Ether delivering me devils and demons,
My sleep, skeletons and ghosts,
Of an imagined past and a deadly reality,
The nervous tension of my wounded pride,
Awoke the sleeping giant,
This giant,
Warrior Poet,
Though not yet a man,
I had to learn again how to wiggle, crawl, walk;

This was only the beginning of a wayfaring journey,
No destination detected our sought,
A journey, endless,
For as I started wiggling,
I felt the urge to crawl,
One I started crawling,
I was overcome by the desire to walk,
But after that,
Then what…

With invisible scars that none can operate on,
Save me,
Save me!

The second breakthrough,
Heart wrenching,
Soul piercing,
Shock and awe,
My system,
I was no longer able to walk, wiggle or crawl,
For I could not move,
I could not leave the couch,
Helpless yet helping myself,
Captured in the black hole of my mind,
There was no escape,
Dogs barking,
Depression, hallucinations, delusions,
Fearful creeping lightless thoughts;

My words my only salvation,
And even they seemed determined to fail me,
To destroy me,
Yet after that,
Then what…

The third breakthrough,
Gaining insight into my fractured psyche,
With the aid of therapy and pills,
Learning how to wiggle,
Oh, how uncomfortable it was,
Then longing to crawl,
It felt a little better but still uncertain,
Then panging to walk,
But only for a moment,
For now I am in the pursuit of running,
Left foot,
Right foot,
Left hemisphere,
Right hemisphere,
All at once the sum and the whole of my parts,
Fragmented though they may be,
But then what…

The fourth breakthrough,
My flaws are no better nor worse than your own,
My mental condition may or may not be better than yours,
Life is life,
And if I ever gave into the darker sides of me,
Those that ask me to do things that need not be done,
Should never be done…

So day after day,

As I journey to gain a few steps closer,
To the me that I have always been,
I realize,
My personal primordial fog lifted,
It is the simplest atoms in me that are askew,
It is the living chemistry of this troubled mind,
That though dark and dangerous,
Keeps me marching toward…

Another breakthrough,

That I may one day know,
I have survived and thrived,
Pressed on where others may have fallen,
Given into the dark urges,
The silent demons that you can’t hear,
But deafen those of us afflicted,
Given up on the pharmaceutical nightmare,
The zombie nature of my life,
Giving way, once more,
To self medication and an abiding dedication,

I have;

Gotten up when kicked,
And down when beckoned by my Black Dog,
That each day offers the opportunity of challenge,
That each challenge is the building block of opportunity,
And if ever,
However this breakthrough comes,
I wonder if it will finally be that unattainable,
As it would seem it has,
Though I search,
For that which escapes me; the,

Perfect sentence,
From this tormented oscillation,
Down and up,
Up and down,
Victim and victimizer,
Student and teacher,
Sage and village idiot,
I feel it coming,
I feel it,
All my life,
And there is nothing I can do;

I have been waiting,
All my life,
All my life,
To discover that I must press on,
All I can do is;

In wait!



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