The Me I Already Am

Slave to my own impediment,

I could not break free from myself,

I could not or would not see,

The delicate beauty that rest inside my baby blues,

Instead seeing the fiery damnation,

Of an overworked mind that knew not,

How to find inner piece, (intentional in search of that elusive sentence)

Until I let go,

Completely,

This year, by far the hardest, of my thirty eight years,

Thirty eight years?

That never knew real joy,

Thirty eight years?

Those have seen ups and downs,

Been hit sideways more times than I care to admit,

Leaving me,

Finally,

Deflated,

Unable to face myself in the mirror,

Or the mirror of myself,

Doppelganger(s),

My eyes,

Unleashing a terrible fright,

That even the voices in my head could not combat;

Bellicose Hemingway and intrepid Fitzgerald,

No Whiskey wisdom,

Nor Vodka insight,

Could release me from this personal hell,

That crippled my body,

Yet infuriated my mind to action,

YOU MUST BECOME,

You erroneous fool,

You must,

For no one else than you,

Can, nor will,

Starting with a heaping helping of forgiveness,

Personal,

For things that I had no control over,

And that I cannot change,

LET GO,

Find personal redemption in a kiss,

A beautiful kiss,

Your kiss,

Finally arrived finding the ability,

This ability to love myself,

In ways I never thought possible,

And always just out of reach,

Avoiding at every turn,

What it meant to be me,

What it means to be me,

Wanting so desperately the love of others,

That I let go of me,

Wanting the deep satisfaction of emotions requited,

Yet,

There was none behind that door,

Only a black dog that still beat me down,

Beat me,

Like a private and evasive whipping boy,

Gashed,

Though none can see,

Invisible scars,

A pickle that is beyond explanation,

For who could understand,

Certainly not you,

You?

And yet here we are,

Understanding, or at least attempting to find,

Seeking,

Yet,

I no longer require outside reinforcement of who or what I am,

For only I can explain that truth,

Only I can live the truth I have known since I was a child,

I must live it,

And finally,

I have started to corral this furious beast,

Passionate,

And constantly misguided,

Putting a leash on my black dog,

I am on the road,

Working,

Toward the me I already know I am…

Finding as I do,

That love,

Love always finds a way!

 

SDM

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s