Hallelujah

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8AWFf7EAc4

At every point,

That I have turned,

I have been disappointed,

And disappointing;

Blessed and cursed,

As I struggle to comprehend,

How I end up this way,

How we all end up this way;

Searching and not finding,

Seeking and discovering no solace,

Leading to problems of the spirit and the soul,

Crushed intentions and broken hearted,

As Leonard Cohen,

(through this beautiful rendition, extraordinary)

Tugs at the outstretched strings,

As picturesque and subtle beauty,

Only comes in black and white,

Moments of sepia exaltation,

And the only word I can spare,

Is Hallelujah?

At every point,

Of this tragic life,

Divine comedy,

I have pushed on,

Rifling,

(Though no Hemingway pulled just yet)

Pursuing,

(Though not sure of what save love)

Figuring out,

What I know,

And what I do not;

Knowing that the latter is winning that battle,

And yet, the war rages on,

Deep within,

Returning still to the faint hope,

Of the sun as it reaches a cross,

Just as it has in my life.

At every point,

I have reached toward the heavens,

The glorious celestial body from which I came,

Spiritual and not religious,

Every atom of my being,

Star dust,

The wisdom of billions of years,

Contained in this fragile frame,

As I thrash about,

Again,

Cohen beckoning me to believe,

Something,

Just not sure what,

Nor is he.

At every point,

I have found,

That I am lost,

Wandering lust fully engaged,

Doppelgangers and Black Dog’s,

The voices in my head and temporary delusions,

Polar opposites,

Attempting to know,

That which refuses to be known,

In a useless quest,

That will only leave me,

Hanging,

Crucified on my own submission,

To that tender emotion,

That is rife with terror,

Fears and in my case, always;

Abandonment.

At every point,

One way here,

Another way there,

Lonely and yet surrounded,

Never quite alone,

Never quite inside the line,

Again,

The clouds,

My tears reveal,

And again,

Leonard pulls me back,

A giant,

Pulling out of me,

Everything I have left,

But can I show it?

Did he?

Do you?

And if I do,

Then what?

Manic depression,

The continual vicissitudes,

Posited dimensions,

Whereby my demons are my shadows,

And the circles of hell constantly invite me,

Ever nearer,

To a fate we all know,

Since the moment of our first breath.

At every point,

Loathing save for when I love,

For whom I love,

Is like an angels choir,

Many voices united,

(not like those in my head)

In prayer,

But to who or what,

Is not so clear,

And if it were, would it still be so majestic?

Leonard says he has done his best,

And I know he has,

Tried,

As I have,

As I do,

Continuing daily

To begin the process anew,

Of healing,

Still torn, not tattered,

Battered but not beaten,

And yet,

For us both,

It is vain,

That we wait for something we will never know,

At least not in this life,

Could we?

At every point,

Hallelujah,

My cross screaming out to be seen,

Born as we all are,

Of suspicions and longings,

Wanting to be felt,

Aching to be known,

For what I am,

For who I am,

For when this life is over,

My words will remain;

I did my best,

And whatever you are;

He/She/It/They…

Hallelujah!

SDM

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