Monthly Archives: August 2013

R O A R – Sia Didn’t Stay

“I was not the lion, but it fell to me to give the lion’s roar.”

Winston Churchill

 

It fell to me,

As you ran,

From yourself,

From who you want to be,

It fell,

To me… Yet…

 

Too timid,

Too confused,

Too immersed in misunderstood cultural actualities,

Too fooled by an naughty smile,

Filled with insecurity

(still evident and handcuffing)

I know it’s hard to believe,

For years of my life,

I fooled you all,

Submissive to designs,

Of those who did not have my best interests in mind,

Avarice and deadly sins like fallen skeletons,

Wounding me,

Those that learned love was my Achilles heel,

Is my Achilles heel,

And like Sisyphus I feel

This weakness is rock but also

My amour, armor pierced,

Genuine to myself,

Nosce Te Ipsum,

Who and what I am,

Yet still

Left reeling,

Panging,

Longing,

Desiring,

My everything,

Wandering our proverbial jungle,

Concrete, wilderness and my mistaken impressions,

In efforts to understand,

Who am I?

What am I?

I and I and I left standing again,

Holding an empty bag,

Where once my love was known,

An unborn child lighting my way,

My Sia,

To the life I wanted,

The life I need,

And in an instant gone,

Torn from my happiness,

And I fell.

 

More like alley cat than lion,

Battered and bruised after one too many brawls,

Until my life changed, destined,

First a nervous break down,

My purr not yet a growl,

Wounds licked,

My tongue satiating a troubled mind,

As with loves ripe cancellation,

My growls not yet roar,

Though the seed was thrown,

Aborted,

Poor Sia…

Tossed aside,

As readily as a half eaten plate of food,

Worse still,

You must reap what you sow,

Therefore I had to submit to pain,

Sullen,

Fallen,

My Black Dog screaming…

Priority one,

Revive this beautiful soul,

Radiant spirit,

Release myself,

Held captive by endless lies,

Heart wrenching,

After months of sublime bliss.

 

Admitting defeat,

Of my spiritual energy,

My mental plague,

Excelling beyond the blind leading the blind,

My eyes opened by continual struggle,

Between perceptions of good and evil,

Love and hate,

Right and wrong,

I dare you to deception again,

Forewarning you,

That while I have been,

Fooled since birth,

Fooled by you,

Shame on me for believing,

Told of only two polarities,

Black and white,

Account for all,

Rather than the truth,

Shades of grey,

Cultural difference

And outsiders interference,

Inference, conjecture and aspersions,

I and I and I,

Gaining strength,

Gaining insight,

I and I and I,

Gathering the will to journey on,

Allowing my face to become a beacon,

A signal to the world,

To you,

My mane is growing again,

My growl becoming roar,

Here I come,

One word,

One sentence,

One stanza at a time,

(Though even the Lion needs pride)

Platitudes left behind,

As you thought I’d stay in this repressive mental state,

Following the trail of deceit,

Taking the bait,

Self induced, professed and confessed,

Caught inside the scope of a trophy hunters rifle,

Yet the hunter visionless,

Saw only the immediate in front of them,

No foresight.

Roar,

Now firmly entrenched in my literary persona,

Warrior Poet,

King of,

Not just the proverbial jungle,

But also the one,

That leads me to you,

Whoever you are,

For now,

Poets united,

Wrestling with the intangible,

With love, fate, hurt and the Ether,

Over optic cables,

In the distance,

I hear you all,

And beseech you,

To do the same…

 

R

O

A

R

!

 

Rise from the shackles of experience,

Be more,

Better,

Rise,

Slough off mistakes,

With wisdom gleaned,

Rise,

Know that tomorrow is another day,

Stand proud,

Shattered yet intact and recognize,

These words are salvation,

While cold comfort to the romantic ideals we strive,

These words,

Like a lion’s roar,

Keep us alive…

R

O
A

R

!

 

SDM

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Trimester Realities in Multiple Dimensions

A few short weeks ago,

I was a third trimester fetus,

Reincarnated,

Brought on by a first trimester reality,

Clinging to the umbilical cord of life,

While letting go of the other,

To my great dismay,

And my black dog’s laughter,

A symbiotic relationship that benefited both love, and me

Now,

As the day approaches,

When sober thoughts

And new opportunities present themselves,

It is time for me to learn anew,

Everything that once I had known,

I do not know,

I did not know,

Taking nothing for granted,

I must,

Listen to the world around me,

To the Ether,

To Ernest,

Finding the auditory cues that will again lead me to speech,

I must develop new teeth,

A painful process from which my words will gain bite,

I must learn to crawl,

Wiggling this Peter Pan body all over the place,

A man child,

Until finally,

Finding balance,

I can stand and walk for only a few steps,

Those steps the beginning of a lifetime of journeys,

Love lost,

Love found,

From walking to running,

I sprint toward myself,

Intentionally,

Relentlessly,

Beautifully,

Making mistakes all along the way,

Experience,

Releasing a pain so fresh,

That my body aches just considering it,

As too does my soul,

Now,

I must learn to speak,

First through repetition and rapport,

Until finally,

I am forming my own words,

My own sentences,

My own expression of self,

Nosce Te Ipsum,

Growing up through this world,

I will learn ever new and wonderful things,

Be awed, inspired and inspiring,

And I will become what we all know I am meant to,

What I have always known,

Ernest in my ear,

What I already am,

Though,

Like child rearing,

(and believe me I was sand am o ready)

It will take time,

To heal,

Mistakes will be made,

And I will learn from them,

Experience them,

Own them,

Yet,

Through the wonder of a child’s eyes,

While imagining my Sia,

I am now looking at this world in a fresh and amazing way,

It is as if I am seeing it all again,

I am seeing it all again,

For the first time,

A trick played on my mind,

Through my action and intent

To comfort my mind,

In this period of grief,

Profound and gut wrenching,

Yet,

Though childbirth is painful,

My childbirth is a different kind of pain,

Ripe,

Rather than worrying about ten fingers or toes,

I am concerned with taking this newly born,

Innocent and empathetic mind,

Through the stages of childhood,

To reveal a man reborn,

Not a perfect man,

A better man,

Better than I was yesterday,

I and I aware of the exquisite pain of this rebirth,

I am to become,

The man of my dreams,

And one day,

Someone will see me,

For who and what I truly am…

Loving me without hesitation,

But until then,

Childbirth can be painful!

SDM

 

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The Road I’ve Been Down

Muse,

Of fire,

Ascending,

The brightest heaven of invention,

As promised by Shakespeare,

My birthright,

Long ago sworn by the Ether,

For only stolen moments here and there,

Poof,

Gone…

 

Where are you,

Where are you Muse,

Where do you hide,

Reside not only in my mind…

 

Why do you not show your face?

 

You have forsaken me just as love,

You have abandoned me,

Abandoned us,

The intense provocations of our young love,

Tempered by the hard and cold realities,

Our child paying the price,

One all too high,

Crashing me into a widening despair,

The grand canyon reverberating,

With my black dog’s howl,

How can you,

Muse,

Leave me more hopeless and helpless,

Lost in your confusion?

 

Failure, once more,

Knowing the wrong,

Yet feeling the right,

Muse can it be so,

That you suffer from an abject detestation of love’s grandest design,

For me?

Do you know what love is?

 

I was born of love,

Molded and forged by its waters that run deep,

Both its presence and absence,

The craving and the realization,

The departure and desertion,

For…

It is a tragic reality,

That Muse, the world knows that I am love,

Willing and able to commit myself without hesitation,

Even now,

Surrender to that lofty romantic ideal,

Especially now,

But for reasons unclear,

Perhaps cultural, familial or even more sinister,

You could not see, would not see,

Though assured you must be Muse,

One day, you will understand,

Though poof,

I am not there

(although I long to be ever more).

 

Muse,

Of fire,

I beg of you,

Return to these fingers,

This mind aching,

Reeling,

Yearning,

Unleash the Ether’s intent,

Once more use me as spark to reveal not just me,

But the world I see,

Through a child’s eyes,

As I see it,

For the rest,

You know of whom I speak,

For me,

But for you,

There is nothing I could not do,

I could not be,

For you Muse,

I would give my all,

The chances we didn’t take are always those we regret… forever!

 

Chances,

Second or otherwise,

This altruism,

Always finds us in the end,

When the hours are long,

But life is short.

And I wonder,

Will you ever feel the pain of these ripe cancellations,

First of our child,

Fatherhood a profound guardian,

Giving meaning to this existence,

Then of our star cross’d love?

A pox on the mental houses,

Of I and I and I.

 

Muse,

Of fire,

When will you again grace me with elegant prose,

When will you reveal yourself to me once more,

That I may be conduit for your greatness?

 

Allow me to shine for you,

With you,

By you

For all the world to see,

But only you to behold,

As I adore you,

Exalt you,

More intensely with each uncontrolled neuron,

Though my mind is awash in flags of red,

My heart is electrified with a rainbow of sensations,

Finding not the emptiness in a pot of gold,

Rather realizing fortune favours the valiant,

Who realize the best things in life are not things

And must always be treasured,

Cherished to the end,

Regardless of circumstance.

 

Muse,

Of fire,

I wish of you,

For you,

To return once more,

Return,

Until my fingers bleed,

Until my soul is crushed,

Only to be precious again,

Can I Muse,

Be precious,

Again?

 

Muse,

Of fire,

Come to me,

Please of you I beg,

Pleading with my Mistresses,

Fate, Serendipity and Destiny,

Overwhelming my insecurities,

Breaking down the walls,

Like Joshua at Jericho,

And no less weighty,

Shattered objections,

Finding peace,

In you,

With you,

For you,

Come to me,

As I know you want to,

Frightened as you are,

So too am I,

Although,

Together we can and should journey toward the light,

Chosen,

Muse,

Of fire…

D

N

E

C

S

A

 

And liberate my heart, body, mind and soul

 

 

D

N

E

C

S

A

 

To set us free…

 

D

N

E

C

S

A

 

Freeing yourself from the chains that bind you,

For despite my passion,

My deepening desire,

My soul,

On fire,

I can not liberate your mind,

Only you,

Only you can Muse,

Thus I beg of you…

D

N

E

C

S

A

SDM

 

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Delilah…

I am withering inside,

As the rains like my tears fall unabated,

The gathered clouds,

Reminiscent of the nightmare ceaseless,

Filled with the bravado of thunder

And the electricity of lightning,

Since that fateful day so long ago,

And also so near,

Full circle,

Dimensional warp,

Words that sting like a bee,

Necessary but still,

Withering indeed,

Like an untended garden

On a long abandoned estate,

Once home to the grandeur of lavish parties

And sensational tales,

And they were and are tales, aren’t they,

Where the band played on,

Champagne wishes and caviar dreams,

Realizing that love has once more

Reached into the deepest essence of my soul

With sweet words,

Misunderstood by you,

Or worse yet misused,

Like weapons,

With promises of forever and a new life to come,

Not just mine, or yours, or ours even,

But that of our child,

My greatest desire,

Greatest joy,

Ripped right from my elation,

Plundered insurrection of an emotional plight,

Allowed to believe,

Encouraged even,

That this time it would be different,

Yet,

Walking the plank of a remembered discontent,

Twenty years or more,

Flooding back into my consciousness,

Reminded how happy you were,

To see my happiness,

Recalling as I told you about then and there

When you said, not this time,

Not with me,

Not for us,

And yet, today,

While you turn your back on me,

Behind the cheating and the lies,

As I never could,

For I don’t know how,

While it seems so easy for you,

Almost callous,

One word unnecessary,

Cold and calculated,

Defense mechanism?

Running away?

Afraid?

Disingenuous?

Know this, you can not run,

This story, experience remains with you,

Inside you,

Trust me, I know,

Unless you really can be that detached,

Though I can not,

And while my descent into this despair,

Ripens with each moment,

While others would eschew you,

I will not,

Spit vitriol and visceral venom,

I will not,

Like untamed cobras caught in a snake charmers gaze,

But that does not mean I do not see,

I can not,

Will not,

Not now,

Not ever,

For I did love,

Do love you,

Will love you,

Always knowing,

Inside this pain,

History repeated,

Divine retribution,

Suffering a fate worse than death knowing,

The father I could have been,

Will be someday,

Though between now and then,

My heart is dying,

My soul is crying,

My mind is reeling,

From wretched feelings,

Not deep with in,

But on the surface seen,

Like the x that marks the spot of my deepest fears,

Trying to hide behind affable laughter

And a smile concealing,

Nothing,

Please forgive me,

For what I have done,

What we have done,

And know this,

As the truth has set me free,

My love was true,

Is true,

Can you say the same?
Can I believe you?

(Rhetorical)

Beyond the thin veneer of the games you play,

The truth has set me free,

So free,

And while this pain remains,

The lingering memory of your smile,

Ever present,

Hurts my days and haunts my nights,

Fooled as I was,

Dream turned nightmare,

Eclectic visions of what was,

Is and could have been,

Reasons,

No reasons,

For just like the greatest trick the devil ever pulled,

Was convincing the world he didn’t you exist,

You’ve just vanished,

Trying to erase me from your life,

And maybe you can,

But I can not,

Will not,

For to me,

You will always be the love I craved,

The women I longed for,

The mother of my unborn child,

And between all those days,

From there to then,

When I again am awakened,

I will never forget,

What almost was,

What could have been,

Had others not meddled,

Had you the strength,

Has you compassion and integrity,

And the ability to see what was in front of you,

And we not had to hide,

Lurking in the shadows,

Where our child will always shine bright,

For me…

 

Not to  be forgotten,

Ever!

And my hair, will grow again…

STRONGER!

SDM

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Fate’s Slight of Hand?


Slight of hand?

I think not,

For love has made me daring,

Persistent and true.

 

While arming to the teeth the rambunctious modality of fate,

Tears,

Fallen from the heavens of your own aspiration,

Of experience as teacher,

For surely this love you need know,

And you do, don’t you?

A reward for a life lived on terms indivisible, from which you are,

My Hmong Key,

At some point, despite your cat calls to the opposite,

Tears will continue to fall,

Rain drops the size of flattery,

Smiles the size of a child’s laughter,

Brown eyes brighter than the big bang,

And woman,

You,

Hmong Key,

Tears free from inhibition,

Free from the same rules that you deride,

Finding the strength with in,

Knowing what you do not want to be without,

Washing away the iniquity of man (men) and time,

If only for a moment,

Crying out for Hmong Key to follow your own path,

And you do, don’t you, my Key?

You are!

You will!

A path you started walking with your first breath,

When you began to crawl, to walk and to run,

Forging a path that is not for the faint of heart,

Weak of mind or menaced by the soul,

In your rabid individualism you keep others at bay,

While at the same time pulling them in,

Ever closer,

With a swipe of your hand across the sky,

For in this world, at this time,

You are creator and created,

A new horizon realized by you,

For you,

At the zenith of your projection,

Can you feel it?

Will you?

Witness to your own grandeur,

I watch from the sidelines,

Having been placed there by you,

For the now,

Leaving me in a stubborn state,

For I only know how to love completely,

Fully and without equivocation,

Nothing I would not do,

Where I am always

Longing to touch in you,

That which you have touched in me,

Awakened this Warrior Poet,

To new realities

And a brighter future,

Ours,

Treasured Muse,

Of more import to my life than all the works of art,

Contained in all the museum palaces of the world,

Your grace the very air I breathe,

I crave you,

I desire you,

I need you,

I live for you,

Loving you with

Every beat of my heart,

And only sustenance is when our lips meet anew,

Each time,

As you grant me new life,

New hope,

New love,

Watching as I have,

As I will,

As I do,

The earth reaching up to touch you,

The heavens reaching down to restore

Your virtuous grace

Such that it may know your immensity as I do,

But I ask Hmong Key,

Why,

Why do you continue to run?

Though the question,

Rhetorical,

For I believe I understand.

 

As Muse,

As mine,

You cannot deny the will of the gods,

Nor run from your fate…

 

A happy home!

 

Our palace?
Built on the pure foundation,

Of a love so rare,

It defies all logic or reason,

Delivered,

As blessed and beloved gift,

From the Ether,

The universe has a plan for us,

Divine.

Until the end of time…

What do you say,

Perchance a dream,

Together,

Realized?

 

SDM

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And Yet It Moves…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e6C6U9I7VA

Am I?

I must be,

I am,

No,

A fool of a man?

As Neil Young suggests,

Love,

Rendering me inside a hallucination,

Endless fascination,

Destination love,

Journey begun,

Never to find,

The right path,

As so many times before,

Zigging where I should have zagged,

Yet,

This time,

Here with you,

I thought not of loosing,

For we both have everything to gain;

And yet,

The sorrow of ripe demise,

Pulls me in ever more dangerous directions,

Considering the unfathomable,

As for once, this time,

I believed,

And,

Still do!

The deepening haze,

Of the fog of this war,

Depression like a runaway train,

Love,

My constant conductor,

Up and down,

But here,

Now,

With you?

Fool?

Love?

Fate?

Forever?

Never?

Words,

But not just words,

For words spoken,

Reveal intent,

And a kiss is never just a kiss.

Am I just living for the dying,

Or dying for the living,

Love,

Sweet love,

Muse,

My nature,

What am I doing here?

Manically found in a proverbial Kansas,

Raining,

Twister,

Fate or just a fool?

Fickle,

Though this is a moveable feast,

A banquet,

At the chef table of me,

Where you will always have a seat,

Reserved,

Just for you.

I and I,

Held furtive,

By the runaway I,

That believed, believes,

I could,

I did,

Touch you,

As you touched me,

Did I move you?

Or just shoo you?

Were you an oasis in my desert,

Or like a ghost,

From Hemingway’s Paris,

My Paris,

Ours,

My haunting apparition,

Just not now,

Not here,

Or by me?

Ever?

Fool am I?

Must I be?

I am…

Fooled again,

By a radiant soul,

Glowing eyes,

And an impish smile,

Extraordinary rendition,

This confusion,

Shared,

Fool,

I,

Am.

Afraid!

Polarized,

Bi,

You!

And yet it moves,

My love,

Hmong Key…

And yet it moves…

SDM

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Bittersweet

The bittersweet,

Less chocolate,

More, irony,

Delicious torment,

Out of my greatest joy arises my greatest pain,

As with the ascent of emotions true,

So too upsurges the wave of my Black Dog’s howl,

Like the screaming baby I hear,

Do you?

Like a wolves cry on a full moon night,

Calling out something unknown,

All the while feeling the awkward presence,

Seeing the face, faces,

Of the decisions that had to be made,

As yet understood,

And infinitely painful,

Bittersweet,

The air is thick with the sweat of high stakes poker,

Though there is no tell that can reveal,

What we both know,

We both feel,

We both show our hands,

Though close to our chest they be,

ALL IN,

Calling out to each other,

Even if only through the ether,

Known,

Finding that the course of true love never did run smooth,

I must admit, accept and allow,

You to find your own way,

A fate worse than my own demise, or so it seems,

Called out as I have been,

For an argument with Hemingway and Picasso,

(“No true love ends well” and

“Every act of creation is first an act of destruction”)

I had to be destroyed by love,

In order to create love,

Flirting with the danger of Zelda,

(“I love you anyway-even if there isn’t any me or any love or even any life-

I love you.”)

The danger of you,

Our situation,

Situations,

Instant bond formed,

Lifelong,

As I reconsider who and what I am,

On a light cast,

Lingering,

Like the memory of your luminous smile,

Tongue in cheek,

Endless dimples and peace signs,

Keeping me going through the days,

These dark and heady days,

Past, present and future,

As a new time nears,

With the passing of the hours,

That I can finally unleash the hound,

Hounds,

Let loose the ills that have plagued me,

Plunging intensely into wave after wave of your hugs,

Even if only as a memory,

Relieving myself of the delicious anguish,

That has haunted me all my life,

Strife,

Abandonment,

Loss,

Struggle,

From the mouths of babes,

Promises made,

Broken,

Though my promise, ever true,

Always,

Battle after battle,

Inner destruction,

Outer costumes, one after another,

To hide the true nature of my character,

Hoping that none could see,

But they do,

You do,

As now I press further,

No longer filled with a wanderlust,

But instead satisfied,

With initial surrender,

Complete,

For you,

For me,

For us,

Fly Hmong Key, fly…

For the family I believed was to be,

As I know where this yellow brick road goes,

And I will follow,

If you will lead,

I will lead if you need follow,

Pulling back the curtain,

To find understanding in translation,

For, in your gaze,

I find,

Myself revealed to myself,

I and I and I wondering if perhaps, this time,

It may be… different,

Here and now,

Instead of there and then,

Just not now,

Not here,

No longer trapped by the shadow cast,

By a past I can not change,

That I must embrace, face and comprehend,

If I am to arrive at destination me,

With journey you,

Will you journey with me,

Hand in hand,

To another place,

That only we shall know?

Together at last,

Let us walk slowly,

Purposefully, with grace and delight,

Sloughing off confusion, fear and mistakes made,

Marching toward an endless night,

Howling like new lovers,

At our moon,

Swimming in our sea,

Tranquility,

As the ladies of night,

Destiny, Fate and Serendipity cry tears of joy,

As they only do,

With love found,

Like this love, perhaps

Between girl and boy?

 

But not the now,

For even some things that are meant to be,

For reasons myriad and as mysterious as love itself,

At a certain moment in time,

This moment,

Just can’t be.

 

It is said if you love,

Set them free,

If they don’t come back it never was,

If they do,

A new forever will emerge…

True love, never dies!

And I will always love you Hmong Key!

SDM

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