Human Beings Are Like That

Many people claim to know me,
And yet so few of you have ever understood;

Since the tender age of five,
I have endured, largely in private,
The plague like realities of this ever working mind,
Never resting,
Not for a moment stopping,
As the chemical storm
That is perfected in this warped brain of mine,
Allow for a moment of relief,
Nightly, when I stare at the ceiling;

Deliberating on the pain I have been subjected to,
Smiling as much as possible to mask what was really happening,
As I slipped deeper and deeper into a rabbit hole,
Where there was and is no Carpenter,
There was and for me is a Walrus,
Buddha seemingly calling out to me from the Ether,
Just as Ernest calls me from over my shoulder,
Along with the rest of my delusional posse,
Lost;
Fitzgeralds’, Picasso, Pound, Joyce, Stein, and Toklas,
Useful to be sure,
But nonetheless,
How, at the age of twelve, could you explain?

W O R D S…

My long time salvation,
From an eternal pain that burns in me,
Just as a flame of another,
In a cemetery where fallen men and women,
Patriots all,
Made the ultimate sacrifice for a supposed God,
And a once great country,
A salvation that for me realizes,
I have fallen,
Time and again,
Five, twelve, twenty-one and every two years since then,
Yet somehow endured;
Moreover, coming here; was to be my final release.

W O R D S…

One true sentence Ernest reminds me now…

I left my home and native land,
In my mind,
Chemically stunted by cocktails designed to create robots,
Functionality seemingly more important than vitality,
I left my home and native land,
Proud,
Resolved that I would be as far from my family and friends as possible,
Sheltering them from what I had decided weeks before leaving,
To this land of Elephants, genuine souls that shine,
Communities that thrive on common purpose and effort,
Families that thrive on love and devotion,
I left my home and native land,
To find a place of love,
For my own troubled mind,
Where finally at ease,
I could take my life,
Knowing they would send me off,
As I long to be,
Burned,
Returned to the Universe;

Sparing my family and friends the pain of being near,
Not understanding,
Not knowing,
That every day is a struggle,
Every hour the thought of death stalked me,
Stalks me,
Just as a rabbit a very important date,
I felt late for my own rebirth,
Through a very personal demise,
On my terms,
I left my home and native land,
A date with destiny,
A date with the reaper,
Grim.

The best laid plans of mice and men,
Unraveled before me,
One smile,
Another and another,
Abounding,
Resounding,
Confounding,
As a people with so little,
Could seemingly have so much,
Such wealth that even the richest of you may never know;

A desire to live, not exist, live,
A desire to thrive,
In circumstances many of you reading this will never see,
Let alone be capable of imagining;

The best laid plans of mice and men,
Paved with despair,
That led me so far away from my home and native land,
So I could return triumphant,
Warrior Poet, back home;
That which calls me hourly…

Yet,
I found the universe, the cosmos and the Ether,
(not to mention Ernest)
Calling out to me,
Chosen light,
Protector of mankind,
Engage that smile,
Engage that rage,
That perfect chemical storm,
The power,
That rests inside this mind,
To fight for a new world,
The world I have longed for since Ernest first appeared at five,
Spoken about since I could critically think,
Worked for since I realized that what I was doing,
Was the polar opposite of who I am and what I longed for,
I worked for evil men and evil itself
A truth I could no longer hold,
Let alone the voices that never quieted;

Seeking death,
I found life,
A meaning and a purpose,
That I have long believed will only be realized upon my premature death,
Whether by my hand or that of a bullet;

My soul no longer poisoned by pharmaceutical zombification,
By actions taken, those were intended well,
Were in fact the roads to hell,
But not here,
Not now,
For this has passed,
Due to these people that have freed me,
Saved me,
Embraced me for me,
Treat me like a man,
Seeking to be a better man,
For my heart has never been tarnished,
Only my mind,
Though now free from medicine,
I have found that genuine humanity is my medicine,
I have relief that is more personal in the smile of a child,
Than I ever did from Lithium or the rest.

It is for these reasons,
The comfort I have been granted,
Which few of you would find comfortable at all,
Returned to me my life on my terms,
Returned to me and thus you, my words,
My passion,
My soaring spirit
And a mind free from the tyranny of the poison pills,
That longs to engage humanity,
To help wherever and whenever possible,
To be SENDER,
The one that you have all loved to hate,
And hated to love;

Please understand;
My plea,
My cry,
My devotion to these twelve families,
These human beings,
Who are being left behind,
Understand that without them,
These words,
Would not be written,
My life force would have been gone long ago,
For without them,
There would be,
No more Sender,
And just as there has been a Return to Sender,
Please help me, help them,
To return to a place of safety, a place of comfort,
A place to call home.

We all long for a place to call home!

SDM

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