Tag Archives: abandonment

Love Denied: The Whole Hole

Abatement of attritions seized,

Long winded encapsulations of flicking fingers,

On keys that respond though not in kind,

Whirling fascinations of presupposed indifferences,

To the untrained eye,

Of I and I and I,

Three parts of self,

Detached from the Id, Ego and Super Ego,

Instead a delicious Freudian dilemma,

Where Pandora’s box opened,

Revealing several demons lurking inside my shadows,

Dark companions,

Those that invite libation,

Yet never liberation,

A secret secreted through ill defined words,

Plentiful though, indeed,

Scattered thoughts,

Manic suppression of fatal tendencies,

Hidden behind cheers of one more,

Uno mas,

Sante’s and Nok’s.

Prolific wanderings,

Wailings and whatevers,

Yet never a might have, could have or should have,

For I rise to challenges epically,

Instead these illuminated bastions,

Of a soul redux,

Cast aspersions of an inimitable kind,

Desperate longings of oft fulfilled dreams,

Set adrift on unsafe mechanisms,

Deities of defense,

My own,

As I and I and I battle for the supremacy of one,

Love,

Almighty love,

That which whilst I bask in the glow of its resplendence doth know,

Unmercifully my deepest and darkest hallucinations,

Bellow for my ultimate demise,

The champions of my decades long search,

Poking, pleading, presenting,

Obstinate objections to my outwardly manifestations,

GONZO,

Simple protestations that I will not go quietly,

Into any night, good nor bad,

To satiate the desires of my imaginary companions.

Here I stand,

On the precipice of something new,

Precisely poised to push past the penultimate pantheon,

Of Black Dogs and empty bottles,

Surpassing the shattering sound of a shotgun blast,

Straight into the den of my own iniquity,

Analyzing antiquated efforts at assumed acquiescence,

Smashing that something not quite right,

Writing it with something not quite wrong,

Too long Poncho to Quixote,

That now I must steady my stead,

Right my resolve,

Resist my resistance,

Futile,

In accepting that the whole hole,

Is not love denied,

But instead love accepted, ascended and awesome,

In transforming the broken emotional I and I and I,

Suicides committed daily,

That I now stand corrected,

I,

I,

And I.

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The Importance of Muse (6)

In the infinite chaos of perpetually recycled stardust,

The remnants of the big bang reveal to me secrets,

Long misunderstood,

There is an order created by the Ether,

Readily apparent to those who have vision,

Versus those who merely see,

Those who listen,

Versus those who merely hear,

For out in that dark void there exists a vibrancy,

Resonating inside the souls of poets since time immemorial,

A resplendent beauty that unlocks a passion necessary,

To adulate the treasured honour of Muse’s presence,

Your presence,

I adore you,

I love you,

Figurative and literal,

In ways you will never, could never understand,

Despite these hopeless attempts to be

Conduit for the invisible,

Muse,

Not just the royal you, so often presented,

But the perfectly imperfect package,

That stands before me at the ready,

Laying bare your soul,

That I too may do the same,

As these words require

And my literary masters demand.

As said before,

Here, time and again,

The importance of Muse can not be inconspicuous,

For she is an overstatement of all that I deign necessary,

To prevent my emotional suicide,

Loosing my gift in a series of meager attempts,

To force what is not there,

In her absence,
Your absence,
I am nothing but a fool with words,

Though when she comes,

Touching me deep with in,

Those words spill out from me,

Seductive and instructive,

More readily than I can breathe,

Effortless as her inspiration unlocks the key,

That liberates my creative flow,

Endless,

Ebb and rip,

The gravity of her presence,

The tides lead me away from my inner storm,

Toward an awaiting Nirvana,

Whereby the touch of her lips,

Is the ambrosia from which I drink,

Understanding completely the full nature of love,

One only understood by those caught in the rapture,

And endless delight,

Of that perfect phrase,

Capturing a spirit that only you can see,

Only I,

Can see,

Muse!

It so often seems,

That between those moments,

Where splendor presents itself in veiled opportunities,

That the broken shards of me,

Cut deep,

Sending me further into an abyss,

A loving idiot savant,

Where my Black Dog howls,

As I plead with the Ether,

And my Ladies of the night,

Serendipity, Destiny and Fate,

To once more grace me,

Instruct and guide me,

To that necessary ingredient,

Muse,

Which fuels these tomes,

Endless,

An expected necessity,

Cherishing what I see,

What I know,

What I am,

Words,

Wordsmith of Muse.

 

Your importance,

Is akin to a mother’s milk,

To a new born child,

A pirouette to a ballerina,

A canvas to Picasso,

And a great green light for Gatsby,

And yet tragically,

My providence,

As guided by that frenzied Ether I so adore and praise,

Finds me Daisy,

Rather than as a star cross’d lover,

And yet I persist,

I rise,

I look to the heavens,

Praising even the momentary glimpse,

Of true beauty,

Inside your soul,

Muse,

That either none have, could or can see,

But I,

Guided by nature’s call to enthused benevolence,

To touch another as they touch me,

As you touch me,

So yes, Muse,

Your importance is greater than you may ever know.
Constantly,

I find myself in a state of flux,

A perilous and hazardous precinct,

Where my greatest wish,

Becomes my greatest downfall,

Always has been,

Since as early as the Ether first blessed me,

With these heart-rending efforts,

Dancing to the elegance of these ethereal gifts,

Presented by the Ether,

In a form that could only be you,

Muse,

For even those few moments,

Where I get to bask in the sentiments,

Those I crave more than anything else,

Even if for a panicked instant,

As I contemplate the predictable disappearance,

As happens each and every time,

Just as quickly as you arrived,

The infinitely obvious precision of my life,

Abandoned,

Left with these words as evidence,

Of a true gem,

Gems,

The very real importance of Muse,

If I am to survive,

Non Omnis Moriar.

 

Muse,

You are at once my everything,

And nothing,

For I can only seize,

What the Ether permits,

And it is a fickle master,

Guiding these fingers,

As they flicker with the genius, you inspire,

To some the foundation of a delusion of grandeur,

Those that could never understand,

For at least a while,

Never quite long enough,

Making the best of it,

As I bask in the prismatic resplendence of your soul,

The radiance of your smile,

The intense secrets behind those dancing eyes,

And the subtle way that even the simple act of walking,

Can alight in me an abstract prospect,

Captured in an instant, herein,

For you,

For posterity,

For you are Muse,

And without you,

I am lost in Dante’s circles of Hell,

As Virgil laughs,

And The Lost Generation once more consoles me.

 

With an intense vanity,

I fumble like a school child,

Scribbling outside the lines,

Hoping that you might see,

That Pandora’s curiosity,

Resulted in the very box that needs to be open,

If I am to thrive,

If I am to know genuine bliss,

For that is truly what you force me to aspire,

Climbing higher and higher,

Inside a drug induced fury,

Of pheromones clashing,

Serotonin dashing,

Dopamine slashing and adrenaline rushing,

And yet,

Like Hemingway’s haunting presence in my life,

That one true sentence,

That might finally get you,

Royal or otherwise,

Muse,

To see,

To feel,

To believe,

To hold fast,

Might understand,

What even I myself can not,

Me,

If I am to thrive,

It is only Muse,

Because of you,

All I imagine,

All you are.

The importance of Muse,

Of you,

Royal and otherwise,

Creates all I am,

All I will ever be,

The dutiful secretary,

Of the Ether’s grace,

Giving me moments of significance,

That are entirely dependent,

On you,

Muse!

SDM

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Continuum of I

escher stars

Now left to consider,

A future bare,

My mind a shell fragment,

That currently winds its way,

Most painfully,

Through every part of my being,

Like an Escher of an Escher of an Escher,

A life once realized,

Once promised;

 

Is the failure of everything?

At least for I and I and I…

 

If there were justice,

No man or woman would have to surrender these feelings,

The unrequited and unrelenting tumult,

That rips through the very texture of space and time,

As the realm of the possible,

Has become a bleak future,

An emotional capitulation that surely will force me,

To the brink of the universe,

In an act of conditional surrender,

To momentary truth,

I am standing proud,

Not of all I’ve done,

But certainly of my conduct at present,

As I try to make it easier for you,

Knowing that I owe you,

My strength right now,

So reliant on you,

I wonder how,

When I have searched the seven seas,

Travelled billions of miles to find you,

Now seeming poised to spread your wings and fly away,

From our love banquet,

That now seems like a bestial abandonment,

Loosing the only person that has kept me alive,

Of course there is always the future,

And the reconciliation of love lost,

Though that knowledge,

Cold comfort,

As my manifest destiny,

Is revealed to be,

A lifetime of pain.

 

Your freedom assured,

At least in the physical world,

Your emotional survival too,

Assured,

As this is of your design,

Of your making,

And,

As I always have,

I stand with you,

Despite the difficulty in doing so –

 

Making decisions,

Life affecting and altering decisions,

Forcing me to the edge of reason,

Where my demons preside,

As they have for twenty years,

Old wounds again become new,

Teetering on the razor thin line of my convictions,

Compromised,

For the greater good,

For your greater good,

Seemingly for us;

 

Dangerous considerations,

When I gave up the very treasure I long for most in this world,

Now deserted by choice,

With festering deliberations,

That linger,

Filtering through every part of me,

Wounded pride will heal,

Though this apparent demise,

Was not just the absconding of words held only to myself,

All these years,

It was I and I and I’s doppelganger,

The gang inside my head,

As the vicious screams begin anew…

 

Perhaps,

Someday,

The pain and sacrifice will make sense,

Revealing some uncharted fate,

Yet unfulfilled,

Necessitating,

Love will return,

Though for me,

It will never go away.

 

SDM

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The Very Nearness of You!

The very nearness of you,

Knowledge of you,

That you are not a distant dream,

But instead a reality pulled,

Defies the gravitational force of light,

Love,

Slapping Newton squarely in the jaw,

Escaping  the undeniable,

Avoiding the inevitable,

As the black hole of a certain past,

Gives way to the dark matter,

Of our illuminated path,

And new each day as we discover,

The reasons we have to love each other,

Feelings, emotions and treasured desires,

Logic choking my lungs,

Asphyxiating all the reasons against,

Fueling all the reasons for,

For there is no reason,

Is there?

 

Save that there is…

 

More than one…

 

For this life is not a game,

Or a rehearsal,

It is lived,

In a series of moments,

Where fate, chance, destiny and serendipity open doors,

Where they do not exist and we must choose,

CHOOSE,

Whether we realize the falseness of the opening,

Is the very proof that they exist…

 

Open this door,

Walk through it,

Open me,

Crazy as it seems,

Crazy as it is,

Crazy as I am,

Walk through it,

Walk to me,

Walk with me,

As your eyes and smile already have,

Each time we coyly meet inside a secret garden,

To which only we have access,

For the now,

And when we can together expose,

What the world already knows,

Inside these words,

To see with their eyes,

L O V E,

Will manifest,

In ever new and wondrous ways;

For you,

For me,

For us,

Exposed,

Naked and restless,

Listless and wanting of nothing,

Save another moment with you.

 

For every moment that passes,

That you are not with me,

Is like a lifetime lived without the very essence of truth,

Your spirit,

Kissing mine,

Embracing the darkness that is so rich,

Claiming false the necessity of my brooding ways,

Hearing too the realities of my barking bitch,

This Black Dog,

Proving it,

With a tenderness that reveals all I could be,

(all I am)

If I just got out of my own way,

Allowing you to break the well crafted walls I have erected,

Protected,

From the anguish of ripe cancellation,

Save but three times,

Fearing the worst both in myself,

And the abandonment that follows,

Knowing the pain of separation as only I can,

For I have been separated,

I and I and I,

Now uncovering layers like an onion,

Forcing me to cry,

Not tears of sorrow,

Instead of joy.

 

For tomorrow I will see you,

Surreptitiously,

As this world wonders,

Why I beam

And you glow,

All the while we,

And we alone know,

The answer to the question we’ve both asked since our youth,

Swinging from the branches of the tree of life,

Ending years of strife,

Beginning anew,

Beginning with you,

Knowing it’s true, I can’t fight,

This way,

We feel inside,

I am yours

And you,

You are mine,

Adored,

Ever more,

Agape love.

SDM

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Emerging Nosce Te Ipsum

Sleep.

Precious sleep.

Sleep eludes me,
The luxury of nightly recharging foreign to me,
Despite being ambassador to the inner workings of me,
So too does knowledge of the infinite evade me,
(unsettling me beyond measure)
The ever expanding void of Nosce Te Ipsum,
Whereas the quantum is something with which I am comfortable,
Though my nightly ritual,
Involves a cycle of half asleep and half awake,
I still,
Through some miracle,
(I know I am an Uber human)
My circadian rhythm interrupted,
Still allows,
That R.E.M. sleep finds me rapidly,
Ten minutes at a time,
Though,
On nights where I am half and half,
(Of which there are several weekly)
The dreams that usually come,
Are horrible nightmares of my worst creation,
Deviant creatures of dark purpose,
Annihilation assured,
The mental fragility that is I,
And I and I,
Assaulted by demonic thoughts,
The road I’m travelling is without advice,
There is no beacon of hope,
No light at the end of the tunnel,
No escape from rational thoughts interrupted,
By aggressive advances of my subconscious,
Each step one more in a direction,
That without chaperon,
Alight my fears,
Abandonment my greatest,
Frightening me to take action,
Desiring,
Needing,
Wanting to be surrounded by love,
I press forth,
One more step,
Yes, that’s it,
One more step and I will be free of these nightly terrors,
As societies jester I don’t understand,
Why the backs of all I know have been turned,
Attacking me for some unknown opulence,
A psychopathic doppelganger,
Little bastards of deviant thought,
Those send shivers down my spine,
And serotonin running for my brain stem,
Battling the dopamine rush,
A jolt of epic proportions that pushes me from my half and half state,
Back to this world,
Awakening my resilience,
To comprehend,
That which my subconscious is communicating,
What is it communicating,
What is it I am trying to tell myself,
With doomsday scenarios that play themselves out,
Inside this fractured mind,
Knowledge of the ways of this world,
The morally bankrupt and corrupting influences,
Tempered with a child like idealism,
Running from the reality of mutually assured destruction,
Into the abyss of my own disassociation,
Though I survive,
Unsure how or why,
I press on,
To the beat of obliterations drum,
Finding the time and strength,
To record,
What it is I’m seeing,
Feeling,
Hearing,
Touching,
Smelling,
Believing that this grand design,
Intelligent,
Has some purpose for my life,
And that as necessary precursor,
To this realization of self,
I must battle this nightly dread,
That I am yet to understand,
That I am yet to reach,
Perhaps,
These apparitions,
And the nightly terrors,
Are seeking to awaken the giant,
Sleeping,
So that I may find,
The ability,
To tyrannically proclaim,
Over my own subjugation of a runaway mind,
My domination,
Of this wounded spirit,
One step at a time,
Leading me to the Promised Land,
Of full comprehension of self,
As I emerge,
Once more,
Daily.

SDM

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