Tag Archives: Black Dog

Neurotic Delusions, Grandeur and Love

 

232

How did I love you?

Those who saw the diamond through the coal,

With all of what I am,

Muses all,

How did I worship the very ground you walked on?

Praising your feelings,

Bowing to your desires,

And every whim,

How did I love you?

Do I love you…

The only way I know,

The way that you forgot,

Unconditionally,

And without equivocation,

For I am love,

Love I am AND

Love repeats

Inside concentric circles AND

Is rarely black and white…

Though hands outstretched I continued on,

Seeking the one,

She,

Muse,

That would liberate my soul,

Free my mind AND

Alight my every desire.

How did I love you?

For when our eyes met,

And your spirit dangled before me,

Muse (s),

I had no other choice,

But to fall,

Hard into you,

The way the universe seemed to be speaking to me,

Invisible vibrations settling frayed nerves,

Through you,

That I would abandon me,

So that I could have you,

The mistakes I made,

Now obvious,

As you let go,

Each of you,

Just in time,

For my mind to plot a new course,

In your heart,

No longer loving me,

Or so you said,

Leaving my neurosis to consider,

Once love bestows,

Can it simply disappear,

Back into the Ether from whence it came,

Or does it remain,

Inside our DNA,

Surely revealing a divine plan,

That is neither black nor white.

How did I love you?

Completely,

Parts of me still wondering,

What went wrong?

Knowing all along the answer,

Is that my mind,

No longer numb from the drugs and the drinking,

Had given way,

To something you couldn’t recognize,

Something you couldn’t,

You wouldn’t deal with,

Leaving me abandoned,

With the greatest fear I have ever had,

That I am not good enough,

Oh how did I love you?

How did we get to here?

This crossroads of our own survival,

Our mutual creative thrusts,

No longer mutual,

You fighting for your delusions,

Following your dream,

Loosing me forever,

I and I and I fighting my delusions,

The unintended consequence,

Of your decision and ripe cancellation,

Left me fighting for my sanity,

My toe clearly in the water,

As I let go,

Completely,

Of myself,

To be with you,

Left reeling now,

Forced to imagine what my life had become,

I and I and I crying out;

What has life become?

So plain to see,

But while you were looking,

You couldn’t see,

What was there,

Right in front of you,

Now vanished,

Like the tomes I wrote of our love,

How did we come to here?

Something snapped,

My synapses firing less than wondrously,

The brain affected by something,

As two hemispheres,

Left and right battle daily,

With demons that you never saw,

I never showed you,

The royal you,

For;

How could I?

As it would have interfered with what you dreamed of,

What dreams may come,

You would have lost focus,

And in the end,

You did lose focus,

On the one person that loved without condition,

From once upon a time,

To the end of my days,

So too did I,

And I and I,

Lose,

Control,

Of that which I value so dearly,

This mind,

This beautiful and tortured mind,

A Shakespearean Tragedy and fault all at once,

Cracked,

But not the code,

For the Ether still had and has in store,

A magnanimousness that even I cannot comprehend,

For when the Sirens sing,

I row away from the shore,

Seeking the enduring strength,

To ever more press on.

Inside,

I felt beaten by love,

Drowned in insecurities,

Anxious that I was not good enough,

Would never be good enough,

That finally,

My mind,

Had let go,

And I was about to be thrust to the other side,

The name that dare not speak itself,

And yet,

It was howling in my ears,

Twenty four hours a day,

Sleep at a premium,

If for only twenty minutes at a time,

Inside,

I was yet to understand,

That I was,

And would,

If I didn’t address it now,

Slip forever,

Into insanity,

And so,

Without you,

I sought the help I needed and need,

So that I can reclaim my life.

Reclaim and rebirth.
The gray matters of the heart and soul,

Seeking not a straight line,

But the road less travelled.

My Black Dog,

Said before and will again,

A rabid bitch,

She defies logic,

And escapes reason,

She demands that I sit silent,

Isolated,

Alone,

Sullen emancipation,

From the rules that bind all of you,

For at first,

While I was embarrassed,

Ashamed and frightened by what was happening,

I came to understand,

Through endless dialogue,

With a brilliant sage, sages,

That this curse,

As I have referred to it time and again,

This blessing and curse,

Is the battleground of my own survival?

At least with this mind.

Neurotic,

Depressed (not sad as many a Muse has maintained),

Bi Polar,

Hyper Mania,

OCD,

Murmur,

Seizures,

And more,

The laundry list of my body’s contempt,

For this mind,

This beautiful mind,

And warrior poet soul,

Ether,

Though this scorn,

Is nothing like the other contempt I have endlessly known,

Nor does this contempt define me,

I will not,

Could not,

I WON’T allow contempt to control or destroy me,

No I will fight,

I WILL FIGHT,

A war consistent, that paints itself here,

For all to see,

My contempt palpable,

For what this beautiful mind is trying to do,

And is in fact,

And then there is Muse…

Muse,

Her subtle fingerprints,

All over my words,

Since the day I entreated her to flutter into my being,

Her soul dancing with mine,

Painting pictures of imagined futures,

Though none as marvelous,

As just one simple kiss,

That settles in me a passion,

A passion others have known,

Though this time,

There is something ripened about it,

As if the cancellations of my past,

Have somehow taught me,

Not to give up,

Not to give in,

Instead,

To give completely,

To share,

Whether good or bad,

Exactly who and what I am,

Finding acceptance in her smile,

Finding strength in her eyes,

Finding solace when she touches my hand,

Sending me to a repose I’ve never known.

Muse,

Passion renewed,

Desire quenching my souls ache,

To be touched and to touch another,

In such a way,

That their entire day is lifted,

Their entire life finds new meaning,

All of who they are,

Not tied up to who you are,

Instead,

Together,

Creating an individualism,

That because of new love may emerge,

Muse,

New Muse,

She brings to me,

A renewed passion,

I bequeath these humble words to thee

And the beautiful love,

Already created in your image,

That now shines on me.

Millions of words,

Stained by love,

These words,

Since my journey of self discovery began,

All those years ago,

Repeated,

Out of the ashes of a love destroyed,

By malignant neglect,

This Little Prince rises,

To meet the challenges,

Of the voices in my head,

As I humbly submit,

To you.

SDM

Written from photo prompt at http://www.magpietales.blogspot.com/2014/08/mag-232.html .

Some of the best writing on the net.

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Bittersweet

The bittersweet,

Less chocolate,

More, irony,

Delicious torment,

Out of my greatest joy arises my greatest pain,

As with the ascent of emotions true,

So too upsurges the wave of my Black Dog’s howl,

Like the screaming baby I hear,

Do you?

Like a wolves cry on a full moon night,

Calling out something unknown,

All the while feeling the awkward presence,

Seeing the face, faces,

Of the decisions that had to be made,

As yet understood,

And infinitely painful,

Bittersweet,

The air is thick with the sweat of high stakes poker,

Though there is no tell that can reveal,

What we both know,

We both feel,

We both show our hands,

Though close to our chest they be,

ALL IN,

Calling out to each other,

Even if only through the ether,

Known,

Finding that the course of true love never did run smooth,

I must admit, accept and allow,

You to find your own way,

A fate worse than my own demise, or so it seems,

Called out as I have been,

For an argument with Hemingway and Picasso,

(“No true love ends well” and

“Every act of creation is first an act of destruction”)

I had to be destroyed by love,

In order to create love,

Flirting with the danger of Zelda,

(“I love you anyway-even if there isn’t any me or any love or even any life-

I love you.”)

The danger of you,

Our situation,

Situations,

Instant bond formed,

Lifelong,

As I reconsider who and what I am,

On a light cast,

Lingering,

Like the memory of your luminous smile,

Tongue in cheek,

Endless dimples and peace signs,

Keeping me going through the days,

These dark and heady days,

Past, present and future,

As a new time nears,

With the passing of the hours,

That I can finally unleash the hound,

Hounds,

Let loose the ills that have plagued me,

Plunging intensely into wave after wave of your hugs,

Even if only as a memory,

Relieving myself of the delicious anguish,

That has haunted me all my life,

Strife,

Abandonment,

Loss,

Struggle,

From the mouths of babes,

Promises made,

Broken,

Though my promise, ever true,

Always,

Battle after battle,

Inner destruction,

Outer costumes, one after another,

To hide the true nature of my character,

Hoping that none could see,

But they do,

You do,

As now I press further,

No longer filled with a wanderlust,

But instead satisfied,

With initial surrender,

Complete,

For you,

For me,

For us,

Fly Hmong Key, fly…

For the family I believed was to be,

As I know where this yellow brick road goes,

And I will follow,

If you will lead,

I will lead if you need follow,

Pulling back the curtain,

To find understanding in translation,

For, in your gaze,

I find,

Myself revealed to myself,

I and I and I wondering if perhaps, this time,

It may be… different,

Here and now,

Instead of there and then,

Just not now,

Not here,

No longer trapped by the shadow cast,

By a past I can not change,

That I must embrace, face and comprehend,

If I am to arrive at destination me,

With journey you,

Will you journey with me,

Hand in hand,

To another place,

That only we shall know?

Together at last,

Let us walk slowly,

Purposefully, with grace and delight,

Sloughing off confusion, fear and mistakes made,

Marching toward an endless night,

Howling like new lovers,

At our moon,

Swimming in our sea,

Tranquility,

As the ladies of night,

Destiny, Fate and Serendipity cry tears of joy,

As they only do,

With love found,

Like this love, perhaps

Between girl and boy?

 

But not the now,

For even some things that are meant to be,

For reasons myriad and as mysterious as love itself,

At a certain moment in time,

This moment,

Just can’t be.

 

It is said if you love,

Set them free,

If they don’t come back it never was,

If they do,

A new forever will emerge…

True love, never dies!

And I will always love you Hmong Key!

SDM

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Family and Friends, Lend Me Your Eyes…

Family and friends surrounding,
A disintegrating mind,
Like Humpty Dumpty,
The fragmented I and I and I,
An ageless wisdom imparted far too soon,
A boyish man longing for innocence,
It is never too late to realize your purpose,
It is always too late should you not try,
As with the eyes of a child,
This tragic wandered often proclaims,
Peter Pan, Mowgli, The Little Prince,
Yet with shades of Hunter S., Hemingway and Whitman,
Split,
Where one and one is no longer two,
Causation of wonder,
Or effect of madness,
Now a far off philosophical representation,
Somewhere between Neptune and Saturn,
The individual slices of me,
Are combatants in a struggle,
One without rules, or order,
Only chaos,
Those crushing spirit and alighting passion,
Creating wonder and destroying serenity,
A weight that is ever increasing,
With a universal half life of a billion years or more,
As we seek to remake, rebirth, renew,
This once vibrant mind,
Constantly fighting, battling, several voices in this head,
Working with vigor,
To find the answer to a syllogism,
Through which this mind may find it’s way,
Back to itself,
Back to me,
Where even a half empty cup,
Means that it is half full,
Just like my wandering through time and space,
Like Einstein, shooting on a star at the speed of light,
Though I,
And I and I,
Are shooting at the speed of thought,
Searching for the parts of me,
Those have not lain dormant,
Instead,
Have gone unanswered,
I should have listened,
I should have obeyed,
I should,
Is no place to live, nor exist,
For this rupture,
Is causing tears in the fabric of me,
Potential as curse,
That pollutes my own abilities,
Carried since youth,
A fierce belief, nay knowledge,
For I have no faith,
That I am meant, destined,
To arise as a chosen light, protector,
Bringing illumination where shadows are cast,
And darkness attempts to reign,
Depression and Black Dog as catalyst,
Demonstrating with all that I am,
(Although a permeating agony of fractured self)
The ingenious assault of love,
To impart the wisdom of my sages,
Through which,
Freedom is found,
Bringing pieces of mind renewed, restored and peace,
For this Warrior Poet,
And hopefully for you.

SDM

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Darkened Black Dog

Darkened Black Dog,
This bitch like litter,
Apparent tirelessness,
Of demons many,
Found by all,
Do you know?
Have you met them?
Will you recognize the face of your accuser?
When that accuser is really one within,
It’s darkness supplanted,
Becoming,
Brighter than the sun,
Crushing the soul,
Held motionless by defiant emotions,
Those timeless and without place,
For who pray tell must endure this precocious and infectious curse,
Emotions and feelings,
Those can no longer be repressed,
The present,
Awaiting vital judgments,
To undo the minds displacing agony,
Summarily dismissed only to be executed the same,
The trial of this earthly existence,
In moments clamoring yet quiet,
The freshly fallen snow,
Nature’s ermine, reminiscent of grand chambers,
Whereby the guilty are set free,
While the innocent are fighting for their lives,
Internal jurisprudence,
Neither justice nor prudence,
The virgin harlot,
The vestal whore,
Two solitudes existent deep within,
Touching every living soul,
The same soul,
Drowning,
In a rain swelled river,
No banks in sight,
The supposed effectiveness,
Of swimming with the current brought,
Under,
Whereby,
One constantly questions,
Whether the grade shall be made,
All the while knowing,
The game is crooked,
Skewed,
Perverted for everyone,
All the same,
The sick joke of compromise,
With different results,
While demons await,
The shrill defiance of the night,
Leading demons back to the door,
Where any moment,
They will shatter the night,
Sleepless,
Making bright the torment,
Of depressions battle waged.

SDM

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O Miserable Companion

 
O miserable companion and only friend,
My deepest fears and contemplations,
Pissed on and over,
By a menacing Black Dog,
A misunderstood and misrepresented dalliance,
Of my souls greatest demands,
Freedom I cry,
As my leash is pulled and I am returned,
To this horrible life,
Reminded of the ordeal that is now my life,
Feeling minimally adequate,
In that I can speak this righteous pain,
To readers the world over.
 
O miserable companion and bastard child,
Of I and I and I,
Capable for years, as I was, of holding at bay,
The myriad effects that now run me over,
Like a bus,
Cross town traffic,
How do I loathe you for your trespasses,
Yet still I do loathe myself,
For this is part of me,
And therefore I am at fault,
Filled with doubt and shame,
Shame and doubt,
As I raise my eyes to the sky,
Crying out for more permanent relief,
As I beg the universe, the ether,
To give me more than words,
Relief,
That never comes.
 
O miserable companion and fleeting friend,
Taking hold of this mind, not just my soul,
Forcing tricks of my eyes,
My hands to shake tremble just as my fears,
Realized daily,
At least lately,
Why must depression sink me to the bottom of the sea?
Why must I drown in the discontent,
Inside the furious maelstrom of neurons firing,
Neurons over which I have no control,
Made simpler for you to understand, at least I pray,
Should you want to,
Dip your toes momentarily,
Into my surreal reality,
Do you think about breathing?
Or does it just happen?
My predicament is the exact same as that,
I have no control,
As I move hour by hour,
Fighting,
Waged,
Will never be won.
 
O miserable companion and jubilant destroyer of worlds,
What shall I do,
What tone must I take for my salvation,
Shall I,
Continue down the garden path of your design,
Medicated fantasy of a life reclaimed,
For without those pills,
The many pills,
My mitigated life,
Would become a deadly ambassador,
Felled first by chemical reaction,
Then my intellects destruction,
Finally my mind grasping as a child a forbidden candy,
Moved to obliteration,
This fate,
Worse that death to me,
For what am I without a mind,
Without the faculties to set me free,
From depressions bloody curse.
 
O miserable companion and surreal master,
I beg with you,
Set me free,
Give me back a beautiful taste for life,
Rather than the misery of this horrible plight
Let me again taste sanity,
Move me back to this side of normal,
I beg of you,
Set my arms free,
To these tomes,
In depressed tones,
Left of pain,
To realize again,
Rebirth,
As I reclaim my life.
 
SDM
 

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Arise O Mighty Giant

 
Arise,
O mighty giant,
Declare unfit this brooding beast,
My Black Dog,
Eternal enemy of my mental state,
Split psyche,
Persona non grata,
A less than diplomatic struggle,
Fight and fight and fight,
I and I and I,
Supremacy will mine ultimately be .
 
Awaken,
O Warrior Poet,
Give substance to raw feelings,
Own the pressure and the pain,
Devouring with humble ambition,
(And perhaps a spot of mustard)
That dastardly infantile puppy,
Rue the day,
That dominion was passed,
To that beasts portend,
Of a descending and infernal madness,
Claiming that the I,
Must now become We,
I and I and I,
Until again I can be me.
 
Arise,
O mighty giant,
By birthright ram,
Stubborn titan,
Do battle with this Black Dog,
This mental leviathan,
Viciously cruel,
Call upon a virtual regiment,
Grenadiers standing at attention,
To dispose with great malice,
The vicious varmint,
Tormentor of my days,
Haunting specter of my nights,
Plunderer of my sanity,
I will survive.
 
Awaken,
O mighty giant,
Shatter hopelessness,
With formulas of supreme calculation,
Reveal that determination in spite of challenge,
Is the mental mountain that must be scaled,
And that savage monster,
My Black Dog,
Will in moments lead to hours,
Hours to days,
Days to weeks,
Weeks to months,
And months to years reveal,
The purposed dismissal,
Of my dark mongrel,
With a genuine smile.
 
Arise,
O mighty giant,
Awaken,
The Warrior Poet within,
For this conflict requires,
All the strength,
That I can muster,
And I will not be defeated.
 
Arise,
Awaken,
O mighty giant,
Warrior Poet.
 
SDM
 
 
 

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