Tag Archives: destiny

The Epic Wrath of History Repeating

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdY-rywIWNE

 

I’m deeply sorry,
Muse,
Profoundly sorry in fact,
An assault, one of the most meaningful moments in your life,
And most difficult to be sure,
Decisions had to be made,

Life altering,
Moreover, I supported them,
(As I have before, swearing never again)
Support you,
(despite supposed convictions ostensibly negotiable)
I am sorry,
So deeply sorry that it hurts me,
Reopening gashes that I’d finally come to terms with,
You must understand,
At least try to,
This is not a reflection on you,
Rather, a realization of my current plight, and me.

You see,
I have served at the feet of others,
Others desire,
Others needs,
Others want,
Others every whim,
For I believed that was the very cornerstone of love,
Unconditional and without equivocation,
Though only now learning
The difference between giving in and of
Giving of me,
Giving in to the plague of necessity.

I, as you well know,
I am,
Shackled by a burdensome depression,
(one that your presence lifts me out of)
My all too frequently visiting professor of despair,
Tenured,
(held at bay when you are near)
My Black Dog,
Mightier than Cerberus and even more terrifying,
Do you get that? Can you?
This is not hyperbole or a platitude
Instead my daily truth,
Quarreling with the hounds of my mental hell,
A mind that has split in three,
A suffering I wish not on you,
Not even my worst enemy,
Of which I have none,
But if I did,
I would not wish this torment upon them,
For a weaker mind,
Less inclined to fight,
May slip to the other side,
A fear I live with daily,
A thought I have as routinely as you brush your teeth,
Bipolar realities of imaginative suggestion,
The prison cell of both my consciousness and sub consciousness,
The defense mechanism that my internal acumen affords,
A dim but still burning candle taunting me forward,
Chosen light.

Thoughts constantly slashing,
Crashing as if the sea on erosion torn rocks,
The passage of time reflected in their scars,
But my scars you cannot see,
And this new one so raw,
Blinded by temptation,
Forbidden and yet so very right,
I long for more, for you, but
My scars are the inner cuts and bullet wounds,
Of a mind run amuck,
Of experiences I cannot erase,
Memories I cannot purge.

Despite my attempts to explain this virtual hell,
Virtual to you,
Real to me,
Of time marching on,
Thirty-eight years have passed me by,
Twenty two of which I fought with a bottle,
Just to get some sleep,
Inside of me,
A clock,
Destiny’s fingerprints,
Force me to these words,
As shelter from the tempest,
Fighting the course of nature,
Begrudgingly I accept my plight.

And I fight,
Though less for me,
More for those that do not have this gift,
More for those that cannot express this torture,
For my soul,
Twisted and tangled,
By the struggle I face,
Head on,
Though not necessarily head up,
Cross checking me into the proverbial boards,
Of universal discord,
Even now,
As I write these words,
Of these ordeals, disorders and complexes,
(forced decisions that while responsible, STING, the most)
Are uncontrollably forcing my eyes into and out of focus,
Globus Hystericus,
Choking on my own cacophony,
Repeated tragic fate.

Can you imagine,
What I face each day,
In and out of focus,
While my mind, though torn, is like a laser,
Words the beam I use to propel myself from madness,
I know my destiny,
I know what providence has in store,
And as you may or may not know,
I feel that I am worth more dead than alive,
Imagine dealing with that thought, not once a day,
But once every few minutes,
A horrible feeling,
Again,
That no human being should have to face,
(one that I need not face alone because of your grace)
I must,
Face the truths of what I have done,
For what I know is outweighed by what I do not.

Yet,
This is my battle,
This is my fight,
This is my cross,
And I will endure,
Feeling that I had left it all behind,
Until history, in it’s cruelest dimension,
Has repeated itself,
A horror show for me,
Tragedy for you
And I am sorry,
So sorry as, this festering wound is
Reawakening my dormant darkness.

I will press on,
(loving you with continual support)
As I contemplate what it means,
Failed lover,
Failed father,
Protecting mutual self interest,
In the most selfless way,
Finding,
To be this writer,
This beautiful mind,
As Warrior Poet,
Beaten by the battle,
Still waging this interminable war.

In this time,
In this place,
Forced to realize,
That every burden,
For every person everywhere,
Is as challenging as my own,
Just different,
And I know I have saddled you,
And for that burden,
As lowly servant,
I fall to my knees and beg of you,
Accept these honesties and let us together move,
Forward as intended.

Just different,
For we all are unique,
Beautiful,
Though I am restless,
To once again reclaim my rightful mind,
(with your adoring eyes as guide)
Minding the truth,
That this fight is mine alone,
Therefore, I am profoundly sorry,
As my time,
Is now,
To dismantle this mind of mine,
Putting it back together,
In my image,
Therefore, I may press on,
For others,
For you,
And I am relieved you are by my side,
As I must stand,
In this moment,
For us,
Warrior Poet,
Giant of spirit,
And delicate Peter Pan,

Love;
My personal odyssey.

SDM

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The Bittersweet

The bittersweet,
Less chocolate,
More, irony,
As with the ascent of emotions true,
So too rises the wave of my Black Dog’s howl,
Like a wolves cry on a full moon night,
Calling out something unknown,
All the while feeling the awkward presence,
Of something as yet understood,
Bittersweet,
The air is thick with the sweat of high stakes poker,
Though there is no tell that can reveal,
What we both know,
We both feel,
We both show our hands,
Though close to our chest they be,
Calling out to each other,
Known,
As I have called so many times to the Ether,
Argued with Hemingway and Picasso,
Flirted with the danger of Zelda,
As I reconsider who and what I am,
On a light cast,
Lingering,
Like the memory of your luminous smile,
Tongue in cheek,
Keeping me going through the days,
Past, present and future,
As a new era nears,
With the passing of time,
That I can finally unleash the hound,
Let loose the ills that have plagued me,
Plunging intensely into wave after wave of your hugs,
Relieving myself of the delicious torment,
That has haunted me all my life,
Strife,
Abandonment,
Loss,
Struggle,
Battle after battle,
Inner destruction,
Outer costumes, one after another,
To hide the true nature of my character,
Hoping that none could see,
But they do,
You do,
As now I press further,
No longer filled with a wanderlust,
But instead satisfied,
With initial surrender,
Complete,
For you,
For me,
For us,
As I believe I know where this yellow brick road goes,
And I will follow,
If you will lead,
I will lead if you need follow,
For in your gaze,
I find,
Myself revealed to myself,
I and I and I wondering if perhaps, this time,
It may be… different,
Here and now,
Instead of there and then,
No longer trapped by the shadow cast,
By a past I can not change,
That I must embrace, face and comprehend,
If I am to arrive at destination me,
With journey you,
Will you journey with me,
Hand in hand,
To another place,
That only we shall know,
Together at last,
Let’s us walk slowly,
Purposefully, with grace and delight,
Marching toward an endless night,
Howling like new lovers,
At our moon,
Swimming in our sea,
Tranquility,
As the ladies of night,
Destiny, Fate and Serendipity cry tears of joy,
As they only do,
With love found,
Like this love, perhaps
Between girl and boy?

Like it’s the first day of my life…

SDM

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Mon Cles Divine

With one look of your eyes,
(Those I had long since believed did not exist)
One peering glance,
(One I never thought I’d see)
You break through the chain male armor,
(Male as in Me)
Of a soul that longed for you,
(Mine)
Prayed for you,
(He/She/It/They or the Ether listened)
Dreamed of you,
(Nightly since a little boy)
With every adult fiber of my being,
(Knowing true Muse must eventually appear)
Considering virtue,
(Despite invitations from the Sirens)
Fostered by an unshakable faith,
(Two souls eventually collide)
An unprecedented belief,
(Save for those with an artistic slant)
In the power which understood,
(More than I ever could)
Acknowledged and revealed,
(With one blessed look)
The infinite wisdom,
(Of blessed truths)
Of love requited unconditional,
(For Muse is always without condition)
On a foundation,
(Rock solid)
Of daily discovery and affirmation,
(Kisses, more kisses)
Love,
(Anew and Reinvigorated)
Angelic grace,
(As your face clearly paints)
Through virtue understated,
(But not mistaken)
By you,
(In spite of my faults; Black Dogs and voices)
In the revealing reflections,
(Of mirrored souls)
Of your eyes,
(The window)
The universe unfolding,
(In multiple dimensions)
One atom at a time,
(The “God” Particle?)
Accelerated,
(With every breath)
By promise,
(At once believed)
And the realization of potential,
(Infinite loops and unified love theory)
On wings only visible,
(Less Icarus and more Cherubim)
By those that truly see,
(And I now can, see)
Through something that can’t be explained,
(Nor should it)
You have come,
(Mon Cles)
And with the grace of the tooth fairy,
(Imagined friends, less imagined)
My pillow,
(Shared)
Every morning,
(A gift from the stars)
Has born the just reward,
(Of a lifetime of want and need)
For the daring,
(I)
The curious,
(And I)
The scared,
(And I)
Who can believe, I and I and I,
(Finally)
In the sacred power,
(Of my Mistresses Serendipity and Fate)
Of a divine trust,
(Between lover and loved)
Love,
(Transcendent)
Wisdom in the revelation of this song,
(Only for you)
That glorious song,
(Syncopated breaths and beats)
All lovers hear,
(Listening to the bodies desire)
At the smack of the soul,
(Meet, Greet and Complete each other)
Manifested by the lips,
(Gleefully, more kisses)
Thank you Sages,
(For revealing to me)
Best friend, confidant, and every day more,
(Knowing what I have always known)
Unleashed,
(With a delirious chuckle and desirous smile)
Virtues eternal curiosity,
(Where these words dance)
Contemplated,
(Every moment of every day)
Love
(You).

SDM

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But The Divine

There is no love,

There is nothing,
But the divine,
And you are;

Divine;

This is our time,

ours,

now,

“You’d be surprised girl…”

The puzzling and incomprehensible,
The great enchantment of conviction,
Without definition,
Fleeting and without standard,
As unique as those who experience it full,
Conceptions, notions,
Real understanding;
There is no love but love,
But love,
Divine,
You!

There is no love,
Other than built on solid foundations,
Trust, understanding, compassion, passion and light,
Strong virtues,
Those are not after thoughts,
Or thoughts at all,
But the actions taken,
In the daily affirmations,
Built on leaps of faith;

And I am,

Leaping;

The mysterious unknown,
That captures physiology,
Chemistry, biology and evolution,
Purpose built,
And neuron driven,
To pheromone realizations,
Those enchant, entice and enthrall,
Love,
Do or do not,
No try.

But the divine,
There is no love,
An ever-growing cascade of tides,
That ebb and flow,
Yet the undercurrent is always there,
Threatening the riptide of emotional tumult,
Lives promised,
When instead it should be life promised;

So long as it is affirmed and uplifted,
My life,
As a leap of faith,
Is yours,
And I have known great jumps,
With no safety net,
Those that have led me to here,
To now,
To you.

But the divinity that I seek,
Is yet at the altar of my existence,
Struggles to define and design my life,
On my terms,
Burdened by my black dog,
Depressions curse,
Though I pray intently and intending,
That love,
Divine,
Will again light my way,
Love and only love.

There is no love,
Where one solely believes,
Without equivocation,
For what is life but a series of compromises,
A lesson learned,
Through heartfelt painful exuberances,
In the loss of self,
I,
Now I and I and I,
Fighting for a destiny I have known,
Manifest,
Since the moment of my birth,
And I will fight,
For you,
For me,
For us.

Now certain that love,
Divine,
Is one, which only the Muses will reveal,
As before has been true,
Divine,
I will bow at the altar of you,
Praising what I know is true,
For I feel your power,
Intense and increasing,
Zeal,
For each other,
And the life we sought,
Now found,
In your eyes,
The prize,
The life we’re living.

As I stand before you,
Imperfect,
Flawed,
Broken,
Battered,
Cracked,
Torn,
Scratched,
HUMAN,
Searching the ethos of my tempestuous entitlements,
Ill deserved,
Divine love,
Agape,
Ambrosia fueled and sound,
Perfectly imperfect,
No love can escape this crown of thorns,
As taken from roses,
Especially,
Love divine.

Shall this fool,
Find divine,
Once again,
The faith,
To love,
You,
For surely I do,
Studied apprehension giving way,
To storied ascension,
As I ascend you,
To that glorious promise,
Of today,
Tomorrow and the next day,
Evermore found,
In the shadow of your smile,
Illuminated by your soul,
Destined to know,
Our quiet secret,
Bequeathed,
Evermore!

SDM

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Judgement

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLF_WNF3qp4

Detained by my own self loathing,

I could not see past the mask that I had assembled,

Equal measure,

Comedy and tragedy,

The story of my life played out on multiple stages,

And in multiple dimensions,

Partially as defense mechanism,

Partially as undeniable stupidity,

For this open book that is my life,

Need not be censored,

Need not be less than what it is,

For you who stand in judgment of me,

Should, as Bob Marley says;

“Judge not, before you judge yourself,”

Acutely aware of my many faults,

Including things that you may not view as blunder,

I stand ready to embrace them,

And if you can not,

Then I must say unto you,

On your merry way,

Trot out of my life,

Like an unbridled and wild horse,

For you will never understand me,

You can never know me,

I am built on Shakespeare’s fatal flaws,

Shakespeare’s fatal flaws a guide map to the stage direction I call life,

And where you see weakness,

I find an ocean of strength,

I find a determined will,

To live,

To be,

To become,

I find virtue (and a little vice),

That now brings me to this,

A manifesto of my own accord,

A new manifesto,

A new life,

My design,

As intrigued by destiny and fate,

As determined by hard work,

Book ended by two parts of myself,

Doppelganger,

Sweet and innocent me (sweet yes, innocent, Judge not)

And then,

The darker,

More Mr. Hyde part of myself,

The voices of my past and present,

And the literary giants of infamy,

Hemingway; “Write drunk, edit sober” Key word; “Drink!”

Calling me to action,

Beyond my fatal flaws,

In spite of them,

Revealing all of me,

Evermore,

Without censor,

Without fear,

Without worry,

For I am,

Sender,

and I am,

Love,

Faulty and flawless,

For me,

For you,

For us!

SDM

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For YOU I Will…

For Y O U I will…

Search the universe guided by the energy of karma,

Crisscross this planet from Paris to Shanghai,

Toronto to Shangri La,

For surely you and I are lovers,

Destiny has willed it,

And I will find you.

For Y O U I will…

Look deep within myself,

Battle these demons that robbed me of a love inspiring,

I will become the man that I am meant to be,

Finally refusing to run from myself,

As long as you will hold me dear,

Guide me away from the darkness,

My Black Dog,

For the battle may be won,

But the war is arduous,

And this General will outfox my inner struggle.

For Y O U I will…

Walk across the desert,

Naked and without even a sip of water,

For you are my oasis,

Though now more like a mirage,

Yet,

In the distance,

I can see that you are my water,

You are my life,

And I will find you.

For Y O U I will…

Write the most perfect surrender,

Vowing to be yours and yours alone,

For I already am,

Yours and your alone,

My eyes transfixed solely on you,

For you will be my soul mate,

And I will find you.

For Y O U I will…

Promise all of me,

Good, bad or indifferent,

And for your part,

You will understand that I am imperfectly perfect,

Fatally flawed like all Shakespeare’s greatest tragedies,

And you will relish in it,

For what and who I am,

Is consumed with who and what you are,

And I will find you.

For Y O U I will…

Dance a jig,

Tame my shrew,

Unleash my literary Cracken,

Write volumes of passion requited,

Our flame ignited,

I will…

Light your way,

Shine brighter than the sun,

I will reorganize the universe,

So that you are the centre,

My centre,

And I will find you…

And I will find you,

I hope I will find you,

Perhaps though,

You will find me and know,

That for you,

There is nothing I won’t do,

For I love you already,

I have loved you since birth,

And I will find you…

And did I?

Only time will tell…

SDM

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The Very Nearness of You!

The very nearness of you,

Knowledge of you,

That you are not a distant dream,

But instead a reality pulled,

Defies the gravitational force of light,

Love,

Slapping Newton squarely in the jaw,

Escaping  the undeniable,

Avoiding the inevitable,

As the black hole of a certain past,

Gives way to the dark matter,

Of our illuminated path,

And new each day as we discover,

The reasons we have to love each other,

Feelings, emotions and treasured desires,

Logic choking my lungs,

Asphyxiating all the reasons against,

Fueling all the reasons for,

For there is no reason,

Is there?

 

Save that there is…

 

More than one…

 

For this life is not a game,

Or a rehearsal,

It is lived,

In a series of moments,

Where fate, chance, destiny and serendipity open doors,

Where they do not exist and we must choose,

CHOOSE,

Whether we realize the falseness of the opening,

Is the very proof that they exist…

 

Open this door,

Walk through it,

Open me,

Crazy as it seems,

Crazy as it is,

Crazy as I am,

Walk through it,

Walk to me,

Walk with me,

As your eyes and smile already have,

Each time we coyly meet inside a secret garden,

To which only we have access,

For the now,

And when we can together expose,

What the world already knows,

Inside these words,

To see with their eyes,

L O V E,

Will manifest,

In ever new and wondrous ways;

For you,

For me,

For us,

Exposed,

Naked and restless,

Listless and wanting of nothing,

Save another moment with you.

 

For every moment that passes,

That you are not with me,

Is like a lifetime lived without the very essence of truth,

Your spirit,

Kissing mine,

Embracing the darkness that is so rich,

Claiming false the necessity of my brooding ways,

Hearing too the realities of my barking bitch,

This Black Dog,

Proving it,

With a tenderness that reveals all I could be,

(all I am)

If I just got out of my own way,

Allowing you to break the well crafted walls I have erected,

Protected,

From the anguish of ripe cancellation,

Save but three times,

Fearing the worst both in myself,

And the abandonment that follows,

Knowing the pain of separation as only I can,

For I have been separated,

I and I and I,

Now uncovering layers like an onion,

Forcing me to cry,

Not tears of sorrow,

Instead of joy.

 

For tomorrow I will see you,

Surreptitiously,

As this world wonders,

Why I beam

And you glow,

All the while we,

And we alone know,

The answer to the question we’ve both asked since our youth,

Swinging from the branches of the tree of life,

Ending years of strife,

Beginning anew,

Beginning with you,

Knowing it’s true, I can’t fight,

This way,

We feel inside,

I am yours

And you,

You are mine,

Adored,

Ever more,

Agape love.

SDM

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