Tag Archives: doppelganger

Her Laughter; My Master

I exist inside a plain of doppelganger, doppelgangers,

That those in my inner circle can see,

But she, she moves me,
With a kindness only a mother can understand,

She touches my darkness with light,

Illuminating the invisible,

Decimating the appetite for destruction,

With a deft touch,

As gentle as a morning wind sweeping the sea,

Yet as vicious as a strengthening storm,

A dichotomy that seems oxy moron,

Yet is the stable prerequisite of love’s necessary refrain,

I am here,

I am here,

For you,

With you,

Of you,

Her laughter,

With pursed lips and widening eyes,

Like a siren and a muse,

Reaches deep within the void of my gloom,

Tickling with subtle insinuation, beyond words,

Beyond intent,

The clenched paw of Cerberus,

My nonpareil Black Dog and constant companion,

Around the chains of my chemical tempest,

Breaking them, confounding him, indeed them,

Her laughter,

With piercing resolve to lighten my load,

In the absence of mitigating words,

Her face twists and turns stunningly,

And a primal surge wells within,

Released to an awaiting beast, beasts,

My vicious inward aspersions cast,

While my imaginary friends call for impossible results,

A permanent darkness,

Replaced by,

Her laughter,

Like the sweet scent of lavender in Provence,

Or dew kissed roses in spring,

Demanding rapt imagination,

Eyes closed,

She transports me from the personal hell,

To a pivotal heaven,

Each ethereal laugh like the pluck of a minstrel’s string,

Or Nina’s voice,

Tugging through the fog of my decay,

Planting seeds that sow a temporary reprieve,

A kindness known so rarely in occasion,

Expressing the ultimate shift of a soul in flux,

A soft hammer when Father Time demands,

Stillness when Mistress Fate decides,

A grandiose calmness that unwinds the havoc,

And wreaks hope on this heavy heart, downtrodden,

Uplifted by the sweet caress of language beyond words,

Meaning beyond understanding,

Wisdom beyond years,

For in the kindness of this mother’s laugh,

Rests something more powerful than all the armies,

Standing and past,

Lives something more encompassing,

Than misfiring neurons and atomic practical jokes,

Her laugher unleashes a storm of optimism,


Within reach,

That if I can abide this one moment more,

Just one more moment,

Internal clouds will fade,

Sirens will subside,

Resplendent Muse emerging,

And in that moment, grace descended,

I am free from I and I,

From torment,

From words,

From language,

Yet filled with unseen troughs of majestic communiqué,


She knows,

Her laughter,

The penultimate gift to me,

The reminder of a life worth living,

Faith restored,

Where once again words have meaning,

But not one,

More than the prehistoric surge,

Of her liberating laughter.



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Continuum of I

escher stars

Now left to consider,

A future bare,

My mind a shell fragment,

That currently winds its way,

Most painfully,

Through every part of my being,

Like an Escher of an Escher of an Escher,

A life once realized,

Once promised;


Is the failure of everything?

At least for I and I and I…


If there were justice,

No man or woman would have to surrender these feelings,

The unrequited and unrelenting tumult,

That rips through the very texture of space and time,

As the realm of the possible,

Has become a bleak future,

An emotional capitulation that surely will force me,

To the brink of the universe,

In an act of conditional surrender,

To momentary truth,

I am standing proud,

Not of all I’ve done,

But certainly of my conduct at present,

As I try to make it easier for you,

Knowing that I owe you,

My strength right now,

So reliant on you,

I wonder how,

When I have searched the seven seas,

Travelled billions of miles to find you,

Now seeming poised to spread your wings and fly away,

From our love banquet,

That now seems like a bestial abandonment,

Loosing the only person that has kept me alive,

Of course there is always the future,

And the reconciliation of love lost,

Though that knowledge,

Cold comfort,

As my manifest destiny,

Is revealed to be,

A lifetime of pain.


Your freedom assured,

At least in the physical world,

Your emotional survival too,


As this is of your design,

Of your making,


As I always have,

I stand with you,

Despite the difficulty in doing so –


Making decisions,

Life affecting and altering decisions,

Forcing me to the edge of reason,

Where my demons preside,

As they have for twenty years,

Old wounds again become new,

Teetering on the razor thin line of my convictions,


For the greater good,

For your greater good,

Seemingly for us;


Dangerous considerations,

When I gave up the very treasure I long for most in this world,

Now deserted by choice,

With festering deliberations,

That linger,

Filtering through every part of me,

Wounded pride will heal,

Though this apparent demise,

Was not just the absconding of words held only to myself,

All these years,

It was I and I and I’s doppelganger,

The gang inside my head,

As the vicious screams begin anew…




The pain and sacrifice will make sense,

Revealing some uncharted fate,

Yet unfulfilled,


Love will return,

Though for me,

It will never go away.



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Detained by my own self loathing,

I could not see past the mask that I had assembled,

Equal measure,

Comedy and tragedy,

The story of my life played out on multiple stages,

And in multiple dimensions,

Partially as defense mechanism,

Partially as undeniable stupidity,

For this open book that is my life,

Need not be censored,

Need not be less than what it is,

For you who stand in judgment of me,

Should, as Bob Marley says;

“Judge not, before you judge yourself,”

Acutely aware of my many faults,

Including things that you may not view as blunder,

I stand ready to embrace them,

And if you can not,

Then I must say unto you,

On your merry way,

Trot out of my life,

Like an unbridled and wild horse,

For you will never understand me,

You can never know me,

I am built on Shakespeare’s fatal flaws,

Shakespeare’s fatal flaws a guide map to the stage direction I call life,

And where you see weakness,

I find an ocean of strength,

I find a determined will,

To live,

To be,

To become,

I find virtue (and a little vice),

That now brings me to this,

A manifesto of my own accord,

A new manifesto,

A new life,

My design,

As intrigued by destiny and fate,

As determined by hard work,

Book ended by two parts of myself,


Sweet and innocent me (sweet yes, innocent, Judge not)

And then,

The darker,

More Mr. Hyde part of myself,

The voices of my past and present,

And the literary giants of infamy,

Hemingway; “Write drunk, edit sober” Key word; “Drink!”

Calling me to action,

Beyond my fatal flaws,

In spite of them,

Revealing all of me,


Without censor,

Without fear,

Without worry,

For I am,


and I am,


Faulty and flawless,

For me,

For you,

For us!


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The Me I Already Am

Slave to my own impediment,

I could not break free from myself,

I could not or would not see,

The delicate beauty that rest inside my baby blues,

Instead seeing the fiery damnation,

Of an overworked mind that knew not,

How to find inner piece, (intentional in search of that elusive sentence)

Until I let go,


This year, by far the hardest, of my thirty eight years,

Thirty eight years?

That never knew real joy,

Thirty eight years?

Those have seen ups and downs,

Been hit sideways more times than I care to admit,

Leaving me,



Unable to face myself in the mirror,

Or the mirror of myself,


My eyes,

Unleashing a terrible fright,

That even the voices in my head could not combat;

Bellicose Hemingway and intrepid Fitzgerald,

No Whiskey wisdom,

Nor Vodka insight,

Could release me from this personal hell,

That crippled my body,

Yet infuriated my mind to action,


You erroneous fool,

You must,

For no one else than you,

Can, nor will,

Starting with a heaping helping of forgiveness,


For things that I had no control over,

And that I cannot change,


Find personal redemption in a kiss,

A beautiful kiss,

Your kiss,

Finally arrived finding the ability,

This ability to love myself,

In ways I never thought possible,

And always just out of reach,

Avoiding at every turn,

What it meant to be me,

What it means to be me,

Wanting so desperately the love of others,

That I let go of me,

Wanting the deep satisfaction of emotions requited,


There was none behind that door,

Only a black dog that still beat me down,

Beat me,

Like a private and evasive whipping boy,


Though none can see,

Invisible scars,

A pickle that is beyond explanation,

For who could understand,

Certainly not you,


And yet here we are,

Understanding, or at least attempting to find,



I no longer require outside reinforcement of who or what I am,

For only I can explain that truth,

Only I can live the truth I have known since I was a child,

I must live it,

And finally,

I have started to corral this furious beast,


And constantly misguided,

Putting a leash on my black dog,

I am on the road,


Toward the me I already know I am…

Finding as I do,

That love,

Love always finds a way!



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Childs Play

The deafening absence of anything,
Apparent apathy,
Pierces deep within,
As manic considerations of;
What ifs? Why or how?
Shatter reason,
Rendering logic as useful
As a Rubik’s cube to a toddler,
Choking on my own insecurities,
I wonder, or is it posit?
That the love I seek is in fact projected,
Less transcendental, more Gatsby,
That I am caught inside the picture of a picture
Inside this cagey mind,
Wandering lost,
Yet believing I am found,
Perhaps this insistent doppelganger,
Constant, inferred dilemma,
Is in fact the reassembly of I and I and I,
Three egos, three ids in search of more,
Hungry and craving,
Though that doesn’t change the abject pain,
In fact it reinforces it,
Felt each time I imagine your smile,
Envision your eyes,
Say your name,
A treasured x that marks the spot,
Where you’ve made a direct hit
At the very core of me,
You strike at the heart of this matter,
My atoms transformed,
By whom I am transfixed.

Are you my Rubik’s cube?
Am I just a toddler?

When what I really want to know,
Is where are you now?


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