Tag Archives: dream

Manic Depression (Crash Again)

You’ve got your ball

you’ve got your chain

tied to me tight tie me up again

who’s got their claws
in you my friend
Into your heart I’ll beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
and sweet you roll
Lost for you I’m so lost for you

You come crash into me
And I come into you
I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream”

I hate myself… for loving you.

I love myself…for hating you,

No… no… no…

That can’t be right,

Though these feelings are so intense,

Blossoming with every passing moment,

That it feels as if I am being run over by a bus,

Repeatedly,

By you,

So no,

I don’t hate myself for loving you,

I hate myself for hating you,

when in reality things just fall apart,

just like I have,

just like I did because of the decisions we had to make,

perilous and spirit shaking,

Yet,

I love that with you I knew a home,

A real home,

Such that I have never known,

I love myself for loving you,

Better as I am,

As a man,

For having known every part of you,

And there is so much more I would love to discover,

Will you let me

As I am discovering every part of me,

You always remind me,

That I had to find that place,

(that now seems I have discovered anew),

where I had true inner peace,

engaging my Buddha,

detachment from everything and nothing,

look and I am there,

searching for you,

high and low,

doing everything,

EVERYTHING I CAN,

To get you to see,

these are the thoughts of a ravaged mind,

ravaged by love,

ravaged by you,

I want to be ravaged by you,

And I know I will again,

Won’t I?

I think of you at least fifty nine minutes of every hour,

One minute I am left consumed,

Sorting out the parts of I and I and I,

That seem damned to lovers limbo,

At least for now,

But today’s present,

And all the days between now and then,

Is that you will always be comfortable knowing,

That I care for you,

Deeply,

That I love you,

Truly,

I love myself for loving you,

For the provenance of my souls advance,

Lay neatly,

Undiscovered in your hands,

For the past is the past,

People can and do change if the circumstance is right,

Soon to be unearthed in your thoughts,

In your hands,

Precious though they may be that ripped my heart right from my chest,

Did you look at it while it was still,

Beating,

No… no… no…

That is not right,

You see, this is what manic depression does,

Do you understand?
Do you care to?

Just as you have shown me the way,
I too will be your guiding light…

And yet,

Truly you reveal in me a gentleness,

A greatness,

That I have never known,

One that I now embrace,

Fully and completely,

Transforming into a better man as

You touched my life with cupid’s fingertips,

Guided by my ladies Destiny, Serendipity and Fate,

And now I am left in a contrast and comparison,

Of the days we shared,

The memories we made,

The life we knew,

The love we knew,

The love we still know,

Yes… Yes… Yes..

That is right,

It has to be,

For you are a heavenly present,

My divine Angel,

Muse,

Hmong Key,

Which is why,

As I battle myself for supremacy of self,

Becoming more each day,

I know…

I believe…

I long…

I love… You, I love,

So,

I wonder…

Was it all a dream?

And if so, can we dream again,

Love reborn,

By compassion, understanding, persistence and honesty,

I love you

And I know

You love me too.

I love you Hmong Key!

SDM

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The Very Nearness of You!

The very nearness of you,

Knowledge of you,

That you are not a distant dream,

But instead a reality pulled,

Defies the gravitational force of light,

Love,

Slapping Newton squarely in the jaw,

Escaping  the undeniable,

Avoiding the inevitable,

As the black hole of a certain past,

Gives way to the dark matter,

Of our illuminated path,

And new each day as we discover,

The reasons we have to love each other,

Feelings, emotions and treasured desires,

Logic choking my lungs,

Asphyxiating all the reasons against,

Fueling all the reasons for,

For there is no reason,

Is there?

 

Save that there is…

 

More than one…

 

For this life is not a game,

Or a rehearsal,

It is lived,

In a series of moments,

Where fate, chance, destiny and serendipity open doors,

Where they do not exist and we must choose,

CHOOSE,

Whether we realize the falseness of the opening,

Is the very proof that they exist…

 

Open this door,

Walk through it,

Open me,

Crazy as it seems,

Crazy as it is,

Crazy as I am,

Walk through it,

Walk to me,

Walk with me,

As your eyes and smile already have,

Each time we coyly meet inside a secret garden,

To which only we have access,

For the now,

And when we can together expose,

What the world already knows,

Inside these words,

To see with their eyes,

L O V E,

Will manifest,

In ever new and wondrous ways;

For you,

For me,

For us,

Exposed,

Naked and restless,

Listless and wanting of nothing,

Save another moment with you.

 

For every moment that passes,

That you are not with me,

Is like a lifetime lived without the very essence of truth,

Your spirit,

Kissing mine,

Embracing the darkness that is so rich,

Claiming false the necessity of my brooding ways,

Hearing too the realities of my barking bitch,

This Black Dog,

Proving it,

With a tenderness that reveals all I could be,

(all I am)

If I just got out of my own way,

Allowing you to break the well crafted walls I have erected,

Protected,

From the anguish of ripe cancellation,

Save but three times,

Fearing the worst both in myself,

And the abandonment that follows,

Knowing the pain of separation as only I can,

For I have been separated,

I and I and I,

Now uncovering layers like an onion,

Forcing me to cry,

Not tears of sorrow,

Instead of joy.

 

For tomorrow I will see you,

Surreptitiously,

As this world wonders,

Why I beam

And you glow,

All the while we,

And we alone know,

The answer to the question we’ve both asked since our youth,

Swinging from the branches of the tree of life,

Ending years of strife,

Beginning anew,

Beginning with you,

Knowing it’s true, I can’t fight,

This way,

We feel inside,

I am yours

And you,

You are mine,

Adored,

Ever more,

Agape love.

SDM

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A Love Letter (With All My Heart, Mind, Body and Soul)

 

All My Heart (A Love Letter to Someone Special)

My Love, My Monkey;

Since my birth I have dreamt of your arrival. A loving boy who always knew that you would arrive. I did not know where or when, how or why, but I knew, steadfastly, that you would arrive.

And here you are, arrived on gilded chariots  from parts unknown though I suspect you are heaven sent. I suspect that you were made for me and I was made for you – soul mates in the universal sense of the word in that our energies have brought us together in this place and at this time.

The moment I laid eyes on you my soul was set ablaze by your resplendent beauty and I am not speaking of your hair or your eyes, though wondrously beautiful, I am not speaking of your bosom or your bottom, though also spectacular, I speak of course, of your spiritual beauty. The parts that none sees and certainly can not necessarily understand. I did, in an instant. It was unmistakable the moment I saw it – And in that moment I became yours – completely, without question or reservation. Unequivocally yours ever more.

Your divine spirit and profound energy lift me to a place that I have never been, to a place I had imagined existed though only found in you. They inspire me to reach for the furthest advances of our universe to taking you to a place that you have never been. A place that I have never been.  A place we now get to discover together and what a gift that is. I am humbled by your presence in my life and feel that I have won the universal love prize – You! Are you truly mine?

They say; “Home is where the heart is,” and I have never truly known a home. Until now! Until here! Until you! Taking time to discover our universal creation of this eternal bliss…

In you I have found a place that I can and will call home and like a giddy school child I am excited to understand the recesses of you. I am ready to play emotional tag learning the ins and outs of you completely. I am ready, willing and able to be the father of your children and know that they will be the most beautiful expression of the love we share. The embodiment of our love for all the world to see. No longer repressed or hidden, instead, shining, like the sun in day and the stars at night.

Your smile could light up a black hole and every room you enter it is your smile that is the tractor beam of everyone’s attention. The way you giggle with delight at the simplest of things tickles my soul as only a muse can and you most assuredly are my muse.

My muse, I heard once the most beautiful statement and I include it here for it is truly how I feel. Beethoven wrote to an unknown lover and started each letter with My Immortal Beloved and for me you have become just that, My Immortal Beloved.

You are the air that I breathe, the blood rushing through my veins, you are the center of my universe and I aspire to be everything and more that you desire. I beseech you, My Immortal Beloved, dance this dance with me to infinity, that we may know love in ways we never imagined. In ways the world has never witnessed. Together becoming a new meaning for the word – Love.

Dance with me to the sweet surrender. Dance with me to the end of time. Dance with me my muse into the many tomorrows we will share and let us together find the ultimate pleasure of agape love each morning anew as we awake in each others arms. Together confidant in the knowledge that I was born and made for you and you were born and made for me.

Having fallen seven times figuratively, I get up eight, literally, for you;

My Immortal Believed, I am yours evermore,

 

Sender

 

 

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Dead POETS…

I awoke from a terrible dream,
A horrible fright that I will never escape,
I was subject to the Spanish Inquisition,
On trial for doing what I do best,
Writing,
They proclaimed that I was a blasphemer,
Because I question the laws of nature,
As professed by “their God”.

As I sat,
Listening to witness testimony,
That was more creative than anything I could ever produce,
Or have ever written,
I became mortified by the prospect,
That my life,
Will be cut short,
For reasons not unlike the Salem Witch trials,
For something over which I have no control,
This went on for hours,
And each testimonial seemed destined to send me to the afterlife,
At least I knew that Virgil and Dante would be there waiting for me,
I wondered who else might be there,
All the while thinking;
“And yet it moves.”
No inhibition when battling inferior minds,
Inferior conventions!

Asked to stand before the kangaroo court,
The show trial of the millennia,
I refused to obey,
For I did not concede that they held dominion over me,
(My body perhaps but not my spirit)
Clearly my mission was one of refuting what was already widely seen as irrational,
“Do you accept our God?”
I did not answer,
Asked again moments later, I still did not move an inch,
Nor say a word.

It was here that the dream took a menacing turn,
Testimonials complete,
It was time for sentencing,
Though there was never a doubt in my mind as to the sentence,
Again,
I was asked to stand before the court,
And before God,
And still I refused,
“For your insolence and ignorance,
For your continued blasphemy and clear lunacy…”

The next sentence came in fast forward;

“You are sentenced to death in the most painful way possible,
You will suffer for your sins,
You will suffer for your indignation.”

I started to laugh as I sat in direct defiance of the supposed,
Godly men that sat before me,
Thinking to myself,
These are the emissaries of God on earth,
God help us all.

Only a few days went by,
Before I was called to my fate,
The purging of a mind that shirks convention,
Bound and shackled,
I was led to an awaiting crowd,
Overflowing and teeming masses,
Huddled to watch my death,
The Scarlet genius’ sitting perched over them,
I was tied down to a stone tablet,
Instruments of torture used upon my flesh,
Though I did not bleed,
Only words flowed out of my body,
With each gash asked if there was anything I would like to confess,
My confessions floating freely from my spirit,
Dangling over the supposedly divine personages,
My essence,
Words,
Continued to flow,
Endlessly,
More gashes,
More words,
More words,
More gashes,
Until finally,
I woke up…

With the following in my head;

“Neck laudas nisi mortuos poetas: tanti non est, ut placeam, perire”
Meaning…” If only dead poets are praised, I’d rather go unsung”

These words,
Flowing…

SDM

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Numinous Revelations

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBh3ZWoDzuo

I feel the benevolent flowing through my veins,
I mean sincerely to suggest that I am,
No longer filled with blood,
I am nothing but words,
Stanza after stanza,
Comma after comma,
Flushed through my being,
As water finds the path of least resistance…

And I wonder do you feel the same,
Do you feel like I do,
That the benevolent flows through you?
May I flow through you?
May I flow,
Like liquid gold,
Into the many crevices of you,
Creating an idol of our mutual consent,
An idol of required emotion,
And furious passion,
My loins yearn for you,
As does my amygdala,
Comma after comma…

I feel the benevolent flowing through me,
My limbs alive with words like;

Magnanimous
Fruitless
Penniless
Pauper
Fool…

Am I a fool?

Negligent in the way that I propose these commas,
Do you understand?
Can you?
Will you… Let me be for you,
What you have always dreamed,
Surely you have dreamed,
And did not yet know… it is I and I and I,
Let me be for you,
The glue that holds your sanity shredded together,
Let me be for you,
Madonna and Whore,
Muse and Siren,

GRACE.

Understood through transient glimpses,
Those unlock your soul,
And let me dangle…

Am I a fool?
May I be your fool…

I long to be your monkey… 5 words at a time.

Do I drip with sarcasm,
That needs to be wiped from my lips,
As love has been from my life,
Do I ooze sardonicism,
In this prolific unraveling,
Of all that is me,
Because of the benevolent,
Is it my fault?
It has to be my fault!

It is my fault… drip, drip, drip…

I’m coming for you,
Will you come for me…

Drip, drip, drip…

I feel the benevolent flowing through my veins,
No wonder that I am fragmented,
Torn and tormented,
Tortured and surrendering,
As the power of the prismatic glory,
Drenches out from my pores,
Into your consciousness,
I and I and I intoxicated,
By the very promise and possibility of you,
The promise,
Love unyielding,
The possibility daily conveyed,
These words do touch you,
As I and I and I,
Unsure,
Though I know,
The benevolent commands it…

Here I come…

Drip, drip, drip…

It is my fault!

Though the benevolent among you,
Correct me,
Embrace me,
Envelop me,
You turn me on…

Correct I and I and I,
Feel the power,
The numinous realizations,
Of an empathy,
Unraveled,

It is my fault…

Will you still love me?

SDM

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Challenging Contradictions

Challenging contradictions,
Juxtapositions and superstitions,
How can one love so much,
And in the same neuron firing incident,
Find a nagging pain that tears at the soul,
Tears streaming down a face,
Hardened by a life of a desire,
Forged by a life of challenge,
Drawn and withdrawn,
Laying on a bed of discontent,
Seeking to understand the unfathomable,
Seeking the address that which is beyond,
Redress,
Love falls to the way side,
And yet filters back up through the proverbial spring of life,
Every thought one has of the yearned for prize,
Requited love,
Kisses that flow like the tides,
Touches that burn like the sun,
Love,
Sweet and gentle love,
Wildly passionate and throbbing love,
Why,
O why,
Must you be so transient?
Must you abandon?
Must you die?
As Hemingway said;
“True love can never end happily,”
Sentiments that resonate with every fiber of a lovers being,
For the choices are stark,
Your lover may die,
Or your lover may fade into retraction,
Either way,
Losing,
A waterfall of treacherously maligned emotions,
The once soothing and succulent advance,
Of love,
Sugary like toffee,
Sticking to your insides,
As you lick your fingers,
Trying to get every last bit of goodness,
Only to discover,
That a once dream like fantasy,
Is now the war of the roses?
Minus the war,
And minus the roses,
A stalemate,
Though not peace,
Where art thou Lady Justice in love?
The once greatest success of the soul,
Now the tortured failure of living each day,
Alone,
Without you,
Love.

SDM

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Smitten

Smitten,
As I am,
I would like to dress up,
In your essence,
So that I may better understand you,
As the intrigue of something new and wonderful,
Reveals that the human heart,
My heart,
Is consistent in its capacity for healing.

Smitten,
As I am,
Will you let me,
Dine at the table of your elegance,
Surely a banquet beyond words,
So that I may become a better man,
For you,
Your delectable poise as dessert,
Yours,
May I dine,
With you?

Smitten,
As I am,
I would like to understand the worst of you,
As you do me,
Your darkest secrets,
So that I can have a deeper appreciation,
Of all that is wondrous,
All that attracts me to you,
Cultivate together our intellects,
So that I may have daily enticements,
WE may have them,
Conversations as easy as breathing,
And just as delightful as making love,
If not more so.

Smitten,
As I am,
My mind is like gibberish,
Searching for the perfect expression,
Of how you make me smile,
The very thought of you,
Your smile,
Your voice,
Your scent,
Make me once again dream,
Of the next time I get to hold you dear,
Near perfection,
Imperfectly.

Smitten,
As I am.

SDM

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