Tag Archives: emotions

Humbled (And Smitten)

Finally,

After all this time,

All this loss,

Peril, now seemingly, for the moment,

The wind in my sails,

Behind me,

Pushing me forward,

Coming into my own,

Finding again that infectious laugh,

And all I had to do – was give in,

Which is not remotely the same as giving up…

 

By giving in I discovered,

That the parts of me that are broken,

I and I and I,

Are merely callings to reassemble?

 

I and I and I…

 

The jigsaw of my reality,

For a quarter century or more,

Giving in,

I found,

Who my real friends are,

Cherished,

The ones that stood by me,

And continue to stand by me,

When I am down,

Feeding me with endless nourishment,

Of wisdom, enthusiasm, a gentle caress,

Of your many spirits,

Dancing like a kite,

Free to fly,

To explore,

Roaming together in the uncertainty,

For life has no instruction manual,

And arriving,

At what was always there,

Just deep inside…

 

Hiding behind shadows lurking,

Longing for a home to call my own,

Not the building,

But a true home, internal,

Safe,

Free from the outside world,

From my own skeletons,

Demons and Black Dog…

 

Finally,

Letting go,

Surrendering,

I have discovered,

That the parts of I and I and I,

Those for so long been counted as unconquerable,

Were merely signposts on the journey of life?

The I that desires to serve,

The I that desires to love,

The I that desires to be loved,

For I and I and I,

Find my totality there…

 

And this life is a journey,

Each day a new step towards the new,

N E X T,

Beauty at every step,

Even in the greatest darkness,

That at one time either too blind or too ignorant,

I could not or would not,

Engage,

NO more,

Not here, nor now…

 

Today I stand up,

I will be heard,

I will be counted,

I will seek and find without looking for it,

My greatest treasure,

I will celebrate the totality of who I am,

And in so doing,

Gain insight into what it means to truly live,

And my friends,

My real friends,

Stand by my side,

At the ready,

To, if necessary, again,

Pick me up,

Deliver me the tools for my own reassembling,

And I am humbled by it,

For as tears of joy,

Stream down my face,

Calling out to the Ether,

I know, that I am close,

And I can feel,

These emotions raw,

The immersion of the new,

Tempered by the wisdom of holding fast and true,

Waiting,

That I may use them,

To propel me forward,

To the place we all know I should be,

Humbled,

Grateful,

And aware,

I celebrate each of you,

You know who you are,

For causing me to realize,

That my passage had to include this moment,

All of them,

Desperate,

To reignite that passion that burns so brightly inside of me,

One that now awakens like a sleeping giant,

Though still contained, for the moment on B612…

 

My only hope,

Is that I too,

May repay your generosity of spirit,

By being who I am,

And returning to you,

The same generosity,

When you are at your lowest – or whenever you require,

Help you discover that you are a diamond in the rough,

Not a rough diamond,

An innate beauty that glimmers within you,

Your eyes shining,

Your smile gleaming,

Your soul teaming with the life you desire,

I hope,

I can help you see,

What so many have helped me to see.

 

I stand before you anew,

Understanding how far I’ve come,

And how far I still must go,

But I draw strength from you,

The royal you,

Demonstrated here,

With humble thanks,

These words are all I can give,

And all my heart, mind, body and soul,

For all of you have given me permission,

To soar,

And again I will thrive.

 

SDM

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Continuum of I

escher stars

Now left to consider,

A future bare,

My mind a shell fragment,

That currently winds its way,

Most painfully,

Through every part of my being,

Like an Escher of an Escher of an Escher,

A life once realized,

Once promised;

 

Is the failure of everything?

At least for I and I and I…

 

If there were justice,

No man or woman would have to surrender these feelings,

The unrequited and unrelenting tumult,

That rips through the very texture of space and time,

As the realm of the possible,

Has become a bleak future,

An emotional capitulation that surely will force me,

To the brink of the universe,

In an act of conditional surrender,

To momentary truth,

I am standing proud,

Not of all I’ve done,

But certainly of my conduct at present,

As I try to make it easier for you,

Knowing that I owe you,

My strength right now,

So reliant on you,

I wonder how,

When I have searched the seven seas,

Travelled billions of miles to find you,

Now seeming poised to spread your wings and fly away,

From our love banquet,

That now seems like a bestial abandonment,

Loosing the only person that has kept me alive,

Of course there is always the future,

And the reconciliation of love lost,

Though that knowledge,

Cold comfort,

As my manifest destiny,

Is revealed to be,

A lifetime of pain.

 

Your freedom assured,

At least in the physical world,

Your emotional survival too,

Assured,

As this is of your design,

Of your making,

And,

As I always have,

I stand with you,

Despite the difficulty in doing so –

 

Making decisions,

Life affecting and altering decisions,

Forcing me to the edge of reason,

Where my demons preside,

As they have for twenty years,

Old wounds again become new,

Teetering on the razor thin line of my convictions,

Compromised,

For the greater good,

For your greater good,

Seemingly for us;

 

Dangerous considerations,

When I gave up the very treasure I long for most in this world,

Now deserted by choice,

With festering deliberations,

That linger,

Filtering through every part of me,

Wounded pride will heal,

Though this apparent demise,

Was not just the absconding of words held only to myself,

All these years,

It was I and I and I’s doppelganger,

The gang inside my head,

As the vicious screams begin anew…

 

Perhaps,

Someday,

The pain and sacrifice will make sense,

Revealing some uncharted fate,

Yet unfulfilled,

Necessitating,

Love will return,

Though for me,

It will never go away.

 

SDM

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The Bittersweet

The bittersweet,
Less chocolate,
More, irony,
As with the ascent of emotions true,
So too rises the wave of my Black Dog’s howl,
Like a wolves cry on a full moon night,
Calling out something unknown,
All the while feeling the awkward presence,
Of something as yet understood,
Bittersweet,
The air is thick with the sweat of high stakes poker,
Though there is no tell that can reveal,
What we both know,
We both feel,
We both show our hands,
Though close to our chest they be,
Calling out to each other,
Known,
As I have called so many times to the Ether,
Argued with Hemingway and Picasso,
Flirted with the danger of Zelda,
As I reconsider who and what I am,
On a light cast,
Lingering,
Like the memory of your luminous smile,
Tongue in cheek,
Keeping me going through the days,
Past, present and future,
As a new era nears,
With the passing of time,
That I can finally unleash the hound,
Let loose the ills that have plagued me,
Plunging intensely into wave after wave of your hugs,
Relieving myself of the delicious torment,
That has haunted me all my life,
Strife,
Abandonment,
Loss,
Struggle,
Battle after battle,
Inner destruction,
Outer costumes, one after another,
To hide the true nature of my character,
Hoping that none could see,
But they do,
You do,
As now I press further,
No longer filled with a wanderlust,
But instead satisfied,
With initial surrender,
Complete,
For you,
For me,
For us,
As I believe I know where this yellow brick road goes,
And I will follow,
If you will lead,
I will lead if you need follow,
For in your gaze,
I find,
Myself revealed to myself,
I and I and I wondering if perhaps, this time,
It may be… different,
Here and now,
Instead of there and then,
No longer trapped by the shadow cast,
By a past I can not change,
That I must embrace, face and comprehend,
If I am to arrive at destination me,
With journey you,
Will you journey with me,
Hand in hand,
To another place,
That only we shall know,
Together at last,
Let’s us walk slowly,
Purposefully, with grace and delight,
Marching toward an endless night,
Howling like new lovers,
At our moon,
Swimming in our sea,
Tranquility,
As the ladies of night,
Destiny, Fate and Serendipity cry tears of joy,
As they only do,
With love found,
Like this love, perhaps
Between girl and boy?

Like it’s the first day of my life…

SDM

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But The Divine

There is no love,

There is nothing,
But the divine,
And you are;

Divine;

This is our time,

ours,

now,

“You’d be surprised girl…”

The puzzling and incomprehensible,
The great enchantment of conviction,
Without definition,
Fleeting and without standard,
As unique as those who experience it full,
Conceptions, notions,
Real understanding;
There is no love but love,
But love,
Divine,
You!

There is no love,
Other than built on solid foundations,
Trust, understanding, compassion, passion and light,
Strong virtues,
Those are not after thoughts,
Or thoughts at all,
But the actions taken,
In the daily affirmations,
Built on leaps of faith;

And I am,

Leaping;

The mysterious unknown,
That captures physiology,
Chemistry, biology and evolution,
Purpose built,
And neuron driven,
To pheromone realizations,
Those enchant, entice and enthrall,
Love,
Do or do not,
No try.

But the divine,
There is no love,
An ever-growing cascade of tides,
That ebb and flow,
Yet the undercurrent is always there,
Threatening the riptide of emotional tumult,
Lives promised,
When instead it should be life promised;

So long as it is affirmed and uplifted,
My life,
As a leap of faith,
Is yours,
And I have known great jumps,
With no safety net,
Those that have led me to here,
To now,
To you.

But the divinity that I seek,
Is yet at the altar of my existence,
Struggles to define and design my life,
On my terms,
Burdened by my black dog,
Depressions curse,
Though I pray intently and intending,
That love,
Divine,
Will again light my way,
Love and only love.

There is no love,
Where one solely believes,
Without equivocation,
For what is life but a series of compromises,
A lesson learned,
Through heartfelt painful exuberances,
In the loss of self,
I,
Now I and I and I,
Fighting for a destiny I have known,
Manifest,
Since the moment of my birth,
And I will fight,
For you,
For me,
For us.

Now certain that love,
Divine,
Is one, which only the Muses will reveal,
As before has been true,
Divine,
I will bow at the altar of you,
Praising what I know is true,
For I feel your power,
Intense and increasing,
Zeal,
For each other,
And the life we sought,
Now found,
In your eyes,
The prize,
The life we’re living.

As I stand before you,
Imperfect,
Flawed,
Broken,
Battered,
Cracked,
Torn,
Scratched,
HUMAN,
Searching the ethos of my tempestuous entitlements,
Ill deserved,
Divine love,
Agape,
Ambrosia fueled and sound,
Perfectly imperfect,
No love can escape this crown of thorns,
As taken from roses,
Especially,
Love divine.

Shall this fool,
Find divine,
Once again,
The faith,
To love,
You,
For surely I do,
Studied apprehension giving way,
To storied ascension,
As I ascend you,
To that glorious promise,
Of today,
Tomorrow and the next day,
Evermore found,
In the shadow of your smile,
Illuminated by your soul,
Destined to know,
Our quiet secret,
Bequeathed,
Evermore!

SDM

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The Very Nearness of You!

The very nearness of you,

Knowledge of you,

That you are not a distant dream,

But instead a reality pulled,

Defies the gravitational force of light,

Love,

Slapping Newton squarely in the jaw,

Escaping  the undeniable,

Avoiding the inevitable,

As the black hole of a certain past,

Gives way to the dark matter,

Of our illuminated path,

And new each day as we discover,

The reasons we have to love each other,

Feelings, emotions and treasured desires,

Logic choking my lungs,

Asphyxiating all the reasons against,

Fueling all the reasons for,

For there is no reason,

Is there?

 

Save that there is…

 

More than one…

 

For this life is not a game,

Or a rehearsal,

It is lived,

In a series of moments,

Where fate, chance, destiny and serendipity open doors,

Where they do not exist and we must choose,

CHOOSE,

Whether we realize the falseness of the opening,

Is the very proof that they exist…

 

Open this door,

Walk through it,

Open me,

Crazy as it seems,

Crazy as it is,

Crazy as I am,

Walk through it,

Walk to me,

Walk with me,

As your eyes and smile already have,

Each time we coyly meet inside a secret garden,

To which only we have access,

For the now,

And when we can together expose,

What the world already knows,

Inside these words,

To see with their eyes,

L O V E,

Will manifest,

In ever new and wondrous ways;

For you,

For me,

For us,

Exposed,

Naked and restless,

Listless and wanting of nothing,

Save another moment with you.

 

For every moment that passes,

That you are not with me,

Is like a lifetime lived without the very essence of truth,

Your spirit,

Kissing mine,

Embracing the darkness that is so rich,

Claiming false the necessity of my brooding ways,

Hearing too the realities of my barking bitch,

This Black Dog,

Proving it,

With a tenderness that reveals all I could be,

(all I am)

If I just got out of my own way,

Allowing you to break the well crafted walls I have erected,

Protected,

From the anguish of ripe cancellation,

Save but three times,

Fearing the worst both in myself,

And the abandonment that follows,

Knowing the pain of separation as only I can,

For I have been separated,

I and I and I,

Now uncovering layers like an onion,

Forcing me to cry,

Not tears of sorrow,

Instead of joy.

 

For tomorrow I will see you,

Surreptitiously,

As this world wonders,

Why I beam

And you glow,

All the while we,

And we alone know,

The answer to the question we’ve both asked since our youth,

Swinging from the branches of the tree of life,

Ending years of strife,

Beginning anew,

Beginning with you,

Knowing it’s true, I can’t fight,

This way,

We feel inside,

I am yours

And you,

You are mine,

Adored,

Ever more,

Agape love.

SDM

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Challenging Contradictions

Challenging contradictions,
Juxtapositions and superstitions,
How can one love so much,
And in the same neuron firing incident,
Find a nagging pain that tears at the soul,
Tears streaming down a face,
Hardened by a life of a desire,
Forged by a life of challenge,
Drawn and withdrawn,
Laying on a bed of discontent,
Seeking to understand the unfathomable,
Seeking the address that which is beyond,
Redress,
Love falls to the way side,
And yet filters back up through the proverbial spring of life,
Every thought one has of the yearned for prize,
Requited love,
Kisses that flow like the tides,
Touches that burn like the sun,
Love,
Sweet and gentle love,
Wildly passionate and throbbing love,
Why,
O why,
Must you be so transient?
Must you abandon?
Must you die?
As Hemingway said;
“True love can never end happily,”
Sentiments that resonate with every fiber of a lovers being,
For the choices are stark,
Your lover may die,
Or your lover may fade into retraction,
Either way,
Losing,
A waterfall of treacherously maligned emotions,
The once soothing and succulent advance,
Of love,
Sugary like toffee,
Sticking to your insides,
As you lick your fingers,
Trying to get every last bit of goodness,
Only to discover,
That a once dream like fantasy,
Is now the war of the roses?
Minus the war,
And minus the roses,
A stalemate,
Though not peace,
Where art thou Lady Justice in love?
The once greatest success of the soul,
Now the tortured failure of living each day,
Alone,
Without you,
Love.

SDM

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My Resolve

The strength of my resolve,
Is tested every minute,
Of every day,
I have come to believe,
Through trials and tribulations,
That my destiny,
My place,
My throne,
Are these words.

I view the world with a healthy skepticism,
Tempered by a cynicism reserved for those that have grabbed life,
Eaten it whole,
Searching,
As I toiled for twenty two years,
Without knowing.

Pressing through the fog of insecurity,
To claim my rightful place,
A rich tapestry of wordsmiths the world over,
Each eyeing with the same questions, concerns and designs,
The lifelong pursuit of personal truth,
At once a happy and angry thought,
For that which we discover,
May not be what we had intended to find.

It is here,
At this realization,
That the untapped resources of my souls desires,
Mirror the strength of my resolve,
That I may be so fortunate,
As to know wealth beyond measure,
For truly what is life, this Warrior Poet’s life,
The search to touch another so deeply,
That they are moved to tears of joy or pain,
As so many appear to be by these words.

I am at once with these words,
Master and slave,
Reaching inside my cavernous experiences,
To hopefully allow you to see my humanity,
That now demonstrates here with a brash humility,
That you may find your own truth,
Through my own,
Kicking down the proverbial doors that prevent my own advance,
Breaking my foot more than once or twice,
The nosy neighbor of my own emotions,
Seeking to discover and uncover more than my truth.

Perhaps, hopefully, a universal truth,
That transcends words and language,
Sitting on my stool,
Projecting myself light years away,
Discovering the brightness of my own life,
My own experience,
Hopefully shining a light that you can see,
Me,
All of me,
For all of you,
What is a writer to do?
What shall a Warrior Poet be?

All I have are these words,
And these words have all of me.

SDM

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