Tag Archives: live



Detained by my own self loathing,

I could not see past the mask that I had assembled,

Equal measure,

Comedy and tragedy,

The story of my life played out on multiple stages,

And in multiple dimensions,

Partially as defense mechanism,

Partially as undeniable stupidity,

For this open book that is my life,

Need not be censored,

Need not be less than what it is,

For you who stand in judgment of me,

Should, as Bob Marley says;

“Judge not, before you judge yourself,”

Acutely aware of my many faults,

Including things that you may not view as blunder,

I stand ready to embrace them,

And if you can not,

Then I must say unto you,

On your merry way,

Trot out of my life,

Like an unbridled and wild horse,

For you will never understand me,

You can never know me,

I am built on Shakespeare’s fatal flaws,

Shakespeare’s fatal flaws a guide map to the stage direction I call life,

And where you see weakness,

I find an ocean of strength,

I find a determined will,

To live,

To be,

To become,

I find virtue (and a little vice),

That now brings me to this,

A manifesto of my own accord,

A new manifesto,

A new life,

My design,

As intrigued by destiny and fate,

As determined by hard work,

Book ended by two parts of myself,


Sweet and innocent me (sweet yes, innocent, Judge not)

And then,

The darker,

More Mr. Hyde part of myself,

The voices of my past and present,

And the literary giants of infamy,

Hemingway; “Write drunk, edit sober” Key word; “Drink!”

Calling me to action,

Beyond my fatal flaws,

In spite of them,

Revealing all of me,


Without censor,

Without fear,

Without worry,

For I am,


and I am,


Faulty and flawless,

For me,

For you,

For us!



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Primordial Breakthrough




The first breakthrough,
At first,
Seemed more like a break,
From reality,
From the world,
From my love,
From these words,
The Ether delivering me devils and demons,
My sleep, skeletons and ghosts,
Of an imagined past and a deadly reality,
The nervous tension of my wounded pride,
Awoke the sleeping giant,
This giant,
Warrior Poet,
Though not yet a man,
I had to learn again how to wiggle, crawl, walk;

This was only the beginning of a wayfaring journey,
No destination detected our sought,
A journey, endless,
For as I started wiggling,
I felt the urge to crawl,
One I started crawling,
I was overcome by the desire to walk,
But after that,
Then what…

With invisible scars that none can operate on,
Save me,
Save me!

The second breakthrough,
Heart wrenching,
Soul piercing,
Shock and awe,
My system,
I was no longer able to walk, wiggle or crawl,
For I could not move,
I could not leave the couch,
Helpless yet helping myself,
Captured in the black hole of my mind,
There was no escape,
Dogs barking,
Depression, hallucinations, delusions,
Fearful creeping lightless thoughts;

My words my only salvation,
And even they seemed determined to fail me,
To destroy me,
Yet after that,
Then what…

The third breakthrough,
Gaining insight into my fractured psyche,
With the aid of therapy and pills,
Learning how to wiggle,
Oh, how uncomfortable it was,
Then longing to crawl,
It felt a little better but still uncertain,
Then panging to walk,
But only for a moment,
For now I am in the pursuit of running,
Left foot,
Right foot,
Left hemisphere,
Right hemisphere,
All at once the sum and the whole of my parts,
Fragmented though they may be,
But then what…

The fourth breakthrough,
My flaws are no better nor worse than your own,
My mental condition may or may not be better than yours,
Life is life,
And if I ever gave into the darker sides of me,
Those that ask me to do things that need not be done,
Should never be done…

So day after day,

As I journey to gain a few steps closer,
To the me that I have always been,
I realize,
My personal primordial fog lifted,
It is the simplest atoms in me that are askew,
It is the living chemistry of this troubled mind,
That though dark and dangerous,
Keeps me marching toward…

Another breakthrough,

That I may one day know,
I have survived and thrived,
Pressed on where others may have fallen,
Given into the dark urges,
The silent demons that you can’t hear,
But deafen those of us afflicted,
Given up on the pharmaceutical nightmare,
The zombie nature of my life,
Giving way, once more,
To self medication and an abiding dedication,

I have;

Gotten up when kicked,
And down when beckoned by my Black Dog,
That each day offers the opportunity of challenge,
That each challenge is the building block of opportunity,
And if ever,
However this breakthrough comes,
I wonder if it will finally be that unattainable,
As it would seem it has,
Though I search,
For that which escapes me; the,

Perfect sentence,
From this tormented oscillation,
Down and up,
Up and down,
Victim and victimizer,
Student and teacher,
Sage and village idiot,
I feel it coming,
I feel it,
All my life,
And there is nothing I can do;

I have been waiting,
All my life,
All my life,
To discover that I must press on,
All I can do is;

In wait!


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