Tag Archives: Love

A Woefully Inadequate Letter to My Unborn Child

 

First and foremost, you need to know, YOU, in all your majesty and wonder were born of a rarified love.

 

Your Mother is a unique gem in the universe and you should thank your lucky stars every day that she gave birth to you. Through, with and by her you have won the lottery of birth and I genuinely hope that you appreciate that fact every day.

 

Your Sister is the embodiment of all that is great about your Mother. She is kind, caring, considerate, intelligent, hard working and beautiful. Someday you will realize the truth of these words.

 

Your Father, ME, pops, papa, dada whatever you want to call me. I am an opened can of worms who through your grace seeks to be a better man every day. You do indeed make me a better man and I strive to live up to that all important title; Father.

Your family spans the earth and you will meet them all in due course.

That being said there are a few things as we approach the day of your birth I want to let you know that I will demonstrate for you everyday in every possible way. So without further adieu, here we go;

 

Love is the most important thing in the world. The unbridled love and bond between family is indeed thicker than water and you should always remember that love is ALWAYS the answer and is ALL you need.

 

You are being brought into a world in turmoil. This fact will present itself to you in any number of ways on an omnipresent basis. There are countless though not insurmountable problems that face our planet those in turn mean that you must face. There are wars, droughts, famines, fires, sycophants and psychopaths and every scary thing that you are not yet able to imagine.

YET, and I mean this in every possible way; despite and in spite of the challenges that our species face you are being brought into a world of wonder and delight. With every sense you will feel the truth of this sentiment. You have a heart that pumps blood, a built in waste management system, lungs that process oxygen; capacities that so few people consider although you MUST.

 

For in these overlooked capacities lay the wonder of life. You have the ability to breathe, see, smell, touch, taste and hear and these are monumentally fantastic sensations. You have been given the blessed ability to think and oh how do I believe you will think (not like your crazy father but hopefully a little). Let’s hope you get your mothers brains and my looks.

 

As great as senses are you have been given the most powerful gift and weapon between those beautiful ears of yours, a brain, in which resides an invisible yet indomitably obvious treasure, a MIND. With this invisible promise of endless possibilities lay your ability to imagine, dream and explore every corner of thought. With this mystically beautiful tool you will fathom the understood and the misunderstood and you MUST NEVER allow someone to make your mind up for you. Entertain all thoughts. Entertain your mind and make it an endless revolution from which springs forth the ultimate blessing that you are. There is no greater entertainment, NONE, greater than that fantastically powerful tool, your mind. USE IT! Beat it, cajole it, caress it, ENTERTAIN IT. You’ll love me one day for these words.

 

You were conceived of love and your mission in this world is to repay that love with kindness, compassion, honesty, integrity, loyalty and service toward the betterment of our species.

 

There is no such thing as a bad thought, only bad actions. You will have bad thoughts just don’t act on them.

 

Do not kill although for me there are caveats to this.

Do not steal although there are caveats such as hunger.

Try not to lie.

Do not hurt people as much as possible.

 

The rest is up for grabs, truly.

HOWEVER you and YOU alone are the master of your destiny. You are not alone and never will be, WE will always be here for you, in good, bad and neutral BUT you must make your own choices and as much as possible choose wisely. If you don’t know ASK it is the greatest tool you have, the ability to say; I don’t know.

 

FACE in the context of the society in which you are being born is BULLSHIT. Respect is not. Honour your elders and your life.

 

YOU have been imbued with intelligence and intellect, emotional capacity, grace and beauty. It is YOUR duty to your family and YOURSELF to be the best version of you that you can be. It will not be EASY. It will not always be fun. But that, first and foremost is your duty. You have choices, you ALWAYS have choices, even when it seems dim and impossible, there is always a choice and they are yours to make. We can guide you toward the light but not necessarily keep you from the dark. We will make every effort as a family to support you, imbue in you the necessary skills for survival in a harsh world but the ultimate choice is yours, only yours.

 

Life does not come with an instruction manual AND even if it did I would not give it to you. Not out of malice but out of a genuine and incomparable love that you will only understand when you have a child of your own.

 

Sometimes it’s a bad day and you need to say FUCK IT.

 

Human beings, your mother, sister and I are not and NEVER will be perfect.

 

We are however perfectly imperfect or imperfectly perfect.

 

I am going to mess up more times than I care to admit in your life and indeed my own as my life has already shown me.

 

We all make mistakes, ALL of us make mistakes. The key to those mistakes is to learn from them. As you will soon be able to recognize I have a mathematical equation on my right arm the same colour as my eyes… e=mc2 .

 

I put it there because of it’s relevance to the power of thought and Einstein, the genius who created this equation said; “”Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” My beautiful child you will make mistakes, grand mistakes, enormous and sometimes life changing mistakes. Learn from them, internalize, analyze, explore and understand those mistakes –we only GROW, spiritually, mentally and consequentially through the mistakes we make. ALTHOUGH do not allow your mistakes to haunt you, control you or dismay you. Someday I will tell you the monumental mistakes I made that led me to your truly awe inspiring creation and you will see all mistakes are guideposts on the road of life AND more often than not you should take the road less travelled.

 

Try EVERYTHING once with only one caveat; if it hurts another human being I cannot command you not to do it but I can beseech you not to.

 

DON’T be an asshole, EVER. Even to jerks, miscreants, neurotics and narcissists. It is so much better to kill people with kindness, goodness, generosity of wealth and spirit.

 

Try food, experiences, do things that frighten you and make you uncomfortable. Be scared but not afraid. Be bold but not stupid. Collect memories not things although this very sick civilization you are being brought into will attempt to make you do the opposite. GO AGAINST THE GRAIN.

 

Stand out, you were born to be nothing less than FABULOUS and you are indeed just that. Live up to that truth. While it will be amazingly difficult to live up to that you need to recognize that you are not a clone, you are not a lemming, you are a unique and resplendent individual. Just because everyone else is doing it does not mean that you should. STAND up and be COUNTED. Make waves and if necessary tsunamis. Do no remain silent when injustice is being committed no matter the personal cost. Remain vigilant to the virtues that brought you into this world and the world and YOU will be better for it.

Play in the dirt. Ask questions like why is the sky blue! Ask all questions because there are no stupid questions only stupid answers. Love animals. Hug trees. Climb Trees. Stop to smell flowers. Acknowledge people on the street. Play good natured tricks on people. Know that there is no limit to what you can do, not the stars, not the laws of gravity, not your mother nor I, society, science, people; NONE; your only, ONLY, ONLY, limitation in the vastness of this universe is your own imagination. You can and will be ANYTHING you want, ANYTHING; so choose wisely. For the choice is yours. BE GREAT, that’s why you were born to BE GREAT. Though, remember fucking up can be a choice and sometimes it is the best choice.

 

Say YES but also know when to say NO. Sometimes you won’t know just remember this as a guideline, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Life is NOT easy NOR should it be. All the best things in life are hard, require work, effort and passion. DON’T give up, DON’T give in, DON’T compromise your values and principles unless through personal growth you realize YOU were wrong. Move powerfully passed the temptation to live or revel in the past.

People are motivated by their own interests and instincts but are easily manipulated by forces that are both easy and difficult to explain. When you are older I will seek to address these truths with you.

 

People are as varied as there are colours you can see, sounds you can hear, smells you can smell, tastes you can taste and feelings you can feel. Seek out and keep near you GOOD PEOPLE. They are easy to know but not find. See through the blustery lens of other peoples opinions and look for the genuine goodness in peoples hearts. Jai Di!

 

Not their words, for words in the minds of the uninitiated are poor markers due to the fact that every one can use them but not understand them. Observe and pay attention to actions – for those ACTIONS are the true diamond in the rough of our existence.

 

Do not engage in petty gossip or conversation. I don’t mean small talk, rather like Eleanor Roosevelt said; “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

 

NEVER let truth hurt you. The truth, THE truth is subjective not objective. FACTS, genuine facts, are objective while the truth is not. The truth is an ugly manifestation of an agenda that is rarely if ever readily apparent let alone centuries on. However, if the truth is starring you in the face, stare back and critically explore it. You are the master of your own personal truth and it will be a tricky, slippery and difficult slope – Don’t lie to yourself.

 

Do not hate people. Hate ideas. Frederick Douglass once said; “Let no man pull you so low as to hate him.” Hate is a basest non thinking response to ignorance. Do not be ignorant. Be informed. There is a great line that has stuck with me since I first heard it; “We salute the rank, not the man.” There is inherent goodness in everyone. Find that, celebrate it, honour it and believe me this will be difficult at times.

 

LIFE is not FAIR. It never has been and it never will be. Do not expect it to be. In fact do not expect as that is the root cause of disappointment. You will be challenged, aggrieved, lose and be cheated. Prepare yourself for this and know that no matter what you think, believe or know there will always be those that get ahead, do better, go further, faster, stronger due to circumstances beyond both their and your control. Life is not FAIR and this reality will be ever present in your life. YOU however can be fair, directed by principle and goodness – DO THIS and life will be as fair for you as is universally and according to KARMA possible. Remember KARMA is both a positive and negative force and it always comes back like a boomerang.

 

The television and indeed now the Internet have become bastions where truly the medium have become the message. The television is a one way medium, purpose built and designed to stupefy, to convince you to consume and to keep you from doing genuinely great things. Do not fall prey to this evil manipulative tool. The internet has such great promise, it is the great equalizer for all human knowledge. It is the reestablishment of the Library at Alexandria. HOWEVER, if you use it for cat memes and watching youtube videos of girls twerking you have been caught in the message of the medium. This is intentional, it is pervasive and it is evil. This is not to say that there is not enjoyment in these things BUT you must ensure that you do not allow as so many have to let these mediums hold dominion over you. Oscar Wilde stated that; “everything in moderation except moderation.” The internet and even the television have the power to educate, inspire and uplift and even to entertain, look for the first three and I promise you you will be entertained. DO GREAT THINGS. Be active not passive. Dance, Sing, Write, Create, Innovate – USE YOUR POWER.

 

KNOWLEDGE is power. In fact it is the only real power. People of ill intent will tell you money, gold or some other possession are power. They are not. Your intellect and the knowledge from which it stems are the ONLY REAL powers there are in this world. With KNOWLEDGE you can do anything you desire. YOU have the power WITHIN your mind. USE IT.

 

MONEY IS NOT REAL. It is a creation. Another evil manipulative tool used by powers so insidious and evil it will take decades for me to explain them to you. MONEY is a tool, a colourful piece of paper that by common delusion has taken on grandiose meanings in this world. Just like all human creations it can be undone by human actions and should be in your lifetime, perhaps your children. Do NOT, DO not, DO NOT pursue money – pursue passion and wealth beyond your wildest dreams will materialize not through magic but instead through hard work and dedication.

 

All present institutions that control our civilization are at their core EVIL. EVIL in that most, though not all, do not live up to the promise of their founding. The very notion that a corporation has the same rights as you but NONE of the responsibilities is morally and spiritually repugnant. Each of these insinuations praises their role but NONE, not one, appreciates that they are involved in an open slaughter of all species and a planet through a continued deleterious and usurious misreading of the man that codified the system. Collectivization of wealth will be the ultimate downfall and further – Earth is finite thus growth is finite which means the system although doing what it is deigned to do MUST fail. A house of cards, or one built on sand must inevitably fail.

I will openly admit to you here, I am not religious, nor is your Mother. Your sister believes in the Christian God due to a relationship with object permanence I can’t get into now. It is not my job to tell you what to believe but instead to introduce you to knowledge so that you can draw your own understanding. I have made no attempt to dissuade your sister nor will I or you.

 

My belief is based on what are currently believed to be the only objective truths; mathematics and science. I firmly believe that we are not alone in the universe and while religions will tell you that this is the proof of God I believe that the monotheists have been demonstrated wrong on countless levels. I can not due to my intellect say to you unequivocally that there is no God however I can tell you that it is statistically unlikely. Just as it is improbable we are alone in this vast, harsh and beautiful universe. I can point to any number of reasons that I object to the notion that we need a God or even why theists believe God to be great. For if we are in fact created in this Gods image – this god is vile, malevolent and wicked. All things we can explore as you grow – not to dissuade you but instead to show you another point of view.

 

You don’t require a god or a book to be your moral compass and if you do you should dig deep within and explore why you do. What need is being filled? What passion is being ignited? What question is truly being answered?

QUESTION EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. If an idea, thought or person cannot be questioned it is not worthy.

 

Remember good people show up. You will not have one hundred friends and you should consider yourself lucky if you have two.

 

This is woefully inadequate as a letter to you. I am woefully inadequate as a father but will do my best to ensure that no harm will come to you. I assure you that hell would be preferable to my wrath if someone were to hurt you, your sister or Mother. Your Uncles will also assure you of this fact in evidence. WE will be there for you in good times and bad. We will be there to pick you up and indeed pull you down at times. We will be there to scold you and praise you. WE WILL BE THERE.

I love you. WE love you. From the moment of your conception you were bathed in love. You will always be bathed in love and at times it will seem like that is not true. Believe me TOUGH LOVE is still love.

Woefully inadequate though this initial letter is, it is me, warts and all and I CAN’T WAIT TO MEET YOU face to face.

From all of me, with love, humbleness and honour,

Your (anxious, excited and nervous) FATHER,

Pa.

A.K.A. Sender D. MacLean

 

 

 

 

 

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Visions of Muses

 

From deep within the terrifying yet oft exhilarating infinite limits,

Limitless,

Of Escher labyrinths,

This lost and found boy;

 

A chosen light, stirred, awakened, ignited;

S C R eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee A M S upon shattered bone yards

Of rhetoric,

Meteoric echoes of a boy confined in a mans body;

Though not his own,

Not mine, not now, not ever;

I and I and I,

Beyond comprehension as

Concentric circles collide,

Like the infinite loops of the Typhon, reminiscent of oracles,

Delphic;

 

Non Omnis Moriar, Non Omnis Moriar,
Non,

Omnis,
Moriar.

 

Cerebus, as always,

Chuckles as Orthus orbits death,
“Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.””

 

Reluctantly as yet without possibility beyond the foretold,

Alpha to Omega , Beta to Theta,

Gamma and everything in between,

Immortality now, sound bytes at a time,

Selfies and facebook posts;

The rush of fools, errands, errant,

Living for the dying, despicable pawns, in a cosmic quandary,

Little boy lost,

Here;

Doing societal laundry.

Moriar,

Omnis,
Non,

Trailing backwards granted powers beyond omnipotence,

As strange fruit hangs from trees,

The hollowed out trunks of spirits subdued, blackened by soot,

While Mississippi burns and the ashes pure,

White like a forest of birch,

The touch of the divine.

 

Asphalts stained with progress and hotter than the sun,

Reveal devilish intents, malcontents and miscreants,

Pugilistic linguists portend of a cunning,

Whereby they knowingly, willingly, crazily,

Cut off their noses to spite their faces,

A pound of flesh no more nor less.

 

While Lamia plots her nine course meal,

Virgil awaits her intrigue,

Delectable feasts for the sins of the father

Are revisited on the kindred innocent,

With Harpies as footservants and wolves as maître ds’.

 

The Sirens call, serially,

Sailing me to the edges of a vile torment,

One that was created a moment before my consciousness,

Primordially secreted and passed on,

As I too have done; Realizing I am

Left in a rowboat,

Steering for the rocks,

Bubbling discontent like an effervescent pill,

Bitter,

Locked inside…

 

Then,

With a heralds cry,

Hark,

Love,

Like a resounding vision,

In words, deeds and sensational vibrations,

Draws me near,

Pulls me, all of me,

I and I and I from the gauntlet,

Embraces every atom of my being,

And in that instant I understand,

The universal discourse,

Treatise and song,

That brought me back from the edge,

Void of reason,

Want or desire,

Other than the pure radiance and resplendence,

Of an authentic life,

Lived genuinely,

Advancing,

Choosing now to actively avoid the prison of my emotional suicide,

Instead practicing abstinence from it,

By being I and I and I,

And,

Creating,

s e r e n d i p i t y,

s e r e n i t y,

Love and L I G H T!

Sender D. MacLean

 

(Inspired by a good friend who gave me the following words; serendipity effervescent labyrinth abstinence rhetoric and the song)

 

 

 

 

 

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Neurotic Delusions, Grandeur and Love

 

232

How did I love you?

Those who saw the diamond through the coal,

With all of what I am,

Muses all,

How did I worship the very ground you walked on?

Praising your feelings,

Bowing to your desires,

And every whim,

How did I love you?

Do I love you…

The only way I know,

The way that you forgot,

Unconditionally,

And without equivocation,

For I am love,

Love I am AND

Love repeats

Inside concentric circles AND

Is rarely black and white…

Though hands outstretched I continued on,

Seeking the one,

She,

Muse,

That would liberate my soul,

Free my mind AND

Alight my every desire.

How did I love you?

For when our eyes met,

And your spirit dangled before me,

Muse (s),

I had no other choice,

But to fall,

Hard into you,

The way the universe seemed to be speaking to me,

Invisible vibrations settling frayed nerves,

Through you,

That I would abandon me,

So that I could have you,

The mistakes I made,

Now obvious,

As you let go,

Each of you,

Just in time,

For my mind to plot a new course,

In your heart,

No longer loving me,

Or so you said,

Leaving my neurosis to consider,

Once love bestows,

Can it simply disappear,

Back into the Ether from whence it came,

Or does it remain,

Inside our DNA,

Surely revealing a divine plan,

That is neither black nor white.

How did I love you?

Completely,

Parts of me still wondering,

What went wrong?

Knowing all along the answer,

Is that my mind,

No longer numb from the drugs and the drinking,

Had given way,

To something you couldn’t recognize,

Something you couldn’t,

You wouldn’t deal with,

Leaving me abandoned,

With the greatest fear I have ever had,

That I am not good enough,

Oh how did I love you?

How did we get to here?

This crossroads of our own survival,

Our mutual creative thrusts,

No longer mutual,

You fighting for your delusions,

Following your dream,

Loosing me forever,

I and I and I fighting my delusions,

The unintended consequence,

Of your decision and ripe cancellation,

Left me fighting for my sanity,

My toe clearly in the water,

As I let go,

Completely,

Of myself,

To be with you,

Left reeling now,

Forced to imagine what my life had become,

I and I and I crying out;

What has life become?

So plain to see,

But while you were looking,

You couldn’t see,

What was there,

Right in front of you,

Now vanished,

Like the tomes I wrote of our love,

How did we come to here?

Something snapped,

My synapses firing less than wondrously,

The brain affected by something,

As two hemispheres,

Left and right battle daily,

With demons that you never saw,

I never showed you,

The royal you,

For;

How could I?

As it would have interfered with what you dreamed of,

What dreams may come,

You would have lost focus,

And in the end,

You did lose focus,

On the one person that loved without condition,

From once upon a time,

To the end of my days,

So too did I,

And I and I,

Lose,

Control,

Of that which I value so dearly,

This mind,

This beautiful and tortured mind,

A Shakespearean Tragedy and fault all at once,

Cracked,

But not the code,

For the Ether still had and has in store,

A magnanimousness that even I cannot comprehend,

For when the Sirens sing,

I row away from the shore,

Seeking the enduring strength,

To ever more press on.

Inside,

I felt beaten by love,

Drowned in insecurities,

Anxious that I was not good enough,

Would never be good enough,

That finally,

My mind,

Had let go,

And I was about to be thrust to the other side,

The name that dare not speak itself,

And yet,

It was howling in my ears,

Twenty four hours a day,

Sleep at a premium,

If for only twenty minutes at a time,

Inside,

I was yet to understand,

That I was,

And would,

If I didn’t address it now,

Slip forever,

Into insanity,

And so,

Without you,

I sought the help I needed and need,

So that I can reclaim my life.

Reclaim and rebirth.
The gray matters of the heart and soul,

Seeking not a straight line,

But the road less travelled.

My Black Dog,

Said before and will again,

A rabid bitch,

She defies logic,

And escapes reason,

She demands that I sit silent,

Isolated,

Alone,

Sullen emancipation,

From the rules that bind all of you,

For at first,

While I was embarrassed,

Ashamed and frightened by what was happening,

I came to understand,

Through endless dialogue,

With a brilliant sage, sages,

That this curse,

As I have referred to it time and again,

This blessing and curse,

Is the battleground of my own survival?

At least with this mind.

Neurotic,

Depressed (not sad as many a Muse has maintained),

Bi Polar,

Hyper Mania,

OCD,

Murmur,

Seizures,

And more,

The laundry list of my body’s contempt,

For this mind,

This beautiful mind,

And warrior poet soul,

Ether,

Though this scorn,

Is nothing like the other contempt I have endlessly known,

Nor does this contempt define me,

I will not,

Could not,

I WON’T allow contempt to control or destroy me,

No I will fight,

I WILL FIGHT,

A war consistent, that paints itself here,

For all to see,

My contempt palpable,

For what this beautiful mind is trying to do,

And is in fact,

And then there is Muse…

Muse,

Her subtle fingerprints,

All over my words,

Since the day I entreated her to flutter into my being,

Her soul dancing with mine,

Painting pictures of imagined futures,

Though none as marvelous,

As just one simple kiss,

That settles in me a passion,

A passion others have known,

Though this time,

There is something ripened about it,

As if the cancellations of my past,

Have somehow taught me,

Not to give up,

Not to give in,

Instead,

To give completely,

To share,

Whether good or bad,

Exactly who and what I am,

Finding acceptance in her smile,

Finding strength in her eyes,

Finding solace when she touches my hand,

Sending me to a repose I’ve never known.

Muse,

Passion renewed,

Desire quenching my souls ache,

To be touched and to touch another,

In such a way,

That their entire day is lifted,

Their entire life finds new meaning,

All of who they are,

Not tied up to who you are,

Instead,

Together,

Creating an individualism,

That because of new love may emerge,

Muse,

New Muse,

She brings to me,

A renewed passion,

I bequeath these humble words to thee

And the beautiful love,

Already created in your image,

That now shines on me.

Millions of words,

Stained by love,

These words,

Since my journey of self discovery began,

All those years ago,

Repeated,

Out of the ashes of a love destroyed,

By malignant neglect,

This Little Prince rises,

To meet the challenges,

Of the voices in my head,

As I humbly submit,

To you.

SDM

Written from photo prompt at http://www.magpietales.blogspot.com/2014/08/mag-232.html .

Some of the best writing on the net.

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B U C C A H – Love Repeats (A Manifesto for my Ang)

In this life granted,

Blessed,

Recycled stardust filtering through space and time,

At speeds, we are yet to comprehend,

Yet to achieve,

We struggle, we fight, we lust and long,

For another speck,

Of billions old dust,

To crash and comingle with our own,

On an earthly plain,

Feeling our pain and driving our desires,

With cosmic consequences,

Though circumstance,

And the fickle finger of fate,

Often leads us astray,

Love extinction level event,

For reasons we are yet to comprehend,

Yet,

Love repeats,

The universe is not so cruel and unforgiving,

We,

As sentient beings,

Are not always aware of the monumental reasons of the Ether,

Those conditions that lead us to surrender to another,

Embrace, behold, and uplift,

Engage and plea to create another part of the multiverse;

 

Nevertheless, the best laid plans of mice and men,

(And women)

Are often lead astray,

Bringing darkness to the day,

Leaving us to stare,

From the gutter,

Up,

To see the stars…

My Ang,

Look out to those stars,

Realize we are them,

They are within us,

And somehow,

Find the courage of conviction to know,

That though it be day here,

Evening there,

Those stars,

You’ll see,

We share them,

Cosmically connected,

Like the twins of Gemini,

Long lost cousins and life long friends,

Don’t dare call me Pollux!
For in your light I am but Castor;

 

And know that out there another soul is crying for you,

Knowing you are out there,

Just waiting to be discovered,

Just as Ptolemy first did,

As each of us, your friends, already has,

To love you,

In ways we never can.

 

Perhaps,

For even this warrior poet sage is unsure,

Those that run for the border,

Are the building blocks,

The corner stone refused,

The foundation,

Of the love that will manifest,

When we decide,

To trust in our billions years old destiny,

That those who resist fidelity and serendipity,

Are in fact in the end,

The ones responsible for it.

And though the pain is real,

You must embrace it, squeeze it to death,

For,

In the moment,

This too shall pass,

When out of the corner of your eye,

You’ll see a flick of hair,

An awakened soul,

Reaching for you in ways you’ll never understand,

Nor need to,

Because you will be blind to everyone else,

As he will be to you.

Perchance,

This is your time to rise,

Rise to the magic that is you,

Perchance,

This is your time,

To reinvent the beauty that is already you,

Moreover, always remember,

The best revenge,

Is happiness?

For love repeats,

And eventually those that leave realize,

The mistake was theirs all along.

LOVE REPEATS…

BUCCAH!

For my dear friend and cosmic companion from the voices in my head and the Ether.

WE LOVE YOU, Always have and always will. Love and Light,

SDM

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My Iniquity

 

The darkened sky,

A transformative canvas,

Black, as a starless night,

My soul heretofore rising and falling,

On seemingly blatant whims,

Manic yes,

Depressed no,

Setting me on an uncharted course,

Of history, the present and future yet revealed,

Empty, like a new found easel,

Palette stained with the blood on my hands,

And yours,

Decision made,

To have the most perfect child of the light,

Months of manic expression,

Blessed transformation of my soul,

Decision made,

Miserable repression of wretched sorrow,

In a feigned attempt to rid myself of my acceptance,

Of a choice, I dare not make,

Let alone accept,

But what choice could there be,

Cleaning the slate to record the singularity events,

We’re barely yet to understand,

You, moved on, with nary a thought for what we’ve done,

Me,

Trapped inside festering deliberations of the apparent lie I bought,

Selling my soul once more to an imagined devil,

Selling my soul for your comfort,

Placing your needs above my own,

As expected,

Demanded,

By the circumstances of fate,

Hmong Key,

Deleterious choices that were not mine,

But to which I am a party,

And will eternally be strained to accept,

The theorems of our own grandeur decorated,

Foolish grown children,

Playing with fire,

Whereby I alone am burned,

By the footsteps I will never hear,

The cries I can never answer,

The first words I will never hear,

Launching me into a vanguard of disheartened insurrection,

Perplexed, by how quickly in a moment, all can change,

And for what,

To what profit,

In the red,

Celebrated scourging accolades, unearned,

For once more I failed my child,

I failed my love,

Hmong Key, how did I fail you?

I did fail you, didn’t I?

Like an exam I could not understand,

Words like gibberish, heard but never agreed,

For the wide canyon between our desires,

Grand,

So easily unseated by the opinion of others,

Family or no,

The choice made, was yours and yours alone,

Though I can not fault you,

For you did what you had to do,

And I stood by,

Like a trainer ready to throw in the towel,

Constantly reimagining what could have been,

What should have been,

What most I appeal for to the Ether,

What most you chide as a non event in your life,

Evidenced by the ease in which you,

Tossing our child, our love and me sideways,

Castaway by immature reconciliations,

Serving neither you nor I,

Though surely a life sentence I am again to serve,

Parole from these manifestations an unlikely event,

Causation,

Dwelled on like a circadian rhythm without deliberation or meditation,

Though for all the days between that and this,

I have thought of little more,

Than ten fingers and ten toes,

Blue eyes and black hair,

Beyond the superficial, horizons seen,

Realizing that I have flown too close to the sun,

Clipped wings,

Shattered soul,

From the veracity pained before our mutual eyes,

The tree of life, yours, mine,

And our beautiful child,

Stolen from my grasp,

As I clutched to the hope that finally,

Here and now,

It was to be,

Or instead not to be,

As my vicious companion,

My black dog reminds me,

And despite the noblest of intentions,

I failed you,

Our child, unborn,

Aborted,

And myself,

Authentic pleas loudly expressed,

Though the Ether did not hear,

Would not hear,

You refused to hear,

For here we are,

Separated by time and space,

Forever connected by the love we made,

Conceiving an innocent victim,

To our foolishness,

From which our existence is unabated,

Though not that of our child,

As we slaughter you whole, one by one by one,

As I have time and again and again,

Lost that most dear to me,

Ten fingers,

Ten toes,

Woe be not me,

Yet distressingly I bemoan what could not be,

For reasons clear as mud,

Yet crystal in your demise,

My child,

Beautiful child,

Innocent,

Choking as you did on our avarice,

Only to breath into fresh suggestions, disregarding our malice,

As if you could,

As if you should,

Bent on allowing us to thrive and continue to survive,

Though you, innocent, could not live,

Despite the persistence of our choosing,

At your expense,

And that of our continued optimism,

For now restless I consider,

All you could have been,

And all that I stole from you,

Your first breath,

The beating of your beautiful heart,

The resplendence of your love born soul,

Regardless of my veneration of it,

Devotion to not just the idea of you,

But in fact, you,

I am now stuck in place,

Quicksand of emotional sinking,

Peculiar reproductions, of the time before,

And the time before that,

I guess the third time is not a charm,

But instead the noose I wear around my neck,

Waiting for the floor to collapse between my feet,

The only punishment suitable,

The bear trap crushing my soul,

One hurtful thought at a time

Evocative spectacle of menacing exquisiteness,

For truly you would have been exquisite,

In my mind’s eye you always will be,

What of your thoughts Hmong Key?

What do you see when you close your eyes at night?

Is the nightmare the same as for I?

Portentous, sinister and yet curiously inviting,

As three dimensions squeezed into two,

And for a time two became three,

We,

Mother,

Father and unborn child,

Aborted,

As the final countdown reached the hour of my defeat,

You knocked up, pregnancy a suit you wore well,

And me knocked out,

By the simplicity of your words,

Followed by actions,

Transiting mine own compromise once more,

Door closed on the haunted house of my trespasses,

Under pressure,

Pressures,

That I, myself, had ill conceived,

Though you, my child, were not,

Instead realized in a moment of blind passion,

That continues to consume me,

As we did you,

Foolish children we were,

Are,

Loosing our souls,

To gain what?

To what avail?

Loosing each other,

And a piece of ourselves to which we will never arise,

At least not I,

You traverse unanswered, buttress our intimidation of beings,

She and I,

Mother and Father,

Become judge, jury and executioner,

Executioner, once more,

For both she and I,

Loosing more than just you,

But a piece of us,

Conceptions of love revealed,

To be the false hope of prophetic wisdom,

Fanatical depictions of what was, could have been and now is,

Not,

By what right of universal law,

Those commands from the Ether,

What right,

Did we have?

Ultimately giving way to the thoughts of man,

Touchdown in mere minutes upon this empty void,

Whereby you suffered,

I suffer,

Depressed and manic,

Considering the role I played,

The life you gave,

That I allowed to fall victim,

Once more,

An act of love, true and necessary,

For her, not I,

But I was a passenger in this crime,

Necessarily so,

For as man, I have no right,

To deter the decisions of your mother,

Or any woman,

No excuse offered,

Rather the acknowledgement of my delinquency,

My crime, convicted,

For I did stand idly by,

Waiting for you to die,

Of my feebleness to prevent this,

Longing for you to see the light of day,

Rather sent to the pits of hell,

By me,

Those steps I long to hear,

Now are the nightmare that I experience,

Night and day,

Flamboyant bizarre dints,

My psyche dented,

From a child love invented,

And cowardice took away,

Too easily, though not for I,

Or I and I,

Broken fragments of a dream shattered,

Reflecting the reality of the decision made,

And for what?

A proper penchant of collective tête-à-tête,

Though no words could I say,

Other than I supported her in your demise,

That also represents a dying on mine own,

Awkward,

In stains, blood, shades, hues and tones, all red,

Millions of them,

Demolishing what I thought I was,

For what again I’m become,

Failing you,

Failing her,

Failing,

Period,

Deluded by hidden lies,

Behind a radiant smile,

And glowing eyes,

That now seem, at least a bit,

To have lost their glint,

Just as my own,

Brought to the forefront of perception, judicious,

Judge, jury and executioner,

Ignorance of universal law is no excuse,

For what we’ve done,

Restrained sway of the eye enclosed,

Millions of possibilities,

Only one outcome,

As I failed you,

My child,

Beautiful boy or girl,

The language of my greatest burden,

Playing God,

While He/She/It/ They laugh,

At our imprudence,

Suffering now my crime of omission,

In a galaxy confined in the brain, rightly so grey,

For in this decision there was no black nor white,

Only grey,

The central question, importance and measure of our lives,

Our desire born love child,

Delicate haunting arms outstretched,

But to no avail,

You begged to be assumed, moved, valued,

Though no value did you have for she,

Seemingly only me,

As our tree of life is evermore death,

Yours,

Amplified in bewildering events,

One pill at a time,

Followed by the source of life,

Water,

Which again found the path of least resistance,

And I was held captive,

In symbolic penitentiary and isolation,

Our intention understood,

But not accepted,

Rippling loops artifact humiliating me once more,

Gushing tears at the banality of this man,

This consecrated gift, ours,

You,

Raped,

Without recourse or further consideration,

How can one be so cold,

Decision made, no explanation and instead the running of the bulls,

Whereby the Key,

In fact, once more became the lock,

That holds me prisoner,

Shackled by the very thought of you,

And what I have done,

Once more,

Ever more,

It was me,

It was she,

And the empty vagaries of an apology,

Falls upon her deaf ears,

And my wounded heart and soul,

Forced solitude to engage my darkest hour,

As the hour of your birth approaches,

Stolen from you,

Stolen from me,

I am failed,

I am convict,

Guilty,

Of crimes against humanity,

Against you,

My unborn child,

Cast aside,

Aborted,

And thus my torture ensues,

Considering the iniquity of man,

My own,

Iniquity,

 

I am,

 

Sorry!

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Unrealized Apologies

There is nowhere to hide,

From yourself,

Myself,

For one cannot hide from their own truth,

Truths,

The perpetration of penetrating solemn condemnation,

For I have been measured,

As was our child,

Found wanting,

Laying bare,

Exposed,

A soul to shine,

Souls,

Wandering,

Filled with a lust for life,

Not just mine own,

But also of that higher calling,

The calling of all species,

Procreation,

Pro,

Creation,

Commanded by a power I can not see,

But courses through my veins,

A purpose driven emotion,

Long repressed,

Only to once more,

Come off and up,

From a moment of sheer ecstasy,

The giddy smile, of a beauty rare,

Caught in the resplendence of a soul,

Hmong Key,

That also wanders,

Nomadic, lost and free,

Confused and scared,

Just as I was,

Just as I am,

Allowing once more,

Things outside of my control,

To fell me,

Like an ear of corn,

Stalked,

Lopped off like Van Gogh’s,

Where the darkness of the night,

Reveals no stars,

Just hidden scars,

However, there can be no removal of this stain,

Upon my soul,

Upon my soul,

Strained,

Whereby again the forces at work,

Arisen from the past,

Cry out to me,

In tomes and hues,

Of a sorrow that I cannot deny,

A sorrow I will not deny,

Zion clenched from my ready fist,

Aborting,

To fight for what is right,

Yet, here I am, exposed,

Sitting here,

In abject pain,

Once caused by a tango,

Of we, two,

A beautiful night,

Nights,

Of passion raw and rare,

Glimpsing the prospect of a new portend,

The life imagined,

So many times before,

Foolish hubris of youth,

The mental anguish of the manic high,

Brought on by the words I have longed to hear,

“I’m pregnant!”

Longing temporarily answered,

One moment of paradise, found, moments,

Lost,

Words every bit,

If not more powerful,

Than,

“I love you!”

For those words,

Demand a higher calling answer,

The Ether,

My Mistresses Destiny, Serendipity, and Fate,

Dancing me ever closer,

Without consent,

Achelous’ daughters,

Calling me ever nearer to a manifest providence,

That once more sought and seeks,

To destroy me,

Figurative and literal,

While Demeter rebukes them,

And I,

And I and I,

What can I say,

What can I do,

To escape this tortured hell,

Greeted by my Black Dog,

Cerberus no longer chained,

Ready and willing to feast not just on my soul,

But that of you and our child,

Whose only crime,

Was conception,

Ironic,

The complete circles of Dante’s comedy,

Divine,

Yet cast as I am,

Into the fiery pits,

Devastated once more,

Again,

By the circumstances of fortune,

That favoured not this bold,

Warrior Poet,

For in my candor,

In my moment of sheer bliss,

I could not see,

I would not see,

That which was so obviously painted in front of me,

As it had been behind me all these years,

Hell has a permanent place in my soul,

Travelling with me every step of the way,

As the Devil, dances, gleefully,

Like Nero,

Fiddle in hand,

As my insides burn,

Invisible to you,

Realized to me,

A tortured existence,

Brought on by ill tempered passion,

Though surely, I would gladly trade,

Every breath,

Every beat of my heart,

That my child may have lived,

Our child,

For the capacity, with love tendered,

Would have rendered a cherished gift,

Treasure,

To behold,

As surely, I would have,

In addition, indeed venerate at this moment of delicious torment.

Those words,

Sweet when softly spoken,

Inside a darkened room,

Forbearing this brooding sentience,

Sentence,

Life,

Death,

As the decision made,

Not by me,

Had no other choice,

No other choice,

But to stand back and watch,

A further demise,

Like Icarus, I had flown,

Too close to the sun of my own realizations,

Be careful what you wish for,

As the hidden truths of majority rule,

Are nothing but the illusion,

Of allusion,

Creed of dissent,

My voice drowned out,

My will denied,

As a piece of me died,

Dies,

Once more,

Again,

Confronted,

By the defeat of necessity,

Necessity,

Not necessarily so,

But the weakness of temptation,

Insane,

Leads down a path more taken,

Rather than the one which makes all the difference,

Would have,

Could have,

Should have,

Priorities checked and unchecked,

Crushed,

By the iniquity of my own acquiescence,

Though nothing could be done,

Nothing.

Vacuous apologies,

Masking terribly this gloomy sorrow,

Meek,

Sorry is not the hardest thing to say,

It is the hardest thing to realize,

For even in these words,

This expression of endless grief,

I know what I have done,

What we have done,

To what I have been a party,

To what we two caused, both in love and in lust,

Deceived by youthful exuberance,

Guilty,

Blood on my hands,

My own,

Our own,

That of our child,

Desired,

Yet,

Determined resilience to a lifetime concerned,

Whereby everything in that moment changed,

I remember,

Hmong Key,

The exact expression,

That you feared would be our demise,

Instead exposing my lifelong desires,

Deftly engaged,

For months,

Until hell hath no fury,

Like cultural mores,

And the stink of corroding flesh,

The die already cast,

Our own,

I remember,

I remember,

I remember,

Now lost inside the strain and sorrow,

Of knowing,

Tomorrow,

Tomorrow and tomorrow,

Was taken not just from you or I,

But the beautiful bright eyes,

Of the life we destroyed,

Sorry just does not seem to be enough,

Not for me,

Not now,

Not here,

With the advent of a child,

Torn from my longing desires,

Now in passionate retreat,

Sorry will never be enough,

Not for me,

Not,

Ever.

SDM

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What Dreams MAY Come

 

Perchance,

These words fall not upon deaf ears

Or an erstwhile impenetrable soul,

Perchance,

These words enter through loving eyes,

Knowing that these sentiments rare,

Are the truest form of me,

Expressed herein,

Delightfully,

Though feared lost in translation,

Cultural mores,

Yet here I stand defiant,

Like a child at play,

With you,

Tickling the fancy of your greatest desires,

Roaming free and invited into the dreams you seek,

Piercing the armor that you so deftly have created,

Come to you like a knight,

In tales of yonder,

Where the damsel in distress,

You,

Is saved,

Figuratively and literally,

By me,

Here and now!

Perchance,

These words enter into your mind,

Understood by ripe passion,

Filter free from worry,

That they may alight your greatest fantasies,

Here and now,

Of the life you crave,

The life you deserve,

The life I’d like to make with you,

Perchance,

These words enter you like water,

Finding the path of least resistance,

Where they hit right at the heart of you,

Like the gods ambrosia,

Intoxicating you with a restored vision,

Sacred,

Beautiful,

For what was and what could be,

With you,

For you,

For us,

Perchance!

Perchance,

These words could unlock the chambers of your insecurity,

Demanding nothing more of you,

Than that delicious smile,

The one that lights up every room,

With your eyes dancing like an inverse moon,

Eclipsed,

By you,

I will go in this way,

Discovering that what may be may be,

Come,

To this,

At the head wondering, wandering and wishing,

To share with you,

Every moment,

Perfect, imperfect and all together plain,

Though with you,

None could be plain,

For you are like that fairy tale princess,

And I a low suitor,

Longing to raise up to become that knight,

To take you to the life you’ve always sought,

Perchance!

Perchance these words restore that faith lost,

For reasons inconsequential,

That neither define me nor you,

Nor the clear admiration and adoration that we share,

Perchance,

These words,

Beg the reason of reason released,

For in affairs such as these,

The heart and soul,

There need not be reasons,

Only compassion,

Understanding,

Trust and the daily affirmation,

That I am yours,

And you are mine.

Perchance,

These words,

Could possibly heal your wounds,

Could possibly reveal you to you,

And thus more to me,

Beyond the naked expression of beauty that I have

Already born witness to,

Captured as I have been,

By the radiance of you,

Bedazzled by the awe that you inspire,

Uplifted by your sweet gentleness,

Hoping,

Panging,

Yearning,

For you to see,

Who I am,

Who I seek to be,

With you…

Perchance!

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