Tag Archives: Sender D. MacLean

Emotional Suicide

Emotional,

Suicides,

Continuity of contemplations,

Yesterday gone by,

Now;
Catalyst of catapulting concentricity,

Like hell,

Only opposed,

For those seeming endless hours endured,

Tattered tears of troubled tears,

Reveal Hemingway’s hidden truth,

Exposed,

My invisible doppelganger sings out;

“The world breaks everybody;

And afterward,

Some are stronger in the broken places.”
Broken places,

The caves of dialogues with Plato,

Wherein shadows portend light,

And light seems a forgotten meme,

Like a vanished childhood memory;

 

Recaptured with the taste of a candy apple or cotton candy,

Or dirt;

 

Simplicity refined,

Ill defined and unwritten,

Until now.
Emotional suicides aside,

For now,

The cave dwellers,
I and I and I,

Elect to reemerge as chosen light,

For the light we have chosen,

I and I and I,

Seek clarity, knowledge of self(ves),

Nosce Te Ipsum,

To triumphantly engage,

In the most precious journey,

Fatherhood.

Let this cry ring out,

From broken soul

now

Kintsugi,

To broken souls,

This light is not the end of the tunnel,

But the tunnel itself,

Neither pessimism nor cynicism,

Can or will alter Sender revisited,

Rejuvenated, restored and improved.

 

Let these cries be perceived,

To all those searching,

Walking the daunting paths of Dante’s design,

Feeling entombed,

Dash forward, ever onward,

Tunnel and tunnel more,

Until this universal truth becomes as real for you,

As I and I and I.

 

Words can seem empty,

Feeble and pedantic,

Yet as I climb from this cavity of interminable despondency,

I and I and I stand witness(es),

Bold and humbled,

By the fire inside,

That is the light;

Emotional Suicide be damned,

And art on,

Whatever that art may be

For therein lay your (OUR) liberation,

And utter determination,
I and I and I’s art is simple,

An authentic life;

Non Omnis Moriar.

Sender D. MacLean

 

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Rx for My Life (Medicine is the Best Medicine)

 

I have been and continue to be

Struggling

With a derelict brain

That imperils my mind,

A dangerous proposition as the words I write fall from my mind

Into my brain,

Through the shame and disgust

Embarrassment and pride

I have risen above the fray,

Or at least am trying to,

Doing battle with myriad conditions that now require

My sincere expression of what I am breaking from

But not broken

As much for your benefit as mine own.

 

Bipolar Disorder,

Manic high to manic low,

Majestic heights that make me feel like there is nothing I can’t do,

Terrifying lows where even a breath seems like more effort than it is worth,

The drinking helped for years, excessive beyond measure,

Drinking just to get some sleep,

To deal with school,

To deal with work,

To deal with people,

To deal with me,

I ran from the truth, as I knew it for two and a half decades,

Twenty five years is a long, long time to run from anything,

Let alone your own truth,

Personal and universal,

Coming to accept it is a whole different battle and I did,

Lithium entered my life that day,

(So far so good)

Still ups and downs but less frequent and powerful.

 

Major Depressive Disorder,

Just as ugly as it sounds,

Compounded by the manic nature of the BD this condition is exhausting,

No movement is really possible,

It feels as if you’re stuck in quicksand up to the neck and fire ants are coming,

But you can’t move,

Your brain is lethargic and incapable of doing anything,

No focus,

No watching TV for anything more than ten minutes at a time,

Reading a book is impossible,

Going to the bathroom is a chore,

It feels as if life is caving in on you like

A collapsed roof,

Admitting it is not as easy as you think,

Stigma exists but when you get to therapy,

Tell the truth and explore

What you can do both as an individual and with

Medication things can and do change,

It took nine medications before we got to

Wellbutrin,

Seemingly it works,

But then again they all worked in the beginning,

A couple weeks in it seems good,

But only time will tell.

 

Schizoaffective Disorder

Has been such a treat coupled with the

Paranoia,

For I see and hear things that are not there,

Auditory hallucinations and delusions

Those frighten me beyond words,

Snipers with lasers after me,

Miniature black helicopters, also with lasers, after me,

Generally afraid of single engine aircraft and official vehicles,

All of which have been present in one form or another

Since my middle teens,

I dealt with it the only way I knew how,

I drank,

Excessively and often,

Which would quiet the voices but not the visions,

(Hemingway just tapped me on the shoulder,

“Don’t forget about me.)

Some of the delusions are useful, at least Hemingway is,

But the rest I can do without,

Enter Haloperidol after six other meds didn’t work

And it seems to be,

But I have a wait and see attitude.

 

So why write about all this,

Why so openly and honestly?

 

If one person reading this is aided by it

Then I have done my job.

I wrote this to show that we don’t need to be sidelined,

That we don’t need to be embarrassed or feel shame,

There is no shame in chemical processes and imbalances

Over which you have no control,

It is not your fault,

It is not your fault,

It is not your fault,

Know we can take an advocacy role in our own lives,

YOU can work toward a brighter future for yourself,

It just takes a good support system, people that love you,

Confidence that tomorrow is a new day and

That today I can only do what I can and no more,

Stop beating yourself up,

Stop tormenting yourself,

GET HELP,

Take it all in and accept that we are all made differently and regardless

Of your personal struggle

It can, will and does get better.

 

Medicine in my case is the best medicine

And that is the

Rx for my life.

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Equinox Update

I hope you are all doing well. It seems fitting to me to give an update on the first day of spring. Lots has been going on both good and bad and while I have been pretty much in the dark for almost a year I thought that you should know what is going on. 

Bad;

I am still battling the various mental health issues that I have been fighting for more than two years (some would argue since I was around five years of age). I am doing everything I can to reclaim my life. Bipolar Disorder has been an absolute struggle as have the medications associated with it. I also have a series of other challenges and issues that I am working through and take it all one day at a time remaining confidant (hopeful) that I will ultimately prevail.

That said here is the…

Good;

I am getting closer to taking my first work to print. We have no firm date yet but it’s coming. We think we have the name for the anthology but you’ll just have to wait and see.

To find me on Facebook all you need do is go to my page and press the like button;

 Sender D. MacLean, Writer.

I am still writing every day and will be sharing more of what I write in the coming weeks and months. Thank you for following me as you have and for always giving me that kick in the butt I need to keep going. It means more than any of you can ever know.

Happy Spring Everyone.

Love and Light,

Sender

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Magpie 95 – The Shores of Desperation

The old man collapsed as he hit the shore,
Kissing it as he
hoped that his desperate search had found its conclusion,
at least for now.

With sheer joy and excitement he took that first step,
Having been alone at sea for days,
Or was it weeks,
Perhaps months,
He couldn’t be sure as days melted together,
As iron in a smelter.

But he knew he was free of that little boat,
The one he loved for guiding him safely to shore,
It wasn’t until step three he realized there was a problem,
Sinking right before his eyes,
One grain of sand at a time,
Until he could no longer move,
Stuck once more,
Captive of the oceans fury,
Just out of reach of the oars that could free him.

Submitted to my dear friends site which has some of the best writing you’ll ever find on the net. Check them out www.magpietales.com

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NaNoWriMo Update

I hope this finds you all well.

I wanted to give you all a NaNoWriMo update as November is now behind us.

I was unable for a myriad of reasons to complete the fifty thousand word challenge. Due to the nature of the material I found that it was taking a great personal toll on me both physically and mentally. I would stop and start. Stop and start. I had days that I wrote sixteen thousand words that I would erase because I didn’t believe that I was being as honest as is needed for the work that it is going to be. That being said I did allow myself the luxury of almost forty thousand words, which I see as a good start.

So Hemingway & Me continues. One painful memory at a time.

Be Inspired Today!

Peace, Respect, Love and Light,

Sender

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