Tag Archives: unborn child

A Woefully Inadequate Letter to My Unborn Child

 

First and foremost, you need to know, YOU, in all your majesty and wonder were born of a rarified love.

 

Your Mother is a unique gem in the universe and you should thank your lucky stars every day that she gave birth to you. Through, with and by her you have won the lottery of birth and I genuinely hope that you appreciate that fact every day.

 

Your Sister is the embodiment of all that is great about your Mother. She is kind, caring, considerate, intelligent, hard working and beautiful. Someday you will realize the truth of these words.

 

Your Father, ME, pops, papa, dada whatever you want to call me. I am an opened can of worms who through your grace seeks to be a better man every day. You do indeed make me a better man and I strive to live up to that all important title; Father.

Your family spans the earth and you will meet them all in due course.

That being said there are a few things as we approach the day of your birth I want to let you know that I will demonstrate for you everyday in every possible way. So without further adieu, here we go;

 

Love is the most important thing in the world. The unbridled love and bond between family is indeed thicker than water and you should always remember that love is ALWAYS the answer and is ALL you need.

 

You are being brought into a world in turmoil. This fact will present itself to you in any number of ways on an omnipresent basis. There are countless though not insurmountable problems that face our planet those in turn mean that you must face. There are wars, droughts, famines, fires, sycophants and psychopaths and every scary thing that you are not yet able to imagine.

YET, and I mean this in every possible way; despite and in spite of the challenges that our species face you are being brought into a world of wonder and delight. With every sense you will feel the truth of this sentiment. You have a heart that pumps blood, a built in waste management system, lungs that process oxygen; capacities that so few people consider although you MUST.

 

For in these overlooked capacities lay the wonder of life. You have the ability to breathe, see, smell, touch, taste and hear and these are monumentally fantastic sensations. You have been given the blessed ability to think and oh how do I believe you will think (not like your crazy father but hopefully a little). Let’s hope you get your mothers brains and my looks.

 

As great as senses are you have been given the most powerful gift and weapon between those beautiful ears of yours, a brain, in which resides an invisible yet indomitably obvious treasure, a MIND. With this invisible promise of endless possibilities lay your ability to imagine, dream and explore every corner of thought. With this mystically beautiful tool you will fathom the understood and the misunderstood and you MUST NEVER allow someone to make your mind up for you. Entertain all thoughts. Entertain your mind and make it an endless revolution from which springs forth the ultimate blessing that you are. There is no greater entertainment, NONE, greater than that fantastically powerful tool, your mind. USE IT! Beat it, cajole it, caress it, ENTERTAIN IT. You’ll love me one day for these words.

 

You were conceived of love and your mission in this world is to repay that love with kindness, compassion, honesty, integrity, loyalty and service toward the betterment of our species.

 

There is no such thing as a bad thought, only bad actions. You will have bad thoughts just don’t act on them.

 

Do not kill although for me there are caveats to this.

Do not steal although there are caveats such as hunger.

Try not to lie.

Do not hurt people as much as possible.

 

The rest is up for grabs, truly.

HOWEVER you and YOU alone are the master of your destiny. You are not alone and never will be, WE will always be here for you, in good, bad and neutral BUT you must make your own choices and as much as possible choose wisely. If you don’t know ASK it is the greatest tool you have, the ability to say; I don’t know.

 

FACE in the context of the society in which you are being born is BULLSHIT. Respect is not. Honour your elders and your life.

 

YOU have been imbued with intelligence and intellect, emotional capacity, grace and beauty. It is YOUR duty to your family and YOURSELF to be the best version of you that you can be. It will not be EASY. It will not always be fun. But that, first and foremost is your duty. You have choices, you ALWAYS have choices, even when it seems dim and impossible, there is always a choice and they are yours to make. We can guide you toward the light but not necessarily keep you from the dark. We will make every effort as a family to support you, imbue in you the necessary skills for survival in a harsh world but the ultimate choice is yours, only yours.

 

Life does not come with an instruction manual AND even if it did I would not give it to you. Not out of malice but out of a genuine and incomparable love that you will only understand when you have a child of your own.

 

Sometimes it’s a bad day and you need to say FUCK IT.

 

Human beings, your mother, sister and I are not and NEVER will be perfect.

 

We are however perfectly imperfect or imperfectly perfect.

 

I am going to mess up more times than I care to admit in your life and indeed my own as my life has already shown me.

 

We all make mistakes, ALL of us make mistakes. The key to those mistakes is to learn from them. As you will soon be able to recognize I have a mathematical equation on my right arm the same colour as my eyes… e=mc2 .

 

I put it there because of it’s relevance to the power of thought and Einstein, the genius who created this equation said; “”Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” My beautiful child you will make mistakes, grand mistakes, enormous and sometimes life changing mistakes. Learn from them, internalize, analyze, explore and understand those mistakes –we only GROW, spiritually, mentally and consequentially through the mistakes we make. ALTHOUGH do not allow your mistakes to haunt you, control you or dismay you. Someday I will tell you the monumental mistakes I made that led me to your truly awe inspiring creation and you will see all mistakes are guideposts on the road of life AND more often than not you should take the road less travelled.

 

Try EVERYTHING once with only one caveat; if it hurts another human being I cannot command you not to do it but I can beseech you not to.

 

DON’T be an asshole, EVER. Even to jerks, miscreants, neurotics and narcissists. It is so much better to kill people with kindness, goodness, generosity of wealth and spirit.

 

Try food, experiences, do things that frighten you and make you uncomfortable. Be scared but not afraid. Be bold but not stupid. Collect memories not things although this very sick civilization you are being brought into will attempt to make you do the opposite. GO AGAINST THE GRAIN.

 

Stand out, you were born to be nothing less than FABULOUS and you are indeed just that. Live up to that truth. While it will be amazingly difficult to live up to that you need to recognize that you are not a clone, you are not a lemming, you are a unique and resplendent individual. Just because everyone else is doing it does not mean that you should. STAND up and be COUNTED. Make waves and if necessary tsunamis. Do no remain silent when injustice is being committed no matter the personal cost. Remain vigilant to the virtues that brought you into this world and the world and YOU will be better for it.

Play in the dirt. Ask questions like why is the sky blue! Ask all questions because there are no stupid questions only stupid answers. Love animals. Hug trees. Climb Trees. Stop to smell flowers. Acknowledge people on the street. Play good natured tricks on people. Know that there is no limit to what you can do, not the stars, not the laws of gravity, not your mother nor I, society, science, people; NONE; your only, ONLY, ONLY, limitation in the vastness of this universe is your own imagination. You can and will be ANYTHING you want, ANYTHING; so choose wisely. For the choice is yours. BE GREAT, that’s why you were born to BE GREAT. Though, remember fucking up can be a choice and sometimes it is the best choice.

 

Say YES but also know when to say NO. Sometimes you won’t know just remember this as a guideline, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Life is NOT easy NOR should it be. All the best things in life are hard, require work, effort and passion. DON’T give up, DON’T give in, DON’T compromise your values and principles unless through personal growth you realize YOU were wrong. Move powerfully passed the temptation to live or revel in the past.

People are motivated by their own interests and instincts but are easily manipulated by forces that are both easy and difficult to explain. When you are older I will seek to address these truths with you.

 

People are as varied as there are colours you can see, sounds you can hear, smells you can smell, tastes you can taste and feelings you can feel. Seek out and keep near you GOOD PEOPLE. They are easy to know but not find. See through the blustery lens of other peoples opinions and look for the genuine goodness in peoples hearts. Jai Di!

 

Not their words, for words in the minds of the uninitiated are poor markers due to the fact that every one can use them but not understand them. Observe and pay attention to actions – for those ACTIONS are the true diamond in the rough of our existence.

 

Do not engage in petty gossip or conversation. I don’t mean small talk, rather like Eleanor Roosevelt said; “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

 

NEVER let truth hurt you. The truth, THE truth is subjective not objective. FACTS, genuine facts, are objective while the truth is not. The truth is an ugly manifestation of an agenda that is rarely if ever readily apparent let alone centuries on. However, if the truth is starring you in the face, stare back and critically explore it. You are the master of your own personal truth and it will be a tricky, slippery and difficult slope – Don’t lie to yourself.

 

Do not hate people. Hate ideas. Frederick Douglass once said; “Let no man pull you so low as to hate him.” Hate is a basest non thinking response to ignorance. Do not be ignorant. Be informed. There is a great line that has stuck with me since I first heard it; “We salute the rank, not the man.” There is inherent goodness in everyone. Find that, celebrate it, honour it and believe me this will be difficult at times.

 

LIFE is not FAIR. It never has been and it never will be. Do not expect it to be. In fact do not expect as that is the root cause of disappointment. You will be challenged, aggrieved, lose and be cheated. Prepare yourself for this and know that no matter what you think, believe or know there will always be those that get ahead, do better, go further, faster, stronger due to circumstances beyond both their and your control. Life is not FAIR and this reality will be ever present in your life. YOU however can be fair, directed by principle and goodness – DO THIS and life will be as fair for you as is universally and according to KARMA possible. Remember KARMA is both a positive and negative force and it always comes back like a boomerang.

 

The television and indeed now the Internet have become bastions where truly the medium have become the message. The television is a one way medium, purpose built and designed to stupefy, to convince you to consume and to keep you from doing genuinely great things. Do not fall prey to this evil manipulative tool. The internet has such great promise, it is the great equalizer for all human knowledge. It is the reestablishment of the Library at Alexandria. HOWEVER, if you use it for cat memes and watching youtube videos of girls twerking you have been caught in the message of the medium. This is intentional, it is pervasive and it is evil. This is not to say that there is not enjoyment in these things BUT you must ensure that you do not allow as so many have to let these mediums hold dominion over you. Oscar Wilde stated that; “everything in moderation except moderation.” The internet and even the television have the power to educate, inspire and uplift and even to entertain, look for the first three and I promise you you will be entertained. DO GREAT THINGS. Be active not passive. Dance, Sing, Write, Create, Innovate – USE YOUR POWER.

 

KNOWLEDGE is power. In fact it is the only real power. People of ill intent will tell you money, gold or some other possession are power. They are not. Your intellect and the knowledge from which it stems are the ONLY REAL powers there are in this world. With KNOWLEDGE you can do anything you desire. YOU have the power WITHIN your mind. USE IT.

 

MONEY IS NOT REAL. It is a creation. Another evil manipulative tool used by powers so insidious and evil it will take decades for me to explain them to you. MONEY is a tool, a colourful piece of paper that by common delusion has taken on grandiose meanings in this world. Just like all human creations it can be undone by human actions and should be in your lifetime, perhaps your children. Do NOT, DO not, DO NOT pursue money – pursue passion and wealth beyond your wildest dreams will materialize not through magic but instead through hard work and dedication.

 

All present institutions that control our civilization are at their core EVIL. EVIL in that most, though not all, do not live up to the promise of their founding. The very notion that a corporation has the same rights as you but NONE of the responsibilities is morally and spiritually repugnant. Each of these insinuations praises their role but NONE, not one, appreciates that they are involved in an open slaughter of all species and a planet through a continued deleterious and usurious misreading of the man that codified the system. Collectivization of wealth will be the ultimate downfall and further – Earth is finite thus growth is finite which means the system although doing what it is deigned to do MUST fail. A house of cards, or one built on sand must inevitably fail.

I will openly admit to you here, I am not religious, nor is your Mother. Your sister believes in the Christian God due to a relationship with object permanence I can’t get into now. It is not my job to tell you what to believe but instead to introduce you to knowledge so that you can draw your own understanding. I have made no attempt to dissuade your sister nor will I or you.

 

My belief is based on what are currently believed to be the only objective truths; mathematics and science. I firmly believe that we are not alone in the universe and while religions will tell you that this is the proof of God I believe that the monotheists have been demonstrated wrong on countless levels. I can not due to my intellect say to you unequivocally that there is no God however I can tell you that it is statistically unlikely. Just as it is improbable we are alone in this vast, harsh and beautiful universe. I can point to any number of reasons that I object to the notion that we need a God or even why theists believe God to be great. For if we are in fact created in this Gods image – this god is vile, malevolent and wicked. All things we can explore as you grow – not to dissuade you but instead to show you another point of view.

 

You don’t require a god or a book to be your moral compass and if you do you should dig deep within and explore why you do. What need is being filled? What passion is being ignited? What question is truly being answered?

QUESTION EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. If an idea, thought or person cannot be questioned it is not worthy.

 

Remember good people show up. You will not have one hundred friends and you should consider yourself lucky if you have two.

 

This is woefully inadequate as a letter to you. I am woefully inadequate as a father but will do my best to ensure that no harm will come to you. I assure you that hell would be preferable to my wrath if someone were to hurt you, your sister or Mother. Your Uncles will also assure you of this fact in evidence. WE will be there for you in good times and bad. We will be there to pick you up and indeed pull you down at times. We will be there to scold you and praise you. WE WILL BE THERE.

I love you. WE love you. From the moment of your conception you were bathed in love. You will always be bathed in love and at times it will seem like that is not true. Believe me TOUGH LOVE is still love.

Woefully inadequate though this initial letter is, it is me, warts and all and I CAN’T WAIT TO MEET YOU face to face.

From all of me, with love, humbleness and honour,

Your (anxious, excited and nervous) FATHER,

Pa.

A.K.A. Sender D. MacLean

 

 

 

 

 

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

The Translation of Deceit and The Temptation of Desire

Lost in Translation…

Words,

Just words,

Right?

Just words…

Right?

It is commonly understood,

Love,

Is universal,

Felt by all,

Yet is it?

Now I am not so sure,

Me,

The very embodiment of that passionate urge,

The swelling surge,

That is as uncontrollable as the tides or gravity

And impossible to purge;

For here I am,

On wounded knee,

Felled,

Having given all of me,

And willing to give so much more,

Tempted by another’s fruit,

As the story goes,

I was,

Knowing what I was doing was wrong,

Persisting still,

Not knowing that it was to get worse,

As all things forbidden usually do;

Forbidden,

Reassured by your tender words,

The trance like innocence conveyed,

That betrayed the festering truth deep within,

Words,

Those you thought I wanted to hear,

Penetrating so,

Knowing I wanted to hear truth,

Not momentary,

But everlasting,

Convinced that what you held for me was real,

Compounded by those words you said to me,

Mocking temptress,

Vicious villain leaving me caught unaware,

In that moment,

Perhaps you expected me to say something different,

Perhaps hoping I would,

Is that the case?

I guess I’ll never know,

And in light of what has come to light,

I now don’t care.

In love,

You let me float on cloud high,

Nine and silver lined,

Seemingly higher than I have ever been before,

Realizing now the manic apparitions,

When with those words you changed me,

In an instant,

Looking into the future,

And whole lives flashing before my eyes,

My imagination wild with expectancy,

Expectant,

See,

Ripe,

As names resonated through my head,

Through my fingers,

Touching my pursed lips,

Kissing life,

Trying to find the one meaning,

That could somehow compliment what I believed we had,

But did we ever?

No,

Your deception now clear,

Intention however lost,

Despite my over thinking.

Now what I am left to consider,

As my heart cries out,

Like a lone lemming,

In search of family,

The family I believed I was starting,

That you let me believe for too long,

Was going to be real,

Finally,

In love,

A child conceived of love,

But do you know what love is?

As poison dripped from your lips,

Seeping into my veins,

And killing me from within,

For that which I could not be without,

The manipulation of my desires, dreams and aspirations,

The game you play,

Not just on me,

But all.

Do you know what love is?

Truly inside your heart and soul?
Nay, simply the wicked game,

Played by your insecurities,

Those measured imperfections,

Shadows of shadows,

Wherein you hide,

Mata Hari to your own needs,

Momentary,

Stated,

Never satiated,,

By your own despotic evil,

Webs of deception,

As in my hurt,

My eyes wide open,

Availed once more,

Of the piercing screams of my dark companion,

Lifelong,

Depression,

That woeful Black Dog.

Left to understand what you never will,

For love would not do what you have done,

Could not,

Let me feel the way I felt,

Let me believe what I did,

Including as cannon fodder,

Our families both,

A lifetime,

Forever,

A loving girlfriend, wife and mother,

The most wonderful present you offered,

And as a man, I was ready,

To stand up,

Doing whatever necessary,

To support our burgeoning family,

Nothing I would not do,

Nothing,

And I would have been for you.

But no more,

Given the chance,

No more,

Given the chance,

No more shall I beg a fool,

For surely you are,

I was;

All that you wanted and more,

Instead blinded by your own iniquity,

A fanciful insanity,

Delusions,

Not unlike my own,

Though I never had a malicious thought, nor action,

Knowingly,

But for you, I was pawn,

And you were Queen and King,

Making a jester of my thoughts and desires,

Deeper into the burrow of your sham.

All that I am,

Once,

For all of you,

For each other,

For our families,

For our child,

The full spirit of love exposed,

Expressed,

And then repressed,

As now tempered reason,

And lies exposed,

Reveal no burgeoning translation would ever be,

Now,

Wandering lost,

In cultural differences,

Secret life,

Lives,

Yours now reveal,

Very real,

Though now free,

Stinging my broken heart,

Crushing my wounded spirit,

Questions,

Endless,

That will never be answered,

Or will they?

Seemingly the truth has set me free…

Uncertainty brash and deeply hurting,

A fragment of the man I was,

To become the man I will be,

Not for you,

But for a love requited,

True,

Understood beyond the words so meaningless to you,

Hmong Key,

The ‘Key’ indeed, you were,

Words;

Ones never lost,

In translations!

SDM

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

My Iniquity

 

The darkened sky,

A transformative canvas,

Black, as a starless night,

My soul heretofore rising and falling,

On seemingly blatant whims,

Manic yes,

Depressed no,

Setting me on an uncharted course,

Of history, the present and future yet revealed,

Empty, like a new found easel,

Palette stained with the blood on my hands,

And yours,

Decision made,

To have the most perfect child of the light,

Months of manic expression,

Blessed transformation of my soul,

Decision made,

Miserable repression of wretched sorrow,

In a feigned attempt to rid myself of my acceptance,

Of a choice, I dare not make,

Let alone accept,

But what choice could there be,

Cleaning the slate to record the singularity events,

We’re barely yet to understand,

You, moved on, with nary a thought for what we’ve done,

Me,

Trapped inside festering deliberations of the apparent lie I bought,

Selling my soul once more to an imagined devil,

Selling my soul for your comfort,

Placing your needs above my own,

As expected,

Demanded,

By the circumstances of fate,

Hmong Key,

Deleterious choices that were not mine,

But to which I am a party,

And will eternally be strained to accept,

The theorems of our own grandeur decorated,

Foolish grown children,

Playing with fire,

Whereby I alone am burned,

By the footsteps I will never hear,

The cries I can never answer,

The first words I will never hear,

Launching me into a vanguard of disheartened insurrection,

Perplexed, by how quickly in a moment, all can change,

And for what,

To what profit,

In the red,

Celebrated scourging accolades, unearned,

For once more I failed my child,

I failed my love,

Hmong Key, how did I fail you?

I did fail you, didn’t I?

Like an exam I could not understand,

Words like gibberish, heard but never agreed,

For the wide canyon between our desires,

Grand,

So easily unseated by the opinion of others,

Family or no,

The choice made, was yours and yours alone,

Though I can not fault you,

For you did what you had to do,

And I stood by,

Like a trainer ready to throw in the towel,

Constantly reimagining what could have been,

What should have been,

What most I appeal for to the Ether,

What most you chide as a non event in your life,

Evidenced by the ease in which you,

Tossing our child, our love and me sideways,

Castaway by immature reconciliations,

Serving neither you nor I,

Though surely a life sentence I am again to serve,

Parole from these manifestations an unlikely event,

Causation,

Dwelled on like a circadian rhythm without deliberation or meditation,

Though for all the days between that and this,

I have thought of little more,

Than ten fingers and ten toes,

Blue eyes and black hair,

Beyond the superficial, horizons seen,

Realizing that I have flown too close to the sun,

Clipped wings,

Shattered soul,

From the veracity pained before our mutual eyes,

The tree of life, yours, mine,

And our beautiful child,

Stolen from my grasp,

As I clutched to the hope that finally,

Here and now,

It was to be,

Or instead not to be,

As my vicious companion,

My black dog reminds me,

And despite the noblest of intentions,

I failed you,

Our child, unborn,

Aborted,

And myself,

Authentic pleas loudly expressed,

Though the Ether did not hear,

Would not hear,

You refused to hear,

For here we are,

Separated by time and space,

Forever connected by the love we made,

Conceiving an innocent victim,

To our foolishness,

From which our existence is unabated,

Though not that of our child,

As we slaughter you whole, one by one by one,

As I have time and again and again,

Lost that most dear to me,

Ten fingers,

Ten toes,

Woe be not me,

Yet distressingly I bemoan what could not be,

For reasons clear as mud,

Yet crystal in your demise,

My child,

Beautiful child,

Innocent,

Choking as you did on our avarice,

Only to breath into fresh suggestions, disregarding our malice,

As if you could,

As if you should,

Bent on allowing us to thrive and continue to survive,

Though you, innocent, could not live,

Despite the persistence of our choosing,

At your expense,

And that of our continued optimism,

For now restless I consider,

All you could have been,

And all that I stole from you,

Your first breath,

The beating of your beautiful heart,

The resplendence of your love born soul,

Regardless of my veneration of it,

Devotion to not just the idea of you,

But in fact, you,

I am now stuck in place,

Quicksand of emotional sinking,

Peculiar reproductions, of the time before,

And the time before that,

I guess the third time is not a charm,

But instead the noose I wear around my neck,

Waiting for the floor to collapse between my feet,

The only punishment suitable,

The bear trap crushing my soul,

One hurtful thought at a time

Evocative spectacle of menacing exquisiteness,

For truly you would have been exquisite,

In my mind’s eye you always will be,

What of your thoughts Hmong Key?

What do you see when you close your eyes at night?

Is the nightmare the same as for I?

Portentous, sinister and yet curiously inviting,

As three dimensions squeezed into two,

And for a time two became three,

We,

Mother,

Father and unborn child,

Aborted,

As the final countdown reached the hour of my defeat,

You knocked up, pregnancy a suit you wore well,

And me knocked out,

By the simplicity of your words,

Followed by actions,

Transiting mine own compromise once more,

Door closed on the haunted house of my trespasses,

Under pressure,

Pressures,

That I, myself, had ill conceived,

Though you, my child, were not,

Instead realized in a moment of blind passion,

That continues to consume me,

As we did you,

Foolish children we were,

Are,

Loosing our souls,

To gain what?

To what avail?

Loosing each other,

And a piece of ourselves to which we will never arise,

At least not I,

You traverse unanswered, buttress our intimidation of beings,

She and I,

Mother and Father,

Become judge, jury and executioner,

Executioner, once more,

For both she and I,

Loosing more than just you,

But a piece of us,

Conceptions of love revealed,

To be the false hope of prophetic wisdom,

Fanatical depictions of what was, could have been and now is,

Not,

By what right of universal law,

Those commands from the Ether,

What right,

Did we have?

Ultimately giving way to the thoughts of man,

Touchdown in mere minutes upon this empty void,

Whereby you suffered,

I suffer,

Depressed and manic,

Considering the role I played,

The life you gave,

That I allowed to fall victim,

Once more,

An act of love, true and necessary,

For her, not I,

But I was a passenger in this crime,

Necessarily so,

For as man, I have no right,

To deter the decisions of your mother,

Or any woman,

No excuse offered,

Rather the acknowledgement of my delinquency,

My crime, convicted,

For I did stand idly by,

Waiting for you to die,

Of my feebleness to prevent this,

Longing for you to see the light of day,

Rather sent to the pits of hell,

By me,

Those steps I long to hear,

Now are the nightmare that I experience,

Night and day,

Flamboyant bizarre dints,

My psyche dented,

From a child love invented,

And cowardice took away,

Too easily, though not for I,

Or I and I,

Broken fragments of a dream shattered,

Reflecting the reality of the decision made,

And for what?

A proper penchant of collective tête-à-tête,

Though no words could I say,

Other than I supported her in your demise,

That also represents a dying on mine own,

Awkward,

In stains, blood, shades, hues and tones, all red,

Millions of them,

Demolishing what I thought I was,

For what again I’m become,

Failing you,

Failing her,

Failing,

Period,

Deluded by hidden lies,

Behind a radiant smile,

And glowing eyes,

That now seem, at least a bit,

To have lost their glint,

Just as my own,

Brought to the forefront of perception, judicious,

Judge, jury and executioner,

Ignorance of universal law is no excuse,

For what we’ve done,

Restrained sway of the eye enclosed,

Millions of possibilities,

Only one outcome,

As I failed you,

My child,

Beautiful boy or girl,

The language of my greatest burden,

Playing God,

While He/She/It/ They laugh,

At our imprudence,

Suffering now my crime of omission,

In a galaxy confined in the brain, rightly so grey,

For in this decision there was no black nor white,

Only grey,

The central question, importance and measure of our lives,

Our desire born love child,

Delicate haunting arms outstretched,

But to no avail,

You begged to be assumed, moved, valued,

Though no value did you have for she,

Seemingly only me,

As our tree of life is evermore death,

Yours,

Amplified in bewildering events,

One pill at a time,

Followed by the source of life,

Water,

Which again found the path of least resistance,

And I was held captive,

In symbolic penitentiary and isolation,

Our intention understood,

But not accepted,

Rippling loops artifact humiliating me once more,

Gushing tears at the banality of this man,

This consecrated gift, ours,

You,

Raped,

Without recourse or further consideration,

How can one be so cold,

Decision made, no explanation and instead the running of the bulls,

Whereby the Key,

In fact, once more became the lock,

That holds me prisoner,

Shackled by the very thought of you,

And what I have done,

Once more,

Ever more,

It was me,

It was she,

And the empty vagaries of an apology,

Falls upon her deaf ears,

And my wounded heart and soul,

Forced solitude to engage my darkest hour,

As the hour of your birth approaches,

Stolen from you,

Stolen from me,

I am failed,

I am convict,

Guilty,

Of crimes against humanity,

Against you,

My unborn child,

Cast aside,

Aborted,

And thus my torture ensues,

Considering the iniquity of man,

My own,

Iniquity,

 

I am,

 

Sorry!

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Unrealized Apologies

There is nowhere to hide,

From yourself,

Myself,

For one cannot hide from their own truth,

Truths,

The perpetration of penetrating solemn condemnation,

For I have been measured,

As was our child,

Found wanting,

Laying bare,

Exposed,

A soul to shine,

Souls,

Wandering,

Filled with a lust for life,

Not just mine own,

But also of that higher calling,

The calling of all species,

Procreation,

Pro,

Creation,

Commanded by a power I can not see,

But courses through my veins,

A purpose driven emotion,

Long repressed,

Only to once more,

Come off and up,

From a moment of sheer ecstasy,

The giddy smile, of a beauty rare,

Caught in the resplendence of a soul,

Hmong Key,

That also wanders,

Nomadic, lost and free,

Confused and scared,

Just as I was,

Just as I am,

Allowing once more,

Things outside of my control,

To fell me,

Like an ear of corn,

Stalked,

Lopped off like Van Gogh’s,

Where the darkness of the night,

Reveals no stars,

Just hidden scars,

However, there can be no removal of this stain,

Upon my soul,

Upon my soul,

Strained,

Whereby again the forces at work,

Arisen from the past,

Cry out to me,

In tomes and hues,

Of a sorrow that I cannot deny,

A sorrow I will not deny,

Zion clenched from my ready fist,

Aborting,

To fight for what is right,

Yet, here I am, exposed,

Sitting here,

In abject pain,

Once caused by a tango,

Of we, two,

A beautiful night,

Nights,

Of passion raw and rare,

Glimpsing the prospect of a new portend,

The life imagined,

So many times before,

Foolish hubris of youth,

The mental anguish of the manic high,

Brought on by the words I have longed to hear,

“I’m pregnant!”

Longing temporarily answered,

One moment of paradise, found, moments,

Lost,

Words every bit,

If not more powerful,

Than,

“I love you!”

For those words,

Demand a higher calling answer,

The Ether,

My Mistresses Destiny, Serendipity, and Fate,

Dancing me ever closer,

Without consent,

Achelous’ daughters,

Calling me ever nearer to a manifest providence,

That once more sought and seeks,

To destroy me,

Figurative and literal,

While Demeter rebukes them,

And I,

And I and I,

What can I say,

What can I do,

To escape this tortured hell,

Greeted by my Black Dog,

Cerberus no longer chained,

Ready and willing to feast not just on my soul,

But that of you and our child,

Whose only crime,

Was conception,

Ironic,

The complete circles of Dante’s comedy,

Divine,

Yet cast as I am,

Into the fiery pits,

Devastated once more,

Again,

By the circumstances of fortune,

That favoured not this bold,

Warrior Poet,

For in my candor,

In my moment of sheer bliss,

I could not see,

I would not see,

That which was so obviously painted in front of me,

As it had been behind me all these years,

Hell has a permanent place in my soul,

Travelling with me every step of the way,

As the Devil, dances, gleefully,

Like Nero,

Fiddle in hand,

As my insides burn,

Invisible to you,

Realized to me,

A tortured existence,

Brought on by ill tempered passion,

Though surely, I would gladly trade,

Every breath,

Every beat of my heart,

That my child may have lived,

Our child,

For the capacity, with love tendered,

Would have rendered a cherished gift,

Treasure,

To behold,

As surely, I would have,

In addition, indeed venerate at this moment of delicious torment.

Those words,

Sweet when softly spoken,

Inside a darkened room,

Forbearing this brooding sentience,

Sentence,

Life,

Death,

As the decision made,

Not by me,

Had no other choice,

No other choice,

But to stand back and watch,

A further demise,

Like Icarus, I had flown,

Too close to the sun of my own realizations,

Be careful what you wish for,

As the hidden truths of majority rule,

Are nothing but the illusion,

Of allusion,

Creed of dissent,

My voice drowned out,

My will denied,

As a piece of me died,

Dies,

Once more,

Again,

Confronted,

By the defeat of necessity,

Necessity,

Not necessarily so,

But the weakness of temptation,

Insane,

Leads down a path more taken,

Rather than the one which makes all the difference,

Would have,

Could have,

Should have,

Priorities checked and unchecked,

Crushed,

By the iniquity of my own acquiescence,

Though nothing could be done,

Nothing.

Vacuous apologies,

Masking terribly this gloomy sorrow,

Meek,

Sorry is not the hardest thing to say,

It is the hardest thing to realize,

For even in these words,

This expression of endless grief,

I know what I have done,

What we have done,

To what I have been a party,

To what we two caused, both in love and in lust,

Deceived by youthful exuberance,

Guilty,

Blood on my hands,

My own,

Our own,

That of our child,

Desired,

Yet,

Determined resilience to a lifetime concerned,

Whereby everything in that moment changed,

I remember,

Hmong Key,

The exact expression,

That you feared would be our demise,

Instead exposing my lifelong desires,

Deftly engaged,

For months,

Until hell hath no fury,

Like cultural mores,

And the stink of corroding flesh,

The die already cast,

Our own,

I remember,

I remember,

I remember,

Now lost inside the strain and sorrow,

Of knowing,

Tomorrow,

Tomorrow and tomorrow,

Was taken not just from you or I,

But the beautiful bright eyes,

Of the life we destroyed,

Sorry just does not seem to be enough,

Not for me,

Not now,

Not here,

With the advent of a child,

Torn from my longing desires,

Now in passionate retreat,

Sorry will never be enough,

Not for me,

Not,

Ever.

SDM

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Nightmare Rising

 

The nightmares came,

And now they come again,

Again,

Two of them,

In rapid succession,

Sometimes for days,

Sometimes for weeks,

This year for months,

As the brisk November air,

Is greeted by the cool summer breeze,

Beyond belief reminding me of that sullen day in Detroit,

As sub tropical realities break through,

And painful decisions do recoil.

Torture quelling any thought other than you, as I tortured you,

As both cruel and unusual punishment,

For what did you do?

What did you do?

N O T H I N G

Your existence enough to cause your demise,

That knowledge stays with me,

And again reminds me of what  I have done,

We?

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Always has and always will,

Reminded of what power and money can do,

And people that truly don’t see,

Forest for the trees,

The misery of mental projections,

Internalized hellish trial,

Mine own,

Of my crime against humanity,

Against my own child,

C H I L D R E N,

Family?

So, so, so sorry am I,

Silent stalker of repressed emotions,

Those that I must endure,

For to do less would mean my own quietus,

The instant terror does not creep,

But leaps,

Inside my psyche and haunts my sleep,

Shaking my resolve as I awake,

The skeletons in my closet are not only proverbial,

Skeletons,

Abstractly literal,

The symbolism of this agony,

So overpowering I am assaulted,

As a domestic abuse that I conceded,

Robbing you of life, lives,

As I did,

I did,

You live on, frightfully, inside this mind,

Torn already into three parts,

I and I and I,

With a bids eye view of what an abortion looks like,

With a front row seat,

Apparent encores without bravos,

Gashes in this weary soul, reliving the pain of a broken heart,

My greatest aspirations, taken,

AGAIN,

Reliving time and again how it feels,

To watch the light of an unborn child,

Snubbed,

By my hand,

By my hand?

ME?

In surreal images, lurid, prurient,

Of your mother, running toward me,

Tears welling up in her eyes,

As her shrill and piercing screams,

Command that I look at you,

As she carry you,

Both of you covered in blood,

Running down the hall of that clinic,

Its institutional walls and discrete exterior,

So perfectly recorded in every detail,

That I could walk from Toronto with my eyes closed,

Having returned to the scene of the crime since our time,

A trip that I will never forget,

And have taken again,

Closing them now,

No good, for I am here,

The Mekong calling me,

I do look, my humanity demands it,

For even as I may try not to,

I lost more than my innocence that day,

And this one that follows,

And again,

I lost the gift of life, the power of it,

Taken away by over zealous parents,

Your mothers,

Family, friends and others,

Who despite our designs,

Instead decided that they knew better,

As time passes and I reflect,

Making the same mistakes,

On the events leading up to your demise,

I beat myself up,

Raising my head to the heavens;

“RELEASE ME…”

I embrace the raw emotions and feelings,

Knowing that I must experience this pain,

To account for the ill done against you,

And YOU,

That ill,

With a resonance that becomes master of my thoughts,

Divided, confused, scared, shocked, upset,

Berating, deflating, never abating,

For nothing would change,

Could change,

What we were forced to do,

What we chose to do,

What I said was all right,

Knowing that my solace will only arrive,

When I know your mother has again been with child,

And I too get to hold dear a child of my own,

I’m sorry,

An apology that seems vacuous now,

But it is true,

I am,

Sorry.

SORRY!

SDM

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Trimester Realities in Multiple Dimensions

A few short weeks ago,

I was a third trimester fetus,

Reincarnated,

Brought on by a first trimester reality,

Clinging to the umbilical cord of life,

While letting go of the other,

To my great dismay,

And my black dog’s laughter,

A symbiotic relationship that benefited both love, and me

Now,

As the day approaches,

When sober thoughts

And new opportunities present themselves,

It is time for me to learn anew,

Everything that once I had known,

I do not know,

I did not know,

Taking nothing for granted,

I must,

Listen to the world around me,

To the Ether,

To Ernest,

Finding the auditory cues that will again lead me to speech,

I must develop new teeth,

A painful process from which my words will gain bite,

I must learn to crawl,

Wiggling this Peter Pan body all over the place,

A man child,

Until finally,

Finding balance,

I can stand and walk for only a few steps,

Those steps the beginning of a lifetime of journeys,

Love lost,

Love found,

From walking to running,

I sprint toward myself,

Intentionally,

Relentlessly,

Beautifully,

Making mistakes all along the way,

Experience,

Releasing a pain so fresh,

That my body aches just considering it,

As too does my soul,

Now,

I must learn to speak,

First through repetition and rapport,

Until finally,

I am forming my own words,

My own sentences,

My own expression of self,

Nosce Te Ipsum,

Growing up through this world,

I will learn ever new and wonderful things,

Be awed, inspired and inspiring,

And I will become what we all know I am meant to,

What I have always known,

Ernest in my ear,

What I already am,

Though,

Like child rearing,

(and believe me I was sand am o ready)

It will take time,

To heal,

Mistakes will be made,

And I will learn from them,

Experience them,

Own them,

Yet,

Through the wonder of a child’s eyes,

While imagining my Sia,

I am now looking at this world in a fresh and amazing way,

It is as if I am seeing it all again,

I am seeing it all again,

For the first time,

A trick played on my mind,

Through my action and intent

To comfort my mind,

In this period of grief,

Profound and gut wrenching,

Yet,

Though childbirth is painful,

My childbirth is a different kind of pain,

Ripe,

Rather than worrying about ten fingers or toes,

I am concerned with taking this newly born,

Innocent and empathetic mind,

Through the stages of childhood,

To reveal a man reborn,

Not a perfect man,

A better man,

Better than I was yesterday,

I and I aware of the exquisite pain of this rebirth,

I am to become,

The man of my dreams,

And one day,

Someone will see me,

For who and what I truly am…

Loving me without hesitation,

But until then,

Childbirth can be painful!

SDM

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

The Road I’ve Been Down

Muse,

Of fire,

Ascending,

The brightest heaven of invention,

As promised by Shakespeare,

My birthright,

Long ago sworn by the Ether,

For only stolen moments here and there,

Poof,

Gone…

 

Where are you,

Where are you Muse,

Where do you hide,

Reside not only in my mind…

 

Why do you not show your face?

 

You have forsaken me just as love,

You have abandoned me,

Abandoned us,

The intense provocations of our young love,

Tempered by the hard and cold realities,

Our child paying the price,

One all too high,

Crashing me into a widening despair,

The grand canyon reverberating,

With my black dog’s howl,

How can you,

Muse,

Leave me more hopeless and helpless,

Lost in your confusion?

 

Failure, once more,

Knowing the wrong,

Yet feeling the right,

Muse can it be so,

That you suffer from an abject detestation of love’s grandest design,

For me?

Do you know what love is?

 

I was born of love,

Molded and forged by its waters that run deep,

Both its presence and absence,

The craving and the realization,

The departure and desertion,

For…

It is a tragic reality,

That Muse, the world knows that I am love,

Willing and able to commit myself without hesitation,

Even now,

Surrender to that lofty romantic ideal,

Especially now,

But for reasons unclear,

Perhaps cultural, familial or even more sinister,

You could not see, would not see,

Though assured you must be Muse,

One day, you will understand,

Though poof,

I am not there

(although I long to be ever more).

 

Muse,

Of fire,

I beg of you,

Return to these fingers,

This mind aching,

Reeling,

Yearning,

Unleash the Ether’s intent,

Once more use me as spark to reveal not just me,

But the world I see,

Through a child’s eyes,

As I see it,

For the rest,

You know of whom I speak,

For me,

But for you,

There is nothing I could not do,

I could not be,

For you Muse,

I would give my all,

The chances we didn’t take are always those we regret… forever!

 

Chances,

Second or otherwise,

This altruism,

Always finds us in the end,

When the hours are long,

But life is short.

And I wonder,

Will you ever feel the pain of these ripe cancellations,

First of our child,

Fatherhood a profound guardian,

Giving meaning to this existence,

Then of our star cross’d love?

A pox on the mental houses,

Of I and I and I.

 

Muse,

Of fire,

When will you again grace me with elegant prose,

When will you reveal yourself to me once more,

That I may be conduit for your greatness?

 

Allow me to shine for you,

With you,

By you

For all the world to see,

But only you to behold,

As I adore you,

Exalt you,

More intensely with each uncontrolled neuron,

Though my mind is awash in flags of red,

My heart is electrified with a rainbow of sensations,

Finding not the emptiness in a pot of gold,

Rather realizing fortune favours the valiant,

Who realize the best things in life are not things

And must always be treasured,

Cherished to the end,

Regardless of circumstance.

 

Muse,

Of fire,

I wish of you,

For you,

To return once more,

Return,

Until my fingers bleed,

Until my soul is crushed,

Only to be precious again,

Can I Muse,

Be precious,

Again?

 

Muse,

Of fire,

Come to me,

Please of you I beg,

Pleading with my Mistresses,

Fate, Serendipity and Destiny,

Overwhelming my insecurities,

Breaking down the walls,

Like Joshua at Jericho,

And no less weighty,

Shattered objections,

Finding peace,

In you,

With you,

For you,

Come to me,

As I know you want to,

Frightened as you are,

So too am I,

Although,

Together we can and should journey toward the light,

Chosen,

Muse,

Of fire…

D

N

E

C

S

A

 

And liberate my heart, body, mind and soul

 

 

D

N

E

C

S

A

 

To set us free…

 

D

N

E

C

S

A

 

Freeing yourself from the chains that bind you,

For despite my passion,

My deepening desire,

My soul,

On fire,

I can not liberate your mind,

Only you,

Only you can Muse,

Thus I beg of you…

D

N

E

C

S

A

SDM

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized