Tag Archives: Vide Cor Meum

Her Laughter; My Master

I exist inside a plain of doppelganger, doppelgangers,

That those in my inner circle can see,

But she, she moves me,
With a kindness only a mother can understand,

She touches my darkness with light,

Illuminating the invisible,

Decimating the appetite for destruction,

With a deft touch,

As gentle as a morning wind sweeping the sea,

Yet as vicious as a strengthening storm,

A dichotomy that seems oxy moron,

Yet is the stable prerequisite of love’s necessary refrain,

I am here,

I am here,

For you,

With you,

Of you,

Her laughter,

With pursed lips and widening eyes,

Like a siren and a muse,

Reaches deep within the void of my gloom,

Tickling with subtle insinuation, beyond words,

Beyond intent,

The clenched paw of Cerberus,

My nonpareil Black Dog and constant companion,

Around the chains of my chemical tempest,

Breaking them, confounding him, indeed them,

Her laughter,

With piercing resolve to lighten my load,

In the absence of mitigating words,

Her face twists and turns stunningly,

And a primal surge wells within,

Released to an awaiting beast, beasts,

My vicious inward aspersions cast,

While my imaginary friends call for impossible results,

A permanent darkness,

Replaced by,

Her laughter,

Like the sweet scent of lavender in Provence,

Or dew kissed roses in spring,

Demanding rapt imagination,

Eyes closed,

She transports me from the personal hell,

To a pivotal heaven,

Each ethereal laugh like the pluck of a minstrel’s string,

Or Nina’s voice,

Tugging through the fog of my decay,

Planting seeds that sow a temporary reprieve,

A kindness known so rarely in occasion,

Expressing the ultimate shift of a soul in flux,

A soft hammer when Father Time demands,

Stillness when Mistress Fate decides,

A grandiose calmness that unwinds the havoc,

And wreaks hope on this heavy heart, downtrodden,

Uplifted by the sweet caress of language beyond words,

Meaning beyond understanding,

Wisdom beyond years,

For in the kindness of this mother’s laugh,

Rests something more powerful than all the armies,

Standing and past,

Lives something more encompassing,

Than misfiring neurons and atomic practical jokes,

Her laugher unleashes a storm of optimism,


Within reach,

That if I can abide this one moment more,

Just one more moment,

Internal clouds will fade,

Sirens will subside,

Resplendent Muse emerging,

And in that moment, grace descended,

I am free from I and I,

From torment,

From words,

From language,

Yet filled with unseen troughs of majestic communiqué,


She knows,

Her laughter,

The penultimate gift to me,

The reminder of a life worth living,

Faith restored,

Where once again words have meaning,

But not one,

More than the prehistoric surge,

Of her liberating laughter.



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Vide Cor Meum

Vide Cor Meum,
“and thinking of her, sweet sleep overcame me,”
uno soave sonno
As it should,
For she is a distant memory,
A dream once lived,
A life once promised,
A love once requited,
But no more,
Not for this fool,
Now a nightmare delivered,
As thinking of her,
Made sleep elusive,
My heart trembling,
My soul crying,
My mind fearing,
That these words,
Are all I know,
And nothing more shall I be granted,
Lowly fool,
Insolent and arrogant ass,
“joy is converted, to bitterest tears,”
Vide cor meum,
I am not at peace,
I am not at peace,
As dangled right before my eyes,
Right before my life,
Was the opportunity for more,
And I had blown it,
My tender heart,
Feeling as though it had stopped,
Been stomped upon,
Feeling as if this was the new normal,
And that sweet sleep,
Now gives way,
To tortured insomnia,
I am not at peace,
As I seek the precious,
I am not at peace,
As I long for more,
“I am your master, See your heart”
my heart is burning like the sun,
humbled by love’s retreat,
“weeping, I saw her then depart from me,”
As Dante suggested;

“So that I desire to be like one
who to conceal his poverty through shame,
shows joy outwardly,
and within my heart am troubled and weep”
When will these tears stop,
When shall this river of despair dry up,
Is it in the knowing that someday,
this bitter heart,
will again enjoy,
the piece of the heart,
that is reserved for the greatest of loves,
the grandest,
and these bitter tears,
will give way,
to whatever this heart will allow,
though questioning still,
Will love return?

“ego dominus tuus”
I long for you to be my master,
Seen in my heart,
Since my birth,
Oh love,
Where are you now?
Where will you be when I am ready?

La Vita Nuova

Vide cor meum.


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